cold yesterday. cold again today. LOL… sorry. had to alter one of my favourite Family Guy bits..

a dusting, a smattering if you will, of snow on the rooftops and ground as i look out from my elevated perch, here in the big smoke.

laying in bed last night, as is my wont, or its’ wont, my brain turned to thoughts of well, thoughts. thoughts of nothing in particular, and yet things in specific, if that makes any sense at all. it did in my head. LOL.

i used to write more. not quite prolifically, but more than i tend to do now. life has changed, big city and all i suppose, but one thought did cross my miniscule mind last night and it is thus; where i used to live, it was in essence at ground level, and had a view of the comings and goings, such as they were, of my little burg. but now, and where i am living, i can see well, buildings. and not very interesting ones at that. oh sure, i can get up and see more, like the highway and its’ congestion, but its different now. up there i could wander down the hall and see my neighbour. here i don’t even think i have a neighbour. i did, but he moved a while ago, and to my knowledge, no one has moved in as of yet.

i wrote yesterday, maybe some of you saw it, and the reactions i got were mixed to say the least. some positive, some thinking i was sad (maybe, but not really) and others thinking i wanted to end it all. huh.

the positive i get as, well, no, i don’t get it unless it was just that it was being commented on my brain and it’s output.. the sad, well, no, other than perhaps a person not familiar with my brain, and the end it all, well, no.

and please, whatever you do, do not get to thinking that i am going to be writing festive pieces during the run up to that give me give me day. not in me, and never will be. yes, ok, if i am with others that enjoy the season such as yourselves, i would not be E Scrooge, and i would join in with being holly jolly. however, all a facade to be honest, and only doing it for others. that’s the guy i am, selfless.. LOL.. now that made me laugh.. 🙂

dreading the day actually. believe it has been annotated in a prior post that i was/am invited to go north, to the area of my former residence, and spend time with my old neighbour and his kin. nice folks, just well, oddly enough, or, well, not oddly enough if you knew me, i would prefer to be alone. here i can wander around, talk to myself, swing my golf club, play the piano, nap, read, and there? well, i have to be nice, and talk about things. but, i shall go, and endeavour to be nice, which in truth, i am (shh don’t tell anyone) and before you know it, i will be home, and it will be the 26th, and i can then shut off until i have to deal with the 31st… ugh. stupid day. although, on the 30th i am going to a concert, so that will be nice. really nice actually and truly looking forward to it.

snow is coming down now, rather it is going sideways past my windows as in between buildings things tend to go where they go, up even. truth! i’ve seen it. odd occurrence to say the least.

need to clean today. not that my flat is dirty, but my island is once again populated and not barren as it should be. yeah, i know, that’s a little OCD which i am not, just that while i am cluttered at times, i dislike clutter. if that makes sense. again, it made sense in my head.

i got a new heavy blanket.. did i mention this? anyhow, no, i didn’t, so will elucidate now if i may. ages ago, when i lived up north, i got one. did it help? not sure, not enough empirical date to formulate an opinion. however, that one is in storage, god knows where, so i got a new one of a different variety. been having trouble sleeping, (what else is new?) so thought i would give this idea a whirl one more time. jury is still debating on what to have for lunch, so not getting anything from them for a while. i mean, come on, chicken/pizza or burgers. how hard could it be??

anyhow, i am not sure that this experiment will last. i would like it to, but, well…

i am still ignoring the news, or trying to do so. i see some headlines now and again but for the most part i am staying away from going down the rabbit hole that is the news, mainstream or otherwise.

i miss going to Florida. for several reasons i might add, and oddly enough, just because it is warmer than here isn’t on the top of the list. and no, i don’t do beaches. really? no, i miss first and foremost my parents. i miss that sense of being able to do something for them. i miss their caregivers. i do miss my friends at the hotel where i used to stay, and yes, ok, i miss the weather, but in the winter it isn’t that warm i have to tell you.

tomorrow is the shortest day of the year or so the almanacs say. the shortest day in the longest most drawn out excruciating month of the year. a long december indeed sang Adam D, he of the counting crows. did you know that a group of crows is called a murder? and, fun fact, a parliament of owls. huh. who knew?

