going on in my world, other than the usual, but one thing that keeps bugging my brain is the fact that people think that texting is ‘talking’.

IT ISN’T!!

and, i actually wrote this yesterday sitting on the plane, but circumstances of late prompted me to publish it now.

i use whatsapp. a lot. i hate texting. yes, i know, it’s the same. well, it isn’t really. i can use it on my desktop when i am at my, well, desk, and when i am on the road, i have my laptop which allows me to do the same. now, with my laptop, i can also, due to the fact that i am in the Apple-sphere, send SMS’s as well, but at home, when i am there, which lately isn’t often, or at all, my phone isn’t always next to me, so picking it up, and ‘talking’ is something that i am loathe to do.

plus, i don’t sit around all day waiting for messages to come through, unless i am expecting something from a client, or what have you.

i fucking hate phones. and hate texting even more. it’s a pain in the ass. it doesn’t have context, and it is downright shitty to use.

and yet, this world, the world that i am a part of, mostly unwillingly, lives via text. fuck me. write a letter. send a postcard. or hey, here’s something, CALL the person and TALK to them!!

we have sunk so low with our communication skills haven’t we?

i will admit, i live on whatsapp. that is how i work, and how i conduct my daily business. i can send files, i can call, i can video call, etc… but do i sit idly and just ‘talk’ to people? no.

sometimes i wish that i didn’t have a phone. or a smart one at any rate. and yet, i have to. admittedly i use several things on it, and a few of my apps are handy, but for the most part, i book my flights online, NOT on my phone. same goes for my hotels, and if i want to do banking, generally i do it on my PC or laptop when on the road. my phone is there as an appendage, sort of like the appendix. it’s there, but you don’t really know why.

/end rant

anyhow, that’s my thing for today. well, there was something else, a column by someone who writes for the National Post, Terry Newman, but i cannot get into that now as it would take me a day to complete it, and i know by the end of it, either i would want to punch this asshole in the mouth, or kick him in the balls. so, i will leave it alone for the nonce.

until i’m back, and can see you again,

i bid you, as always,

peace

a fan of weekends. other than some golf courses actually giving lower green fee rates on those days, as the corporate golf monkey’s are charged more during the week, and F1 races on Sunday, i cannot find any real redeeming value of these two days.

back when i was doing more business with the Middle East, and hey, those days may come again, it was ok to have a weekend as their week really started on Saturday or Sunday depending, so, a 7 day work week was always in the offing.

today is one of those days. i am bored out of my mind. i am not at home, and even if i was, more likely than not i would be still bored, still fidgety, and still looking for something to do, and finding nothing.

a lot of people i know, most people probably, live for these two days. fuck me if i can find a reason why. the stores are crowded. the malls, restaurants, sidewalks, highways, well, the highways where i live are always packed, but that just speaks to how fucked up my home province/city is, and how utterly incompetent they are at road/traffic management.

at any rate, weekends, in a word; suck.

ok sure, you work 5 days a week, well, you put time in for those days, and you feel that you need a day off to, and i fucking hate this word, relax. you want to spend time with your family (if you have) and friends (again, if you have. i don’t, they cost too much) and do things that you cannot do during the week.

but, if you actually looked at every day, and managed your time, i bet you could find a way to have balance, and not really be focused on that whistle being blown at quitting time on Friday.

balance. funny that i am mentioning that seeing as how i have none. and to be honest, i cannot remember at time when i was actually able to balance my work and personal life. (A) because i had no personal life and (B) because, well, see (A).

would that i could, i would find that spot where i could stop, see where i needed to make changes, and effect them in my life. i could in all probability do that now, however, needs must, and i work when i work, don’t sleep when i know that i should be, and find myself having just got off a plane, getting back on one tomorrow for a 9+ hour flight, only to reverse that process a mere 4 days later. be nice if i had my own jet though. sigh. one day i’m sure. but if that does not happen, it doesn’t happen, and i do what i do, and continue to do so.

tell you one thing for free though, i will be glad to get home. funny though, when i was travelling more frequently, up and down to the States, and doing what i did then, i always would stand in my bathroom on the Friday, and tell myself, ‘one more sleep, you can do this’, and yet, once i did get back to my ‘life’ such as it was, i couldn’t wait to get back on the plane.

