write a lot more than i do now. myriad reasons i suppose, however one of them is that i am actually busy. well, busy-ish and the impetus to write isn’t as prevalent of late. also, i don’t read the news. once that idiot to the south of me got elected, i cancelled all my subscriptions to news feeds. no more NYT, no more CNN, no more AP, BBC, nothing.
why you ask?
simple. every day it is the same thing. lunacy. bullying behaviour. posturing and sabre rattling. and quite frankly i just don’t need that noise in my life, as i have enough external clatter to keep me occupied to have that nonsense filling my already overflowing airwaves.
cold here today, -28 real feel, with a winter storm watch in effect for the next while, so inside i am, and inside i shall stay. youtube fireplace with some soft jazz music on the tv, and here i sit, marshalling my thoughts just to clear out some of the detritus that has accumulated over the last while.
conflicted of late. i keep asking myself why i am continuing down a certain path, and why that path cannot just become a dead end. dead ends i can deal with, turn around, and find another outlet, but paths that continue on with no real coherent thought to the direction that it is taking you is something that yes, i have done before, but now, in the fall? approaching winter of my years, i need to have something a little more defined.
however, well, just however.
this world that i am in, professionally, isn’t an easy one, and one that i really didn’t want to be in at this stage of the game. but, here i am, and my goals haven’t changed, only become more delineated, and more strategic.
johnny depp said something, a quote from someone else the other day i saw, in an old interview… ‘money doesn’t change people, it reveals who they are’. that is so true, and so germane to the world that i am now.
everyone wants to be paid for doing literally nothing because they see a large sum of life changing money on the table that they think they are entitled to a share of. not how it works, and not something that i will allow to happen.
however, i believe that my approach to how i do things is fair, and once things are settled, i can then leave this path that i am on, and forge another, more sensible one to last out my time on this crazy lump of dirt.
changing your wiring though, in the later stages of your life, isn’t easy. whether you believe in the preordained or the adaptive you can choose how you live your life scenarios, your wiring is your wiring. just like your memory. nothing leaves. you just make it harder to get at.
well, my wiring is such that as hard as i try, and perhaps that is the key issue, that i am trying too hard, i seem to not relapse per se, but slide back into that familiar rut if you will of what i think is needed, whether that is correct or not.
take my personal life, the stagnant mess that it is.
on one hand, the path that i can envision is beckoning should things alter in such a way to allow the journey of a 1000 miles first step, and on the other, well, a journey indeed, but a solitary, but maybe more rewarding one.
words and actions.
i do know that the former journey aforementioned would be a wonderful one. this i know, and this i hold onto. and i think that the latter journey might be exciting, but it could also turn out to be one of heartache and sadness. well, if i was wired that way i suppose it would, or could be.
the snow is actually going up outside my window. i live in a high rise near other high rises so the tunnel causes this effect. snow going up. kind of neat actually.
have i mentioned that i dislike weekends? well, i do. freaking hate them. and then the week starts and everyone is back on the urgency train. why not just stay on it, but keep the pace and the emotion level and not have all this up and down all the time? pisses me off to no end. but, i suspect i am in the grossly tiny minority on this thought so i will leave it for the nonce.
i looked at a few places the other day with my dear friend and real estate agent. one of them was, well, just one of them, but the other two present a quandary. no gym vs a gym. cosy vs high ceilings. exclusive vs not as much, but still some. and the list of comparisons goes on.
were i to choose, no, were i to be able to pull the trigger right now, i know which one i think i would take, but i harken back to the aforementioned path. would that companion make the same choice, and would it be a mutually agreed upon choice? who’s to say Bob, who is to say.
i want to think that i know, actually, i probably do know, but hey, men are easy, women? not so much. and yes, it is a woman…
anyhow, a discussion for another day to be sure.
making some bread today, so my flat is filled with the smells of that. quite nice to be honest, homey if one can apply homey to the monk like life that i lead. not so austere as a monks cell i grant you, however, solitary as a monk you can safely go all in on.
people that sign agreements, to pay for services rendered, and then say, oh sorry, i can’t pay you, piss me off. and that is the end of that. if i continue to write, it might get unravelled and then who knows where this post might go, or even end.
anyways, i am going to get up and move about for a while, so will leave you to your day(s).
as always, i hope that you and yours are safe, and not in any areas of conflict, and
as always, i bid you,
peace