i am owed a sum of money from a company that i bailed out earlier this year. they got their funding recently and now the money is due back. but wait! it gets better. message received this morning that the accountant has to do calculations and those will only be done by the 27th. funny. no, the accountant is fucking off for the holidays and was/is too stupid to have done a preliminary spreadsheet showing amounts to be distributed ages ago. this is just laughable, and one more reason why i regret helping them in the first place. or actually helping almost everyone. it’s always about THEIR stress, and THEIR lives. forget the fact that its ME who is bailing you out. apparently i’m the one with no life, stress or feeling. huh i say, huh.

lord i really need to have a shower and shave and get on with the dreaded decluttering of my space. i have connections for a cleaning service, but truth be told, i am loathe to engage because my flat isn’t that big, and if i cannot clean it, well, shame on me.

so, with that thought lingering like a overdone roast, i again bid you the warmest wishes for the season, a festive and jolly weekend, and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.

write about myriad subjects today. several posts have been careening about my somewhat lucid at times grey matter, but this morning, as i sit here, the only sound being the keys as i type, and the hum of the fridge, my brain is, uncharacteristically devoid of thought.

would that i could, i would time travel myself back to, oh, let’s say, when i was 26 or 7. no drunken binge for 3 years. no marriages. no kid who, well, that’s another story. no sojourn to the middle east. no other kid either. and myriad other things that i won’t delve into now.

where would i be i wonder.

most assuredly i would not be here, sitting alone at my desk, writing to an unseen or even unknown audience. huh.

i love it when people say ‘we will talk soon’. bullshit. talk? you mean type into some 6″ screen words that are ofttimes misconstrued and taken out of context.

we, as a society. don’t talk. and the ones that do talk, are often such fucking racist and hate filled assholes that they shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

phones. the bane of our existence i say. would that i could, i would ban them. no seriously. how many times have people almost walked into you on the street because they were looking at some feed on insta-stupid, or crock of shit tok or some such nonsense.

backpacks too. outlawed.

gorgeous sunny day here, but there is one gray/black cloud hanging low ala the Addams Family. waiting for the lightening bolts to start flying.

Christmas is upon you. not me because of previous posts about my feelings towards this season. Christ mas. What does Christ have to do with this season? NOTHING! He was most likely born in June or July. He certainly wasn’t blond and blue eyes, and oh yeah, HE WAS A JEW!!!

there is a line in the movie Thirteen Days, and i do believe that i have used it on here before, but i will reiterate it given the sense of self that i have these days… “and I just wished for a second that somebody else was president.” Just for a second I wish that i wasn’t me. That i wasn’t who i am, and i could just not be anyone other than a non-descript wallflower who people walk by without so much as a glance.

Just for a second.

To not be me.

Me and Amos. It’s hard to not think things. As Thomas de Q says, ‘there is no such thing as forgetting’. true that Thomas, true bloody that.

Yes, i know what you are thinking. This guy is fucked up. LOL. Probably. But, i do what i do, and i go through life knowing that what is to be, will be (que Sera anyone?) and my time here should have most assuredly ended 30 years ago, so…

The new year approaches, and with it comes people making this claim, or that prognostication. Me? Well, two things, maybe three. Two of them i can do, the third, well, that will take some doing. Will i though? Ah you see? That’s the beauty of it all. People take these ‘resolutions’ that they make every year, and start, then stop, and then recycle them the next New Years eve as they are drinking shitty champagne and trying to get into the pants of their partner. This is why i eschew such events. New Years Eve? why. i’m usually in bed before 1030 and the next day, is, well, another day.

A lot of folks that i know bitch and complain about our government here in the great white north. Usually about the leader of our happy little misfits. They look to me for input on said subject. Sorry kiddies. I don’t read the news anymore since that fucking asshole got elected down south, and i most certainly even if i did read the news, do not follow the political goings on up here. Why? We aren’t quite as bad as those racist fuckers to the south, but we aren’t the best either. So, i politely decline to enter the fray, take a sip of my wine, smile, and stay quiet.

You know, when it came to pass that my phone wasn’t required as such to be a source of contact between my father and i, or the lawyers, or accountants, hindsight being 20/20, i really should have just shut it off and gone away. I did try in part to do that, but stupid me, i returned to the fold of civilization and allowed the insanity to grab hold of me again.

Could I do it now? Not sure. Would be nice to be sure. I just don’t think that i am cut out to be me anymore. Just for a second.

I am though, at times, as was told to me the other day, my own worst enemy. True. I am. Would that i could, i would call up C Nolan and see if he couldn’t devise a way from one of his movies to re-wire me into, well, not me. Interesting thought.

People see me as something that I don’t see. Yeah, ok, i joke at times about how good i am, but that belies how i really feel. I just do what i do. That’s all. And, again, i, at times, really wish that i couldn’t ‘do what i do’. It’s annoying and it gives people unfair at times, expectations of what i am capable of.

My own worst enemy. Yep. That I am.

And yet, and yet.

Tired of being used. Tired of being expected to (fill in whatever you want here) Just fucking tired of being seen as something that i am truly not.

Would that i could, and in all honesty i probably can, I would walk away from it all and just go live in a little village somewhere. No expectations. No being seen as ‘that guy’. Just a nobody. From nowhere.

But, I am a product of all that i have seen, everyone that i have met, both good and bad, and of course of the environment that my parents created, so walking away from it all, perhaps, would do all of the above a disservice. Perhaps. And therein lies the rub as Willy S intoned in Hamlet.

My own worst enemy.

I do need to shave, that’s for sure. Getting quite raggedy around the edges. Funny. There was a time, when bereft of mirrors, facial grooming was not on top of my list, only the quest for pot noodles and decent coffee. How times have changed.

Anyhow, life goes on, with or without my approval, so on i must go with it, in whatever capacity has been deemed to be my lot.

Warmest wishes to you and yours for the remainder of this holiday season, and into the new year.

As always, I bid you,

Peace.

four years ago. wow. well, not this, but what is to come i mean. and in going through it just now, save for the bits about having parental issues, because, well, no parents, a lot of it still holds true today. sad really that my life has been stuck in this cycle of never ending bullshit for that long. longer actually.

jesus, what a dim view, eh what? truly i say this. it is dim of me to think that my life isn’t something better than i perceive it to be. am i messed up or what?

at any rate, here i am, there you are, and it is officially 12 days until Christmas unless of course you are on the other side of the world and it is 11 days.

here you go then, a 4 year old offering of my brain.. enjoy, or at least try not to shake your head and say, god, what a mess he is, thank fuck i’m not that crazy! LOL..

The day is the day today. People around me I think, have this misconception that I am part of this amazing support network. Really? And what, I ask you, gave you that truly mind boggling misguided impression? To clarify… I don’t have one. This is me. On my own for the most part, and doing what I do.

I get it from all sides. Fix this, get my lawn cut, fix my phone, give me money so that I can leave this country. And I am now some sort of mystical Harry Potter/Tony Stark type figure?

Well, ok, I am, but the simple fact remains that basically this is me. As me. Nothing else. Yes, there are many things that I bring on myself. I get that, and admit it, but come on, enough is enough already.

I try and be the best person that I am capable of. Help people. Support people by listening, or advising, or even giving money. And yes, at times I get some support back, however, for the most part. I don’t have anyone to lean on. I don’t have anyone to listen to the days travails. I have the guy in the mirror. Am I a mess? No. Truthfully the most mentally strong person I know. Do I have demons? Sure. Don’t you? But my demons are buried. Until 3AM… LOL.

I get on with getting on. And I continue to do what I do. My fault, sure, but this is the only way I know how to be. Do I need a change? Fuck yes. Do I need someone in my life? Simple answer is hell yes. Is my life ready for it? Well folks, that is the 64 thousand dollar question. And I will take I haven’t a clue for 500 please Alex.

People love to say ‘I’m not judging’ and yet they do just that, and then start offering advice. Advice like flatulence is always free, and oft times truly unwanted. The world is full of ‘self-help’ experts. No time for that. Sorry. But, lessons learned today, and in the future I will not mention my issues, and just state that everything is ok, fine, and moving forward as always. Thereby eliminating the need for judgement, advice, concern or anything else that is associated with people wanting to ‘fix’ me.

I have let some stress get to me. That’s not a normal thing. Usually I am able to float past the bullshit and get on with things. Not of late though and that bothers me. Do I need a reset? Most likely. Some time away? Sadly this just isn’t possible. Not geographically at any rate. And not really communication wise either. There are always going to be parent issues, and again sadly, those are just going to keep building as time goes along. Being so far away, and honestly I have been a lot farther away, but being where I am, is hard. Wish I could just pop in and fix what the issues are, whether they are the lawn, the computer, or just doing their shopping for them, however, the world being what it is, that’s not feasible at this moment in time. I am positive though, that this abnormal situation will subside, and life will return, or adjust. All about change right? And adapting to it. Best as I can Bob, best as I can.

/end rant.

Other than the above, life moves on today. Next hurdle is getting my father back online and that is down to my brother reconnecting everything. And hopefully cleaning up some of the cable clutter that I am sure was there. And once that is done I will get back on it, and go through the inevitable journey of getting my Dad back up to speed with his banking and the normal every day things that he does. I know he misses his computer, and when you get older I guess, a change, any change in a routine can really be earth shattering.

However, we will get it sorted out I am sure. Between my brother and I, we are sort of on the smarter side of the scale, so given that, I think it will be all good.

I like to think that I am not a complicated person, although truth be told, I probably am a lot more complex than I let on, or present to the visual world. Deeply passionate, a person who thinks, but goes by instinct, who cares about those around him and yet neglects himself ofttimes. So as you can see, there are a few conflicts running around my person, to say the very least.

I appreciate you. Where the hell did this phrase come from? Does anyone know? I keep seeing it, and hearing it of late. And in a great many of these cases, it makes little to no sense. I appreciate you. Head shaking. Our verbal skills are certainly deteriorating that is for damn skippy. I blame social media. Yes, I know, this has been written by me ad nauseum. But it is true. Our spelling skills are shit. And you know what? There really isn’t a fucking excuse for it. Spell check anyone? Full of the rant today am I not? Gotta get off this fucking boat man. Just got to abandon ship and seek refuge or passage elsewhere.

Sunny today. Nice day. I remark on that only because I am at my desk in full view and scope of the western sun. Warm. Nice.

Got some wooden dowels in. The package that was late alluded to in an earlier missive. Anyhow, I have used them up almost organizing my Ikea shelves, so now a fair amount of my pans and such are in a better way than they used. Nice. I like the look now. Hate clutter and yet it just seems that I am in a never ending state of it. Meh I say. Meh.

I want to do so many things with my remaining. So many plans. A great many sets of goals, but they all hinge on one thing. And that obstacle is proving a tad difficult to get around. Climbing the mountain, but, like Sisyphus, within a foot of the top, back down to the bottom I go. Well, maybe not the bottom, but down the slope a fair chunk. However, builds character as they say, and it hasn’t killed me yet, so I am still on the climb, still moving towards the summit, and I will continue to push on as hard as I can, for as long as I can. Just how I am wired. Of course, being with someone on the journey would be nice, as I mentioned a while ago, but, should that not happen, well, not a lot I can do about it, right? The more you want something, the less I think it is liable to happen, so, I endeavour to keep my thoughts off of the missing bits of my life, and on the ones that I can in some way control. Or attempt to control anyhow.

I think though, that today’s jottings and musings and rants are over, and that I will leave you to your evening.

Until next time,

Peace,

by self-doubt lately. well, i usually do have these periods of time when those ever present ‘you’re not good enough’ feelings are more prevalent than at other times, but of late, they are more on the surface than usual.

and, they usually show up around the time when sleep should be happening, and it doesn’t.

my brain, as mentioned in other posts, has a mind of its own, and at times, that can be quite trying, having to deal with getting it to do the things i need, and it just going off on its own doing what it does.

do i overthink things? probably. i think that is borne out of just being a product of my environment. can i pinpoint where and when? no, are you kidding me? could you? but being around my father, even though i really wasn’t ‘around’ him all the time, that attention to detail(s) that he had, most assuredly rubbed off on me, or became ingrained as it were.

and once again i find myself in the position of wanting to step back from things, and let them be. my brain (there’s that word again) may have other ideas, however, i will deal with it. i’m in something now, i think so at any rate, that i probably need to reverse my position and allow the river to just flow around me, and carry me to where it thinks i need to go. time will tell on that one.