a friend once remarked to me, when i was sitting at the gate in Tampa, waiting to fly home, that i was back to where i belonged. on the move. working from trains, planes, airports, hotels, etc… she said that this is where i needed to be, and where i should be. i think that my current state of affairs, lends some credence to that statement, with the caveat, or proviso if you will, that sure, being on the go is nice, but sometimes it is just really cool to be able to sleep in your own bed for more than a week at a time. LOL.

at any rate, my Sunday is winding down, it being 6PM here, or 1800 in a time format that i like to use, and i think that i will wander about the grounds and get some fresh air.

until you grace me with your presence again,

as always, i bid you,

peace.

written, really anything, about what is going on around me in the world. refrained from it actually, for the last number of years. not because i do not see the headlines, or read the articles, or hear about this bit of craziness, or that atrocity from others. no, it is more to the point that i cannot allow those bits of, no, not bits, myriad amounts of let’s say, unsettling goings on, to infiltrate my being.

yes, i see most things, and i remember more, usually at 3am when i am wide awake, but writing about them, to me, just reinforces their presence in my life.

take that idiot down south, and his ‘we drank the kool-aid’ minions. i could sit here and write for days about that fucking child.

having lived in the middle east for almost 1/3 of my life, i saw way too much violence in the name of God, Allah, Yahweh, whichever name you want to use, but to me, 9/11 aside, the atrocities being committed now, in Ukraine, in Yemen (still), in places under the radar and yes, in Gaza, make what i saw pale in comparison.

Everyone has a viewpoint, be it left right or centrist. I think though, what people have forgotten, is that we are all members of this idiotic race called human. Well, most of us are. I think that idiot down south is a fucking alien, but that aside, being human i think that we should all sort of just stop, take a moment, and see that we need to pull together and get this shit right. No?

my flat, where i live, looks out to the north and the west. to the west, a building where i used to work at times, and the north, a hotel/residence, and a building occupied by one of Canada’s newspapers. This newspaper allows a person, many people, to submit editorials, and one such person, who used to be a Lord, then became a convicted felon, does so, from time to time. Now, this person, is erudite, well written if you like big words that you need to have the Oxford or Cambridge next to you, but he is living in the old world of white privilege. He is wealthy. He is older. He is white. and he sees the world through those eyes. He applauded that moron to the south bringing into America, ‘white’ refugees from South Africa. Really. Huh.

That to me just sums it up. White.

Notice if you will, most of the anti this and anti that rhetoric that is being spewed forth every day, at least in North America, is from the right, and from whites. Apart from that fucking moron Faulkner that is, and she has herself a whole other set of issues.

We are living in a world, that is being defined by an 80 year old 5 year old, who is so desperate to have people tell him that the sun shines out of his ass, that has forgotten how to be human.

/end rant

So, take a moment today to be nice to someone, even someone you don’t know. Say please and thank you, as manners are free. Take the time to smile, laugh, help someone that needs it. You just might start a trend.

As always, i hope that you and yours are safe and sound, and that conflict isn’t touching your lives,

And, as always,

I bid you,

Peace

800 books i think, on my shelves at home. most of which are books books, but some, 140 i think, are cookbooks. and of those, i really don’t use any, maybe 3 or 4. don’t ask me, i don’t know… LOL.

at any rate, i have decided, once i get back home, to start reading my collection, one shelf at a time, starting, i think, with ‘the idiot’ by Dostoevsky. seems fitting considering that for the most part, and the better part of the last year or so, that’s what i have been. longer if you include the time before i started taking care of my parents.

going through life without too much thought on the future, yet having the future always present in my thoughts. yeah, i know, that makes no sense to you, but to me, it does.

i’ve begun watching Chefs Table again. No, not the Legends version because, while i do think that he is a talented chef, Jamie Oliver to me, isn’t a legend. Alice Waters, yes, of course, she of Chez Panisse fame. Thomas Keller, French Laundry and Per Se, although i read that Per Se in NYC wasn’t as good as everyone thinks it is.

Anyhow, i’ve been watching the France version, with Alain Passard, Michel Troisgros, Alexandre Coullion, and Adeline Grattard. the original chefs table, had 6 seasons, and for the most part, i might watch one or two episodes as the chefs in the rest don’t give me much enthusiasm, but Massimo, Magnus, Musa, and a few others, really speak to me. plus the BBQ series, as Rodney Scott is pretty cool.

at any rate, my passion for food, although i really don’t cook anymore, is still quite present in my life, and i hope, one day, to get back to the place where i can cook, plate, and watch others enjoy what i make. that’s what is actually partially driving me on this dietary journey. the ability, one day, to be able to just cook, enjoy, and give others some of my passion.

officially today, i’ve lost 10.1kg, so hooray for me i say, kudos and accolades abound.

not a lot else going on, but there are plans for the future. i know some of what that includes, but, like everyone else, the future and what it holds is, for the most part, up for grabs. i know what i want to have happen, in a month, two months, a year, two years, however, the fates may have something other than what i desire in mind.

until then though, i will do what i do, and continue thinking, dreaming, planning, and journeying down my path.

as always, i wish you and yours to be safe from harm, and healthy,

and as always,

i bid you,

peace

my life changing, the other day, in a matter of weeks, then months, then just about 2 years. well, the last year would be more of a ‘yeah, i don’t really care about this anymore’ year, but whatever the case, my life, such as it is, is going to be altered, again.

to be honest, my life, most likely should have ended, several times in the past, not least of which was having a heart attack, or several (didn’t know), lo these five years ago. also, at various points of my colourful at times, and varied existence on this planet we call Earth, i, in all probability, should have perished. leaving behind, depending on the timing of the event, a legacy that went from a nothingburger, to a new father, to a parttime caregiver to well, just me.

huh. spell check likes nothingburger, but doesn’t like colourful. fucking americans.

anyhow, here i am, on the cusp of yet another set of alterations to my path, well, yes, ok, my path, and i am not entirely sure what i feel about it.

on one hand, i’m excited for what these are about to bring about. an ease of my daily life, a security of sorts, with what i need to do, and how i will do it, and yet, on the other hand, i have five fingers. LOL. well, four and a thumb, but you take my point.

no, all jesting aside, on the other hand, i have sort of an unknown looming before me. unknown in the sense that, while these changes are going to bring, among other things, a serious financial security to my life, and perhaps, some of those around me, the path(s) i want to tread down, for the most part, aren’t clear.

i do know who and what i will take care of, when the time is right, not the least of which is my son (not his mother, not on your aunt annies fanny), my oldest friend, probably my first wife, some charitable organizations, and a few other things. but, that’s small compared to what i think i will want to do.

lost almost 10kg by the by, so if nothing else, i do have that going for me at the moment.

at any rate, this post isn’t about ‘hey, i’m going to be something or other’ more that i wanted a follow up to what i wrote the other day.

will i still get ‘asks’? yeah, i am sure those will never stop. will i give in to my ‘niceness’? no. i don’t think i will. like i penned the other day, those days are over. take that how you want it, and you can call me any number of names, phrases, etc. as you want, but i have given, and given in for far too long, at too great a cost to my own well being, and that had to stop. and stop it has.

yes, ok, there are a few of you, that i will still see my way clear to help on occasion, but for the most part, the banks doors are closed, and the gone out of business sign has been hung in the window.

other than all of the above, i am actually excited to see what the next two years will bring. i have a list of things that i want to accomplish, and i know, based on some high level conversations that i have had, myriad other projects will show up. my feeling anyhow.

personally i want to keep on my dietary journey, and get to a point where i know that i will be comfortable with being there, and get into a bit better shape. do some travelling, but travel for me, not for work, or for others. i want a home. not a flat, a house. well, it might be a flat, but a much larger one, and one that i own.

a circle of friends perhaps, but not really a necessity, as i know enough people, and if i don’t have a raucous social life, then i don’t. being alone, whilst not ideal, isn’t something that is onerous to me. it either is, or it isn’t. either way, i can find enough to do. almost 800 books will keep me busy i’m sure. LOL.

all i do know is that i’m going to start, or at least try to start, being more selfish. more ‘me centric’ if that is a phrase. for too long i’ve let things go that weren’t on my agenda, and acquiesced to the timings, and plans of others, and now, in the early winter of my life, and about damn time, i’m going to revert to my halcyon days of youth where i did what i did, and damn the torpedoes.

how are you guys by the way? everyone safe? healthy? life treating you as it should? i hope so, from the bottom of my size 10’s (44 in EU). the world, it seems, has given in to the madness that is the leader of the morons to the south of me, and who knows not what the next year will bring, but the next 10 minutes. this guy is off his nut.

but, not here to write about the mind of a madman, who is really just a 5 year old on the playground taking his ball and going home.

a good day today. an off day from my schedule, and one that i am enjoying immensely. back at it tomorrow though, and with that, another week of doing what i do beckons.

so, with that thought, and the thought of what i need to do in the next little while, i will, as always, hope that you and yours are not in any areas of conflict,

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.

interesting day.

within the space of a few hours, i got not one, but three messages based on me sending money to people. now, that in and of itself isn’t that remarkable, but the timing was funny. oh, and a cryptic ‘hey’ email too, which i would suspect was a prelude to, if i answered it, asking for money as well. (addendum, it was…LOL) and no, i didn’t answer it

at any rate, one message was telling me of a ‘plan’ to find some money, meaning, i need money, please swoop in and save me. the other was, i need groceries and money to pay my power bill, and the third was a long written message telling me that the job was lost due to the company shutting down with no notice, and ‘how will i feed my kid?? i’ve not stopped crying’.

now, sure, the last one tugs on your heartstrings, it does, but again, people seem to think that i am this unlimited source of money that is to be sent anytime someone says ‘i’m stressed, you have to, YOU have to save me’.

huh.

no.

even when things change, in about 4 weeks, and then 25 weeks after that, and then 24-32 weeks after that, am i going down the road of saviour again. not that i am heartless, well, yes, i am, but that’s another kettle of popcorn, but the days of me coming to the rescue, of people i don’t really even know, are over. done. dusted. and put out with the recycling.

when i moved, just over a year ago, i left a small town, where i had people who knew me, neighbours who were pretty cool for the most part, and a routine, albeit somewhat boring. well, until i started my journey into being more present in my parents’ lives that is.

i came to the ‘big city’. people still know me. my routines have changed, and became events and dates driven. and while i do enjoy things like that, it became too much. too many people were grasping on to my largesse, and it made me lose sight of me. mea maxima culpa though, as i let this happen, going with the flow as it were, but no matter the genesis of the problem, a problem it became.

so, i left my world behind, changed my #, and walked away to go to the other side of the world, and just immerse myself into work. i started a diet, started paying attention to what i was eating, and i started to walk more. so far it is paying off. i’ve lost almost 10kg, 22 or so pounds for you imperial measure folks with more to go. i feel better, but not 100%, so on i go with my journey.

do i miss that world, that high fashion, drink champagne while you shop for two thousand dollar cashmere sweaters? well, yes. and no. i miss the champagne. LOL. i mean, who wouldn’t? and i do miss seeing my sales associates whom i very much like. but do i miss the environment as a whole? no. i’ve got a bunch of drawers full of clothes that i forgot i had. a closet full of thousand dollar shirts that i haven’t worn, and pairs of shoes that are still untouched by both my feet and the ground.

it’s been mentioned, by more than one person, that they love seeing me in my ‘element’. i’ve been told that i’m personable (debatable), that i bring energy into my time spent with them, and that generally i’m just a nice guy. thank you, but i’m just who i am. not a lot of thought goes into it.

i was even told, by my favourite server, at probably my favourite restaurant, that when the staff knows that i am coming in, the vibe changes. huh. whatever that means, but i’m thinking that it’s a good thing. again, i just do what i do. that’s all.

but back to the original topic of this post today. not a new thought, nor one that i perceive will ever go away, but those three messages, two hinting at, one blatant, speak to again, people think that i am a bank, and that in times of trouble, i am going to swoop in and save the day.

as far as i know, i don’t have a large S on my chest, nor do i have a red cape or theme music. ok, i’m Tony Stark just without the cool red and gold suit, but that is another story, for another time.

no swooping will be done. not today, not tomorrow (which by the way, is always today) and not in the future. my days as a personal saviour are over. until the day that i’m comfortable enough with being back in the world that i left at any rate.

so, as always, i hope that you and yours aren’t in any place of conflict, and

as always,

i bid you,

peace

a journey of late. can’t really classify it as a spiritual one, not in the truest sense of the word, or phrase if you will, but one that will, i hope, extricate me from past behaviours, or rather, actions that were harmful to my sense of worth, and well-being.

no, i’m not having a breakdown, i’m just trying to recover something that i think i lost, or perhaps, thought i should have, and need to have, as part of my life.

i was in a cycle of self-destruction, and let myself go down that path, too readily at times, with the word ‘no’ being by and large, absent from my vocabulary.

at any rate, i think that i am on the road, again, to a better place. i’ve lost some weight, almost 20lbs so far, with more to come, or go, if you will, and my separation from the, let’s call them ‘distractions’ of my past, almost complete.

i will admit that there are, at times, moments not of regret, but of a mild wistfulness, of things lost, or put aside, but those are brief, and are gradually becoming less and less present in my life.

back now, and as i write this, i’m about 2 hours into my 11+ hour sojourn back to South Africa. plane is still murmuring with activity as the cabin crew go about their tasks. dinner is upcoming, and after that, well, my usual, meaning listening to music or an audiobook. i eschew watching anything on flights as i find it mindless. yes, ok, does help pass the time, especially on long flights, but for the life of me, i cannot get into watching a movie on a small screen. and watching it on a phone? madness. don’t know how people do it.

at any rate, should be a quiet flight up here in the front of the plane, and upstairs too, which i always like having that option. 747’s are an old plane, but such a grand way to fly.

a lot to do when i arrive tomorrow morning, not the least of which is to walk into a series of ‘help us out of this mess we are in’ meetings. ah, the life i lead. Bob the Sweeper to the rescue. LOL.

i love how people, and you can put whomever you want into that slot, but for the purposes of this little mini-commentary, you can put my ex-. anyhow, i love how ‘people’ get so indignant and pushy when they think that they are in the right, or have the upper hand, and feel that i am somewhat beneath them, but when the tide turns, and it is i who is clearly on the side of good, it is crickets. funny.

dinner is being served now, so i will leave you for the nonce.

as always, i do hope that you and yours are safe, and not in any place of conflict. for those of you who are mother’s or have mothers still in your life, i wish you and yours a happy mothers day.

and as always,

i bid you,

peace.

this bit of writing today, as i was sitting, alone (again) in my hotel room, mind wandering a bit due to the lack of sleep (a), and the adjustment to a new time zone (b), and whilst perusing my files that are cloud based, this was one of the documents i found.

it was written a few years ago, almost 4 to be precise, and while not all of it can be said to pertain to my current state of tenuous existence, i think the majority of it still holds some truth.

anyhow, here it is, unabridged, and unedited for you to read, glance over, or dismiss entirely.

as always, i bid you, until i see you again,

peace.

I am a complicated man, yet I am absurdly simple. I am calm yet filled with inexplicable rage.

There are demons inside me, buried but raising their snouts to the surface now and again, yet, my soul is empty with no overriding passion except for music, food and learning as much as I can about whatever it is I am thinking about.

My life, such as it has been, was, is, one of tremendous highs and Dante levels of hell lows. And right now, I am evolving into something, or someone, that I can’t see yet, but I know that he is there.

I am writing all of this not to elicit or evoke empathetic or sympathetic feelings, nor am I seeking counsel, only as an explanation as to why I need to be gone, at least for a good while, until this evolution takes better hold and I can be clear in my mind, what it is that I am supposed to be.

I care about who I care about, and generally do not put myself to the forefront of anything. It is how I am wired, me and Amos, and 58 years of this has made changing an onerous prospect.

Special, I am not. An apologist for my abilities neither am I. I do what I do, and that is all I know to do.

I need to not be here. This is my time to go away from everything that I knew, and re-craft my existence and forge a new path to follow. I know that this sounds melodramatic, but it is quite the truth. My coming back to Canada changed me, and not, I would argue, for the best. So, an alteration of existence needs to be effected.

Read once that a character was like a wild person who stumbled into civilization and cannot find their way back to the wilderness. That, to a point, sums me up. I found myself in some sort of complacent existence, that wasn’t me, and I am struggling to find my way back to the road that I was on. Perhaps to meet myself along the way, to make amends, and then continue the journey.

Thank you, for being you. A good egg as it were. An amazing friend. A shoulder when I needed it, and a sharer of passions.

Keep the faith. Stay strong as I know you will. You are truly, good people.

kevin