four years ago. wow. well, not this, but what is to come i mean. and in going through it just now, save for the bits about having parental issues, because, well, no parents, a lot of it still holds true today. sad really that my life has been stuck in this cycle of never ending bullshit for that long. longer actually.

jesus, what a dim view, eh what? truly i say this. it is dim of me to think that my life isn’t something better than i perceive it to be. am i messed up or what?

at any rate, here i am, there you are, and it is officially 12 days until Christmas unless of course you are on the other side of the world and it is 11 days.

here you go then, a 4 year old offering of my brain.. enjoy, or at least try not to shake your head and say, god, what a mess he is, thank fuck i’m not that crazy! LOL..

The day is the day today. People around me I think, have this misconception that I am part of this amazing support network. Really? And what, I ask you, gave you that truly mind boggling misguided impression? To clarify… I don’t have one. This is me. On my own for the most part, and doing what I do.

I get it from all sides. Fix this, get my lawn cut, fix my phone, give me money so that I can leave this country. And I am now some sort of mystical Harry Potter/Tony Stark type figure?

Well, ok, I am, but the simple fact remains that basically this is me. As me. Nothing else. Yes, there are many things that I bring on myself. I get that, and admit it, but come on, enough is enough already.

I try and be the best person that I am capable of. Help people. Support people by listening, or advising, or even giving money. And yes, at times I get some support back, however, for the most part. I don’t have anyone to lean on. I don’t have anyone to listen to the days travails. I have the guy in the mirror. Am I a mess? No. Truthfully the most mentally strong person I know. Do I have demons? Sure. Don’t you? But my demons are buried. Until 3AM… LOL.

I get on with getting on. And I continue to do what I do. My fault, sure, but this is the only way I know how to be. Do I need a change? Fuck yes. Do I need someone in my life? Simple answer is hell yes. Is my life ready for it? Well folks, that is the 64 thousand dollar question. And I will take I haven’t a clue for 500 please Alex.

People love to say ‘I’m not judging’ and yet they do just that, and then start offering advice. Advice like flatulence is always free, and oft times truly unwanted. The world is full of ‘self-help’ experts. No time for that. Sorry. But, lessons learned today, and in the future I will not mention my issues, and just state that everything is ok, fine, and moving forward as always. Thereby eliminating the need for judgement, advice, concern or anything else that is associated with people wanting to ‘fix’ me.

I have let some stress get to me. That’s not a normal thing. Usually I am able to float past the bullshit and get on with things. Not of late though and that bothers me. Do I need a reset? Most likely. Some time away? Sadly this just isn’t possible. Not geographically at any rate. And not really communication wise either. There are always going to be parent issues, and again sadly, those are just going to keep building as time goes along. Being so far away, and honestly I have been a lot farther away, but being where I am, is hard. Wish I could just pop in and fix what the issues are, whether they are the lawn, the computer, or just doing their shopping for them, however, the world being what it is, that’s not feasible at this moment in time. I am positive though, that this abnormal situation will subside, and life will return, or adjust. All about change right? And adapting to it. Best as I can Bob, best as I can.

/end rant.

Other than the above, life moves on today. Next hurdle is getting my father back online and that is down to my brother reconnecting everything. And hopefully cleaning up some of the cable clutter that I am sure was there. And once that is done I will get back on it, and go through the inevitable journey of getting my Dad back up to speed with his banking and the normal every day things that he does. I know he misses his computer, and when you get older I guess, a change, any change in a routine can really be earth shattering.

However, we will get it sorted out I am sure. Between my brother and I, we are sort of on the smarter side of the scale, so given that, I think it will be all good.

I like to think that I am not a complicated person, although truth be told, I probably am a lot more complex than I let on, or present to the visual world. Deeply passionate, a person who thinks, but goes by instinct, who cares about those around him and yet neglects himself ofttimes. So as you can see, there are a few conflicts running around my person, to say the very least.

I appreciate you. Where the hell did this phrase come from? Does anyone know? I keep seeing it, and hearing it of late. And in a great many of these cases, it makes little to no sense. I appreciate you. Head shaking. Our verbal skills are certainly deteriorating that is for damn skippy. I blame social media. Yes, I know, this has been written by me ad nauseum. But it is true. Our spelling skills are shit. And you know what? There really isn’t a fucking excuse for it. Spell check anyone? Full of the rant today am I not? Gotta get off this fucking boat man. Just got to abandon ship and seek refuge or passage elsewhere.

Sunny today. Nice day. I remark on that only because I am at my desk in full view and scope of the western sun. Warm. Nice.

Got some wooden dowels in. The package that was late alluded to in an earlier missive. Anyhow, I have used them up almost organizing my Ikea shelves, so now a fair amount of my pans and such are in a better way than they used. Nice. I like the look now. Hate clutter and yet it just seems that I am in a never ending state of it. Meh I say. Meh.

I want to do so many things with my remaining. So many plans. A great many sets of goals, but they all hinge on one thing. And that obstacle is proving a tad difficult to get around. Climbing the mountain, but, like Sisyphus, within a foot of the top, back down to the bottom I go. Well, maybe not the bottom, but down the slope a fair chunk. However, builds character as they say, and it hasn’t killed me yet, so I am still on the climb, still moving towards the summit, and I will continue to push on as hard as I can, for as long as I can. Just how I am wired. Of course, being with someone on the journey would be nice, as I mentioned a while ago, but, should that not happen, well, not a lot I can do about it, right? The more you want something, the less I think it is liable to happen, so, I endeavour to keep my thoughts off of the missing bits of my life, and on the ones that I can in some way control. Or attempt to control anyhow.

I think though, that today’s jottings and musings and rants are over, and that I will leave you to your evening.

Until next time,

Peace,