the trouble is, and there is always a ‘the trouble is’ isn’t there? it’s that being non-linear, as opposed to being non-binary (WTF is that anyhow?) thoughts roil around in my cranium and flow to me unbidden on occasion, forcing me to analyze them. and again, usually in the middle of the night. which sucks.

to say that i am conflicted is somewhat of an understatement. on one hand, i do know that i’m pretty good at some things, perhaps more than some, and on the other hand, i wish that i could see in myself what others do. if they do.

and not for the first time, i probably need therapy. LOL.

this, though, is therapeutic to some extent, and i love you for listening to me.

self doubt. self deprecation. not being ‘good enough’. being called stupid. no wonder i turn to these pages to dump my brain, and also why i don’t sleep.

an active brain my father once remarked of me. true that Max, true that. it is active, and not an activity that i have a great deal of success in slowing down, or, heaven forbid, stopping.

it is the ubiquitous sense of just not being me, or the me i should be? or some such other psychobabble bullshit.

i was told recently that i was found to be refreshing because i was unapologetically me. huh. i guess. i think that it is more to the point that i am alone so much, without a great deal of personal interaction that there is a build up of ‘me’ and that gets let loose at times. LOL.

at any rate, things to do today, and on i must go with them.

until you grace me with your presence again, i wish you the warmest wishes for the season,

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.

year, to me, is somewhat of a thorn in my side.

people have said, and i tend to agree with them, that i see things as they are, from more sides than most, and the incredible elevation of bullshit during this season, drives me batty.

a friend, a good friend, told me the other day, that he thinks that my views of the world have been shaped by the fact that i have been to so many places, and due to that, i see things that others perhaps don’t.

kind words indeed, and appreciated. however, if i may, i would like to add a further qualification to that bit of praise. sure, i have travelled, but then again, so have many of you, and most likely more than i, but, and this is only a supposition on my part, perhaps my wiring and the fact that my favourite word is ‘why’ belongs in the mix as well.

at any rate, i am who i am, and i do what i do, but not apparently, am i ‘just a guy’. LOL.

i do, do what i do, and as i said to someone the other day, i make no apologies for my abilities, and they come unbidden, and, at times, with a cost. the same someone, asked me if i was hard on myself. LOL. you could say that says i. comes from a lifetime of being called stupid i guess.

i will say this though, and apropos of really nothing at all, i am happy. if happy is a term that one can apply to my personage. i mean, besides my intense dislike of this time of year. but i am happy. and, dare i say it, finding some peace, or have found peace, and finding more?

back to this time of year though.. what is it, that drives us so? why do we put ourselves through this heightened sense of whatever it is, to just be let down so harshly come the 2nd or 3rd of January? it’s like the first snowfall. everyone forgets how to drive. it is almost like we are all homer simpson, and can only put so much in our brain, and if we do, other things get forgotten.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That’s because you were drunk! Homer: And how!

you see people in stores that you know they have never been in. you see more cars on the road. people are overtly nice when in reality they are assholes. and why? because they think they are doing something good and might ger rewarded for it? who knows. i most certainly do not, but at the same time, i ponder these things. yeah, i know, i’m odd. in fact, i used to have a site called that…’my odd views’

anyhow, life goes on with or without my approval, so on i go with it. and, my brain is urging me to get up and away from this dreaded machine, and on with doing something productive today.

so, i leave you with, and quite sincerely, the warmest wishes for the season, and hoping that you and yours have a wonderful and peaceful holiday time. stay safe and healthy.

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.

So, lying awake…

At 430 ish my time, in the Ack Emma, my brain turned to the topic of truffles, and how, really, I just am not that fond of them. Yes, I know, I need more sleep, or I need someone beside me to tell me to go back to sleep. And no, Alexa doesn’t count. LOL

I racked my brain for a while about my past experiences with said item and came up with the same conclusion. Not a fan thus far. Something about the smell maybe? The taste? Just not sure.

At any rate, I am as of early morning my time, officially not on the truffle train.

Yes, I know, my brain is a wonderful place to play around in, isn’t it?

I need new suits, and a tux. Why? Not sure to be honest, although I do miss my tuxedo, and would like to have another just in case I want to visit Monte Carlo or Macau. LOL. Yeah, ok, can you see me in those places? More like being a headwaiter at some upscale version of McDonalds. 😊

Two for the show. Huh.

I wonder what it will be like to go back to my ‘home’. Most likely welcomed with little to no fanfare, which suits me just fine. I might go see my favourite serving staff though. Now those folks, I truly miss. Yes, I miss others and you know who you are, but I do miss Manny. Quite a guy, and truly genuine.

Flying today. What else is new? This time it’s not quite commercial though, which to be honest, I don’t miss, and would rather fly this way, but only on special occasions or when I just need to get somewhere expediently.

How are you guys today? All is well in your world? Everyone healthy and happy? No one in conflict areas?

Tell you something what I miss. I miss the writings of TM. You need to sit down and put pen to paper and get what is stored away up there, out. You are a great writer, and you shouldn’t keep things bottled up. I am your biggest fan on this, trust me.

Truffles. Can you imagine? Worry about a business plan. Pondering about what you are going to do today. Anything but truffles. Wow. Welcome to my brain. LOL.

The sky is crying… Indeed, SRV it is crying.

I am troubled though. Not sure why yet, but something, some stupid little thing is niggling at the back of my brain, itching to have its’ voice heard. What that voice will bring forth, not quite yet determined, but I am sure that it will either be monumental, or a non-starter. 50/50 right?

I see a tailor tomorrow. Quite a famous one, by all accounts, in the city of my current-ish residence. Not quite sure that I want to enlist the services of a so well renowned suit maker but let us see. I would prefer a hole in the wall shop but being a neophyte to the city and its’ clothing options, let’s start at or near the top and work our way downwards, shall we? We shall sayeth the inner voice that I don’t listen to often enough.

Day is long over, for me at any rate. Some good, some ok, some downright confusing, but overall, any day that you can end without being shot, that’s a good day.

Hope you are all ok, and I mean what I said TM, you need to write more.

Pax

post ages ago, and kept it private, for myriad reasons, but laying in bed last night, my brain mulling over events of the day, and coughing up a storm, the thoughts, some of them at any rate, made known their presence, and this morning, whilst poking around my files, i came across this one. not sure why i’m posting it, as truly i say to you, i am beyond happy at this present moment in time, but, perhaps, some deep seated sense of something or other is prompting me to do so.

so, without further ado, i leave you with…

I have started…

And abandoned several posts lately, great thoughts at the beginning, and then the steam left me, or the day happened. Whatever the case, they are still sitting there, but today, well, this one will be finished because I think it will be short.

Lying in bed last night, I was going over, again, the reasons behind my seemingly abrupt departure, and concluded that we all want something in life, right?

Well, it occurred to me that what I thought I wanted, isn’t really what I needed, or need, or will require in the future.

So, what is it that I want? No really, can someone enlighten me? Because right now, I haven’t the first foggiest idea of what it is. And this comes from a person who is usually pretty good at being able to negotiate the highways and byways of life. Mostly at any rate.

What I thought I wanted turned out to be not what was needed, and what I thought I needed, turned out to be not what I wanted.

Confusion in my world reigns supreme.

I got an email today from someone that I left behind. Of all the people that I did do this injustice to, she is one of two that I most sincerely, and will forever regret. Life isn’t fair, and at times it downright sucks.

Do I though, have regrets over my leaving my life behind? Yeah, I do. Happy? I admit that I have regrets.

Some regrets you cannot avoid have happen to you, but this one, this was self manufactured, and like when I first walked into the airport when leaving for Bahrain; if I had looked back, I wouldn’t have gone.

I, in my own weird and let’s face it, fucked up brain and damaged psyche, had to do this. The final solution will never be on the table because in my opinion, it is the grossest act of selfishness that can be perpetrated.

However, a solution had to be found, and this one was the best that I could come up with.

Yes, some of you, all of you? Who knows. Got hurt. Or did you? I don’t know. But I will again apologize for it and mean it with all of my heart.

Whither thou goest, oh man of many faults? What road will you travel on, on your quest to find that which you have no idea what you are seeking.

Not sure Bob, really not sure. Sometimes though, as Mick J croons, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. Amen Mick my son, Amen.

