by self-doubt lately. well, i usually do have these periods of time when those ever present ‘you’re not good enough’ feelings are more prevalent than at other times, but of late, they are more on the surface than usual.

and, they usually show up around the time when sleep should be happening, and it doesn’t.

my brain, as mentioned in other posts, has a mind of its own, and at times, that can be quite trying, having to deal with getting it to do the things i need, and it just going off on its own doing what it does.

do i overthink things? probably. i think that is borne out of just being a product of my environment. can i pinpoint where and when? no, are you kidding me? could you? but being around my father, even though i really wasn’t ‘around’ him all the time, that attention to detail(s) that he had, most assuredly rubbed off on me, or became ingrained as it were.

and once again i find myself in the position of wanting to step back from things, and let them be. my brain (there’s that word again) may have other ideas, however, i will deal with it. i’m in something now, i think so at any rate, that i probably need to reverse my position and allow the river to just flow around me, and carry me to where it thinks i need to go. time will tell on that one.

the trouble is, and there is always a ‘the trouble is’ isn’t there? it’s that being non-linear, as opposed to being non-binary (WTF is that anyhow?) thoughts roil around in my cranium and flow to me unbidden on occasion, forcing me to analyze them. and again, usually in the middle of the night. which sucks.

to say that i am conflicted is somewhat of an understatement. on one hand, i do know that i’m pretty good at some things, perhaps more than some, and on the other hand, i wish that i could see in myself what others do. if they do.

and not for the first time, i probably need therapy. LOL.

this, though, is therapeutic to some extent, and i love you for listening to me.

self doubt. self deprecation. not being ‘good enough’. being called stupid. no wonder i turn to these pages to dump my brain, and also why i don’t sleep.

an active brain my father once remarked of me. true that Max, true that. it is active, and not an activity that i have a great deal of success in slowing down, or, heaven forbid, stopping.

it is the ubiquitous sense of just not being me, or the me i should be? or some such other psychobabble bullshit.

i was told recently that i was found to be refreshing because i was unapologetically me. huh. i guess. i think that it is more to the point that i am alone so much, without a great deal of personal interaction that there is a build up of ‘me’ and that gets let loose at times. LOL.

at any rate, things to do today, and on i must go with them.

until you grace me with your presence again, i wish you the warmest wishes for the season,

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.