of late.

lost in a fog of dissolution, of apathy, and to be honest, i just don’t feel that i am getting anywhere with anything i do.

my days are empty, filled with a sense of ineffectualness, and they drag on and on with the only events that break them up are when i eat, or talk on the phone with people who are looking to me to solve their problems and provide the ability for them to make millions.

excuses, i’ve heard legion. and to be honest, brutally honest, i’m sick and fucking tired of them.

yeah, i know, there are those of you who will say, ‘well you make them too’. true, i do. self generated? no. sorry you fucking assholes, they aren’t. they are based on the utter bullshit that i am given every day by above said morons who seem to think that i am the village idiot and will believe any tripe that they want to pass of as fact.

here’s a hint morons. things are changing. contrary to the above paragraphs, which, by the by, are entirely true in their honesty, truth, fact and whatever adjective you want to use to portray how i am actually feeling and seeing the world at large these days. but yes, things are changing. and when that time comes, (not fast enough, but patience i’ve heard it said, is a virtue) my world, not theirs, by MY world, is going to change. and i will become 100% insufferable in my ego (i don’t have one really, but willing to try), my outlandish behaviour when it comes to how i live my life, and how i deal with people. i will become arrogant, and a total hey look at me!….

no, just shitting you. not in me to do the above. honest. and for those of you who think that they know me, will know that when things do change i will still be me. perhaps a little less reticent to hide away from the days. perhaps a little more gregarious. perhaps a little more outgoing and social, but to be honest, other than me getting out of the house more, i will still be me. too old, way too old, to change now.

i’ve started to read A Gentleman in Moscow – Amor Towles, again. he is a fabulous author, and along with Rules of Civility, i find in him, words that stay with you, and a sense of self that one can adopt into their daily existence. worthwhile reading if you are so inclined to pick it up on Amazon, or hey, patronize your local library. never know what you might find in there.

Nina Simone Sings the Blues on the old gramophone right now for reference. Amazing voice she had. Phrasing like Tony Bennett, strength like Lady Day, and just a sound that permeates your very being.

the weather has been messing with me lately. not said as an excuse, but a statement of fact. i think that some of the lethargy that i am experiencing is, in part, due to the fluctuations in the weather systems wandering through my fair place of residence. sunny. warm. rainy, and not so warm. high pressure, low pressure, snow even at a few points of the other day. so, my malaise as my father used to say, may he rest in peace, may be just down to me allowing a force that i cannot control, control me and my physiology. that and the aforementioned feeling of being ineffective just is making me feel blah, you know?

high points though are there, few and seldomly happening though that they are. seeing my friend, my dear friend Graham, and of course the time i get to spend with my dear friend and agent Howard make some of the days go by better than they ought to. hmm. do i need to add the ‘to’ after the ought? is it implied? not sure. sort of like how so many people, including authors who should know better say, or write ‘a myriad of’.. the ‘a’ and the ‘of’ are implied folks. of which there are myriad. that’s it. no a, no of.

anyhow, grammar lesson over, and that in and of itself is quite funny as my grammar at the best of times, sucks.

Mike Zito on now, for reference. Fun. Bluesy. Uplifting. Nice.

Dishes are almost done, and a load of laundry on the go. Productive little shit that i am, and hey look at me go!

To be honest, and this is really bare bones, deep down into the core of my rather unsettled existence, i miss being able to just wander around ‘my world’ and buy whatever grabbed my attention at the time. travelling to places that i wanted to, and not having to worry about the money. yeah, i know, doesn’t everyone? but, here’s the kicker. a part of me, perhaps not as large a part as it used to be, but a part of me misses the days of getting on the train, going out for dinner with my buddy K, not sleeping well in yet another hotel bed, getting up at 4am and going through the process of transiting to see my folks. yes, i miss them, that is a given. but you know? i recall one time, sitting at the gate, E72 for reference in my favourite airport TPA (Tampa, FLA, dontcha know) talking with a friend of mine, whilst going over a spreadsheet, and the remark being given that i was back where i belonged. on the move. in planes, hotels, lounges, limo’s. and you know what? more than a grain of truth in that. i do miss that part of my life, and i know that when i am able, i believe that i will resume being ‘on the go’ again.

and no, not for the ‘hey look at me’ part of it. that’s just bullshit. but for the motion. for the taking in of more and more information to fuel my brain. cannot equate myself to S. Holmes in that regard where my brain is like a racing engine, but it does work, and it needs to be stimulated. and, quite honestly, it gets lazy at times, and that is to my detriment.

however, i travel, as always, hopefully, and will see things to their successful conclusion one way or the other.

and, on that somewhat positive note, i wish for you and yours to be healthy, happy, and not in any area of conflict.

and, as always, i bid you,

peace

number of posts, and then for some reason, life, or ‘squirrel’ got in the way, and they were stopped. i really, one day, should cobble them together and post them. talk about an odd post that day, LOL.

at any rate, here i sit once again, I’m so Afraid playing in the background (live Fleetwood Mac for reference) and wondering just what i need to do to alter, no alter is incorrect, perhaps adjust, or recalibrate my current state of existence, to one that is more conducive to how i not only think it should be, but, in my very humble opinion, how it was meant to be.

Single. By choice i might add. As i mentioned to someone today, my brain is slowly positioning itself and its’ processes to think of me as a one, not a two. takes some doing i have to tell you, seeing as how, for the last few years i haven’t been a one. well, maybe a one and a half, not a full two.

the time spent taking care of my mom and dad were days and weeks spent being what i was. a son. looking out for the people that raised him. nothing more. nothing less. not a lot of time to think about being more than just that.

but now, with my tides having turned, and in the process of turning again, and, for reference, Slow Night Whiskey blues on the old music box, i find myself wondering if this is what my life will be. solitary days and nights, talking to the walls, sitting at my computer with something akin to Thor Heyerdahl on the Kon Tiki. seeking, searching, for something that wasn’t where it was, but hopefully will be where it is.

so many mistakes in the past few years. been written about on these pages, so i won’t bore you with them, or belabour the fact that i indeed was a numbskull.

however, light beckons at the proverbial end of the tunnel, or so i wake up every morning with that thought firmly ensconced in my mind. you have to, you know, wake up every day, thinking, knowing, that the day ahead is going to be better than the one before, because, as we all know, there is no tomorrow, it is always today.

saw a place the other day, a house this time, not an apartment, or flat, as i like to use, and i was quite favourably surprised by what i saw. i went in to the showing, with some suppositions that were changed by the time i spent touring the property.

it’s too big for one person, and quite honestly, i am not sure it will still be on the market when i am able to pull the proverbial trigger, however, life does happen for a reason, so i am going to travel hopefully on this one.

but yes, too big for just me, and, truth be told, all of the places that i have seen are too big for just me, and the spaces to a degree, some of them at any rate, would be left unused. however, this last place, funny enough, as big as it is, i would use more of it every day. at least, that is what i think at this moment in time.

not sure where this is going to go next, so, even though this is a short one, it is a one nonetheless.

so, as always, i hope that you and yours are not in any area of conflict, and are all safe, and healthy.

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.