Peace.

mentioned that i truly do, dislike this time of year. myriad reasons as to why, not the least of which is the utter and so blatantly obvious commercialism and false niceness.

but, and there is always a but, perhaps a deeper reason as to my intense, public, discomfort with this time of year.

written about on these pages in the past, as you know, or don’t know, depending on when you were introduced to the ramblings of my at times quite non-linear brain, that i really haven’t been a good guy. not a good father, not a good husband/partner, and most certainly not a good son. yeah, ok, i made up for it a little, mark that, LITTLE, way over the past few years, but i have to tell you folks, no, i wasn’t a good son.

to my credit, no matter where i was in the world, i didn’t miss a birthday, or anniversary, Mother’s Day or Father’s day, and i always strived to give something, flowers, a card, a gift, what have you. if you wanted to delve deeper into that, and i am, i feel that somewhere in the depths of my, i would say, scarred psyche, those gestures were more to assuage my overriding sense that i truly wasn’t the son that my parents hoped for when they adopted me at exactly 6 months old.

yes, i am adopted. that to me is neither here nor there as my parents, the ones that i lost recently as you know, were my ONLY parents, so in a sense, they were my real parents. do i know my birth parents? no, i do not. i do know of them, however that knowledge only came to me in the last few years, and they were already not of this earth.

at any rate, back to the whole i don’t like Christmas motif.

i missed Christmas’s. a lot of them. some of them, i was alone, while my partner left to be with their families in another country/city, whatever. some, i just wasn’t on this side of the world. and by this side i mean the side that just elected that fucking moron down south of us.

i wasn’t around. just not geographically, but not around in the sense that i didn’t feel part of things, of family. on the surface i could attribute that to the overtly ‘we are the best’ attitude of dumb and dumber, but deeper down i think it was that i wanted to be left alone. got my wish on that one. LOL.

missing the celebrations of this time of year became habit for me, and my dislike grew with each passing year. i worked on the 25th, more times than i didn’t. and even this year, i will be alone. yeah, ok, my former neighbour, whom i do like, has invited me to be with his family on the day. 1 1/2 drive up north through shitty traffic and weather, so, might take a pass on that. will i? no, most likely not, as my inner ‘you should be nicer you shit’ self will dictate that i get in the truck and make the trek north to the land of my former residence.

i wasn’t a good son. when i landed in Florida in 2022, and walked through my parents door, that was the first time in 14 years. and prior to that i think it was 7 or 8 years of a gap between visits.

not a good son. i wasn’t present. just like, i’m not a good father. yeah, ok, i pay the bills, or some of them, but that doesn’t make you a good parent.

this time of year, while important to so many of you, just isn’t to me, and that is on me. and my own sense of failing my family (no, not my asshole brother, seriously?) but my parents.

i do hope though, that you and yours have a safe and joyous holiday season, and that, again, you are safe, and healthy, and not in any areas of conflict.

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.

admonished of late, and well, in the past as well, for using ‘just a guy’ as a descriptor for how i see myself.

also, full disclosure; i wrote this for the most part, yesterday while face down on a massage table for 90 minutes. just wanted you to know, if you hadn’t sussed it out already, just how my brain tends to work when left its’ own devices. 🙂

at any rate, being admonished. huh. well, you see, it’s like this (favourite saying of my son’s) i truly don’t see myself as anything other than that.

i wrote recently about being mostly invisible. i stand by that premise with caveats.

and, i am, just a guy. i haven’t done anything. oh sure, i have been nice to some, and helped a few more, but truly i say to you, i haven’t really done, anything of note to warrant me thinking that i am more than what i am.

it was said of me, to me, about me, something, a long time ago, that i had no ego. well, ID, EGO, SUPEREGO as dear ole Siggy F once postulated. I think that we all have them, just that perhaps, and i’m not in ole Sigmunds league mind you, but perhaps we lose or bury one or more of those and get on with using only what remains.

For me, i think, it is the superego. Yeah, not overly grandiose thinking on my part, so don’t think that I am George Reeves come back to life. (he was superman for the record) I just feel that given how i am, and what i do, this is the most apt way of describing me to others. Just a guy.

I have met many a personage in my lifetime, more than some, not as much as some others. But in my travels, whilst seeing some of the more shitty sides of humanity, I have come across those of you that truly are exceptional, and are more deserving of accolades and plaudits than yours truly.

However, I shall endeavour to indulge those of you who seem to feel that i am more than ‘just a guy’ and refrain from describing myself thus.

I do what i do. That cannot be helped. And i was raised to be humble. Hasn’t always been the case i will admit, as there was a time when most likely i was perceived to be an arrogant asshole. Time though, softens and weathers out the rough edges, like a stone in a rushing river.

Thank you, for being here, and as always, i hope that you and yours are safe and not in any areas of conflict,

And, as always, I bid you,

Peace.

written much of late, and not, to be honest, from the lack of material that is careening about my, at times, coherent and others scattered, brain matter.

as mentioned to a friend the other day i have quite a few documents started, but ‘squirrel’ and the train goes off the track.

sitting here, alone as it happens, in the city that was once home to my family, parents not me, and listening to Miles, i find myself seeking some introspection into my life to date. old files, pictures and of course the ubiquitous me and Amos memory facility.

people, some, a few, maybe more than that, and including my father, may he rest in peace and not be pissing my mother off too much, say that i have lived an interesting life. huh. maybe. not so sure about that.

written on these pages before to be sure, that my life just has been. and, in a post around a month ago, i remarked that the conclusion is that i really am not anything, in the grand scheme of things. Claude Rains as the Invisible Man was invoked at the time.

but, and there is always a ‘but’, i revise that to be not nothing, but more of an atm to many, and once my largesse has subsided, i am relegated to the dustbin of the time, to be forgotten until the next time money or help or well, money, is required to make someone’s life ‘less stressful’. right.

and yes, i know, this sounds bitter, and hey, you aren’t far from wrong on that score, however to be honest, (funny comment about that, remind me) by and large it is my fault. perhaps an inner fault that i need to be seen as someone who helps just to boost my inner sense of something or other, or that i gain some sort of favour in whomever i am helping eyes. not sure where that came from, that feeling of insecurity but i think it is there. not sure though. therapist here i come! LOL.

and about the ‘to be honest’ thing. i love when people, especially sales associates, say ‘can i be honest with you?’… no, i want you to lie to me. WTF? LOL.

ages ago, a lifetime, no, two lifetimes ago, i wrote this little piece about me and who i thought i was, or am, or some such descriptor. recently i sent it to a new friend, and a friend that i truly believe came into my life, while not physically as of yet, but digitally and vocally, at the right time. quite enjoy her company, so to speak, and hope that it continues.

at any rate, she remarked to me, via a voice note that she found it amazing? interesting? something, that i wrote it so quickly. i guess thinks i. it is like this piece today. i’ve been at this for 15 minutes so far, ish, and here i am, and well, not sure where it’s going to end.

this AI thing interests me. to change the subject at 50K feet. chatgpt, which i will admit, i’ve used, and on here as well. they have an AI Assistant which analyses your post prior to publishing it. i get a kick out of using it at times, because sometimes it comes up with nothing, which i find odd, to the occasions when it comments that i should be more coherent, or make it more subjective, or some such machine way of thinking.

like a machine is going to know how my brain works. i’m sure it thinks it knows HOW my brain should work, however, have to tell you though, i can smell the circuits singeing right now… LOL

silly season is upon us. fuck. cannot tell you how much i loathe this time of year. ok, well, sure, i have in the past, but i will reiterate it for the newbies among you. I. HATE. CHRISTMAS. there, how’s that? fucking hate it. time of year that is filled with commercialism, false niceness, and plain old bullshit.

and sue me if you don’t like my views. i really don’t give a toss. the only good thing to come out of this time of year, is my son’s birthday, and the song A Long December by the Counting Crows.

we go on and on about ‘helping’ those in need at this time of year, but what about the other 11 months? how about that? and people posting on Insta-stupid, or TikCrock or some such social media bullshit, about their wishes, or gets, or what have you, makes me sick.

/end rant

and on to other things. or not. huh.

i need a break. got it into my head that i need to go away somewhere. warm. however, the whole inherent dislike of resorts precludes me going to any of those destinations. what to do yanni, what to do.

life is though, life is.

and until i invade these pages again, i hope that you and yours are all ok, and not in any areas of conflict…

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.