another day.

really struggling with a lot of things of late, the chief amongst them, well, just being the me that everyone thinks i am. or maybe just being the me that i think that everyone thinks that i am.

for a long time now, i have been trying to fix things, not just for me, but for the people who are hoping that i am able to fix things for them too…

is that fair? no, not really, but that is what it is i suppose.

i need to move. the thought of moving has been with me for a while now, but just now, while doing some cleaning up, it came to me that my desire to move from this place, isn’t stemming from the desire to have a larger place, which by the by i need for myriad reasons, but that the flat that i live in now, is associated with death.

heavy i know, but it is. the death of my mom, and the last one, the death of my father. i didn’t move here because i needed to. i was perfectly, well, not perfectly, but sort of content with where i was albeit that it was time to go from there, and it wasn’t because i needed a larger place for my son to come to (you know how that has turned out, so won’t belabour it), but it came from me wanting a change, and with the passing of my father, i thought it time.

so, now it becomes more pressing, more imperative for me to move from here, and start afresh. whether or not that is with someone, or, more than likely just me alone, i just need to find a way, and those ways are coming, for me to vacate these premises, and at the ripe old age of 63, start a new notebook, and fill the blank pages with new journeys, new thoughts, new passions and new beginnings.

it is easy, well, i think it is, for me to say that i am broken. that’s not a cop out, it’s the truth. i am. broken.

one person, one, has been there through this last year or so of me wandering through the wilderness. she has, i believe, begun to regain her old life, her passions of old, while i am sinking more and more into the abyss of past demons. but she has been there. supportive, nudging, helpful. and while there may or may not ever be a future for us, well, me and Amos, you know? we will never forget.

at any rate, i continue to endeavour to keep my chin up, and my faith at it’s topmost.

thanks for listening, and as always, i wish for you that you and yours are not in any areas of conflict and are safe and happy.

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace