the other day, well, comment was made, that my life was sad.

huh.

i suppose though, that in some way, the comment had merit. and while i don’t exactly see my existence on this really fucked up planet as the definition of sad, there are times when i sit and wonder why it is that i am still here.

i don’t have friends really. not in the physical sense. oh sure, i can wander up and down the boutiques row, and pop in to say hello to those that know me, but the ‘friends’ that i have, really are in the ether. WhatsApp, emails, texts, etc… and those, while nice to have some sort of human, and i use that term in the loosest of senses, contact, my ‘circle’ really isn’t much more than a dot, and a dot would be stretching it.

sitting here at my desk (where else?), the evening really having only begun, bereft of anyone significant in my life, slow blues on the victrola, and the ubiquitous coffee at hand, i ponder the aforementioned comment about equating my life with being a sad one.

i am sure that the comment was meant as, and it was further said that not really sad, but one of having to carry a weight, but always looking for something to be better the next day. that i will agree to. tomorrow, and really, tomorrow isn’t anything but the day afters yesterday, has to be better. why get up in the morning if you can’t see something coming down the road that will make your life better. or someone you care about having a better existence.

i would be doing both myself and the truth an injustice if i claimed that once things have changed for me, altered the financial situation of my current state of affairs, i would be more social, more outgoing, more involved in the world around me. why? because that’s not who i am.

sure, if i was with someone, and that is a thought that enters my rather befuddled mind on a daily basis, we would go to dinners, shopping, perhaps a black tie or two, but hey, there are only so many things you can buy at Cartier and Tiffany, and there are only so many restaurants you can go to before you just want to stay home and eat something simple, or order in a crappy pizza. but then, well, what happens then?

yes, i know. a relationship. i get it. been there, done that, a few times, and look what it got me.

ok, it’s the weekend, and you know weekends and i do not get along. can’t recall a time when i actually did like the weekend. not for donkey’s at any rate.

anyhow, no, not anyhow, hmm..

life will change, this i am certain of. and when it does, and all those people out there have been paid off, although, to be honest, i could just fuck off and disappear without having to give away a dime, but when i have done what i said i would do, i will change my #, write a farewell message, and, like Captain Renault and Rick Blaine, will walk off into the fog of the night, and begin anew in some far off land.

sounds great, does it not? like as not though, while the # will be changed, and yes, people who just are waiting to be paid for, in some cases, doing nothing but wanting me to change their lives, i will keep a select few on the contacts list. i’m not all that bad it turns out. 🙂

tired though, of hearing, well, i really hope this deal goes through for you because i really need you to give me 30k, or 50k to help me change my life. or, well, you will have all this money, can’t you just give me some?

here’s a tip.. call up Elon or Bozos, and ask them. dollar will get you five that they tell you to fuck off. so, why is it, or would it be so bad for me to do the same thing?

and yes, i know, well, you promised me. fuck promises. meant, like rules, to be broken.

my mom is sitting up there in heaven right now, probably dealing with my dad, or his mother, but with half an ear is clucking her tongue and saying ‘that’s not how we raised you’. no, mom, it isn’t. and that is why, against everything that is ingrained deep within me, parts of which, you, nor a lot of people never got to see, i will keep my word, give away 100’s of thousands to people who by and large don’t deserve it, and then walk away.

anyhow, enough of that for the evening.

i hope you and yours are all safe, healthy and happy, and not in any place of conflict,

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.

another day.

really struggling with a lot of things of late, the chief amongst them, well, just being the me that everyone thinks i am. or maybe just being the me that i think that everyone thinks that i am.

for a long time now, i have been trying to fix things, not just for me, but for the people who are hoping that i am able to fix things for them too…

is that fair? no, not really, but that is what it is i suppose.

i need to move. the thought of moving has been with me for a while now, but just now, while doing some cleaning up, it came to me that my desire to move from this place, isn’t stemming from the desire to have a larger place, which by the by i need for myriad reasons, but that the flat that i live in now, is associated with death.

heavy i know, but it is. the death of my mom, and the last one, the death of my father. i didn’t move here because i needed to. i was perfectly, well, not perfectly, but sort of content with where i was albeit that it was time to go from there, and it wasn’t because i needed a larger place for my son to come to (you know how that has turned out, so won’t belabour it), but it came from me wanting a change, and with the passing of my father, i thought it time.

so, now it becomes more pressing, more imperative for me to move from here, and start afresh. whether or not that is with someone, or, more than likely just me alone, i just need to find a way, and those ways are coming, for me to vacate these premises, and at the ripe old age of 63, start a new notebook, and fill the blank pages with new journeys, new thoughts, new passions and new beginnings.

it is easy, well, i think it is, for me to say that i am broken. that’s not a cop out, it’s the truth. i am. broken.

one person, one, has been there through this last year or so of me wandering through the wilderness. she has, i believe, begun to regain her old life, her passions of old, while i am sinking more and more into the abyss of past demons. but she has been there. supportive, nudging, helpful. and while there may or may not ever be a future for us, well, me and Amos, you know? we will never forget.

at any rate, i continue to endeavour to keep my chin up, and my faith at it’s topmost.

thanks for listening, and as always, i wish for you that you and yours are not in any areas of conflict and are safe and happy.

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace