to realize, well, not really come to realize it, as i have known for a long, long time, that i am really not anything, in the grand scheme of things, special.

this is not the preamble to a ‘woe is me’ post, but one of self realization that i am not really anything.

sure, i’ve been nice to a few of you, helped out a few more, but at the end of the day, i am really and truly just me, and me alone at that.

yes, i know, i can hear the ‘well you don’t have to be’ proclamations already, but do i not, have to be? a resounding yes would be the response to that.

people like me, for what i have, or used to have, and not for me. and don’t argue with that. ask yourself, and be fucking honest, would you actually like, or be attracted to me, depending on what sex you are, if i didn’t give you money, or help, or what have you? NO would be the answer Alex. and not for 500$ either.

i am Claude Rains in reality. and not the Casablanca version, but the Invisible Man one.

i’m there but i am not.

huh.

another thing that i have come to have more pronounced in my makeup is that people, by and large, suck. we as a species are only out for the betterment of ourselves. admit it. Covid proved to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt that humanity needs a radical makeover. we. fucking. suck.

there are those of you who i have lost touch with. yes, i know, my choice, and to be honest, there are a few who are in my thoughts, while not on a daily basis, but more often than not. i hope you are all doing well, and that life is treating you as it should. you are all good people. i’m the one who is the shit in this equation. and not, ‘i’m the shit’ in a good way.

i miss my parents. more than perhaps i can admit. not sure how to grieve to be honest, but i am sure that in november, when i’m back in Florida, as it will be year since my Dad passed, i will find a way.

sitting in the lounge in Vancouver. love watching people. so many just grab whatever they can, first time flyers of the business class variety i would wager are most of them.

have to tell you though, everyone raves about this airport. fuck me. worse than Toronto. fucking security is a joke. just not a great experience. but, hey, it is travel, so life is life is. be on my way shortly, and to be honest, not sure i will ever be back, unless of course i am flying privately.

people who walk around talking into their phones, or with them stuck to their ears horizontally. i wonder if they know just how utterly fucking stupid they look, and just how fucking annoying they are.

something needs to change, in my life. i think that i know what it is, but, this, like with anything, is subjective, and subject to scrutiny, loss of sleep, and other such analytical tools.

but i do need to change. diet for one thing. fitness for another. personal life for a third. and the list goes on. LOL.

and, on that self critical or aware, take your pick, note, i will sign off, and wish you all the best of days and weeks ahead.

peace.