i want to wish my father a happy birthday. he would have been 90 years old today. Happy Birthday Dad, i hope that you have found peace wherever you are. i miss you, and i love you. always.

i made a decision yesterday, but in all honesty it was one that was coming for quite some time now, and one that was borne out of a need to save myself from myself.

i put into play something that will result, has started to result, in my isolation from those around me. i wish that i did not have to do this, but truth be told, i am not strong enough to alter the path that i was on, one that i had hoped would lead me back to the wilderness, so i cut myself off, for the most part, from those that count me as a friend, a loved one, or just someone that they like.

am i right in choosing to take these measures? as the wags like to say, only time will tell. however, you need to stand by your decisions, be they right or erroneous, so i stand by mine.

will there be those of you that are hurt? yes. that i can say unequivocally, there will be. am i happy with that outcome? no, again, unequivocally stated. do i wish that i could have done this without hurting those of you who matter to me? yes, i do.

i have hurt a great many people in my 62 plus years on this earth, and while i could say that since i’ve hurt so many, what’s a few more, it isn’t within me to be so cavalier about that sentiment. i truly wish that i could have done this without causing any more pain, however, what i have done is what i needed to do, for the sake of my own wellbeing, so do it i must, and i did.

i will state this for the record; i am not, in my own eyes, a good man. lousy husband. even lousier father. and probably an even lousier than lousy lover. but, we are all something better than we are in our own eyes, are we not? not so i, sayeth the author of this tome. not so i.

i know what i am. at least i think i did, or want to be. my life is a facade and it’s exhaustive quoth M. Mathers in walk on water. amen Em, amen.

will i return? to where those of you who think they like me or know me, or some such other perception of the person they laughed with, shopped with, had dinner and such with? i hope so. better, and more capable of putting aside those demons of self-doubt and building on what i know to be true. there is, inside me, inside all of us really, a good person, who knows how to get along in life, to be sociable and companionable, and based on that faith, and yes, i do have some level of faith folks, i believe in my heart of damaged hearts, that one day, i will come back.

until i see you again, and you grace me with your presence,

i bid you, as always,

peace.

sure what it is, but for some reason, my brain has been dredging up, no, not dredging, but creating the oddest of imagery and dreams of late.

perhaps it is the melatonin that i was recently cleared to take, or they are from past live(s) that i am most certain to have lived.

nonetheless my sleeping hours, and i use the word sleeping very loosely, have been filled with people and places and sounds and sights that i am sure never have been part of this somewhat odd existence to date.

huh.

there was a time, when my youngest sons’ mother and i were not on speaking terms. and then there was a time when we were. that in essence ended last summer when i had the audacity and temerity to push back on her about something to do with my private life.

and now, you know, i find, that like Bogart when speaking to Peter Lorre in Casablanca when posed with the question…’you despise me don’t you?’ with the response ‘if i gave you any thought i probably would.’

no, i don’t despise her. not in me to do so. not sure that i despise anyone really. well, no, that’s not entirely true. borderline despise my brother, and if i gave his wife, and my oldest sons’ mother, any thought, i would lean towards despising them too.

at any rate, i don’t despise her. she is the mother, and a good one i believe, to our son. not without her faults and shortsightedness, but a good mother on the face of it. but, i don’t really like her that much, and as for love, or any residual semblance of love that was there, no, that has long since eroded and been washed away with the tide.

am i in love now? well, what really, is love? some would say love is what remains when the lust is gone. but, was there lust? or just unbridled hormones at work. don’t know.

which brings me back to my sleep or lack thereof. great quote about not sleeping from, funny enough, a movie called ‘the big sleep’. “…and my sleep is so near waking that it’s hardly worth the name. I seem to exist largely on heat, like a newborn spider.” sums it up quite tidily, no?

Thomas de Quincey said that there is no such thing as forgetting. Freud wrote about dreams and their meanings. Jung the same. I wonder what they would postulate about the dreams that i am having and what their analyses would be. Probably commit me to Bedlam would be an option.

you would think, that after a lifetime, well, not a full lifetime as i am still on the right side of the grass, but after the period of time that i have been on this rapidly descending into madness lump of dirt, that i would have at least partially been able to figure out my brain. no, not so. it remains, as i think that it will remain until the end of my days, an enigma, a mystery, and something that i am probably best just to leave to its’ own devices. for the most part anyhow.

not sure what prompted this post today, other than a few messages from my ex- and my ambivalence towards them, and her. she is ugarte (lorre) and i am rick (bogart). huh.

in october of 1962, a few things happened. i was born for one, but other than that earth-shattering event that was a portent of things to come, and not all good, the USA was entering into a crisis that, if not solved, would have changed this world forever, and in ways that 9/11, Columbine, and others could not have. the cuban missile crisis is what i allude to.

in the movie, ‘thirteen days’, which was about this particular moment in time, president kennedy says that just for a second he wished that someone else was president. i’m sure that i have written about this before, but i will reiterate, sometimes, just for a second, i wish that i wasn’t me. i wish that i wasn’t the one that people constantly look to, to solve their problems, or fund their lives. i wish that i was so plain, that i disappeared into the woodwork. just for a second.

where to now St Peter, show me, which road i’m on.

until i see you again,

as always, i bid you,

peace.

sleep very well, and when i do, my horizontal times are usually fraught with odd and sometimes dissociative dreams. Probably need to change my life habits, LOL.

at any rate, during these downtimes, i often write posts in my head, usually forgetting them the minute i wake up. i suppose that i should keep pen and paper handy to jot down what is percolating around my at times disjointed and disgruntled grey matter, but hey, sometimes it is just fun to make stuff up and then get on with the next thing, you know?

an ending, of sorts, is about to happen, and i am ambivalent about my feelings towards it. on one hand, sadness will prevail, but on the other, a sense of self-preservation is taking hold, a sense that i have not had these many years, and that, i think dear reader, is a good thing.

i have made myriad mistakes over the last year, some of which snuck up on me, others that i ignored them whilst staring them in the face, and yet more that i let happen thinking the outcome would be different. fine line, i guess, between madness and genius. seem to have not crossed that line, but obliterated it at times.

need to rebuild. need to recoup. need to refresh, renew and regroup. grand re-re-re-re opening.. LOL.. Bob’s Burgers for reference. and my apologies for my digression.

i saw Swan Lake last night. first time at the ballet. the skill of those performers was truly incredible. wasn’t sure what the story was, but i enjoyed it nonetheless.

at any rate, on the subway home, yes, i do take public transportation, i saw a poem on the walls. our transit authority encourages people to submit writings, etc and i quite enjoyed this one.

it was called ‘Tomorrow, Always’

in going over it in my mind whilst not sleeping, i re-wrote it a bit. you see, tomorrow, is never tomorrow, it is always today.

so,

live today, like it will be your last

because today only becomes

yesterday

and is lost

live today giving

all you can

because yesterday can’t be brought back

tomorrow never comes,

it only becomes today

another day to live, or die, but

always today

i know that i left the tracks back there a while ago, about the original thought process behind this post, but that poem spoke to me, in a way.

anyhow, until i see you again, when you grace me with your presence and your patience,

i bid you, as always,

peace

Sleeping that well of late. Waking up with my heart racing, weird, incredibly convoluted dreams, and just basic slumber time pandemonium.

And to be honest, I’ve been feeling quite used up, and, truth be told, used.

Most of the latter I am sure could be directed at me as my own fault and doing, but some of it, and the former as well, just a general sense of me only being here to pay, or to give, or to whatever else it is that I am supposed to do.

Ennio Morricone ‘The Mission’ on now, for reference, and music that suits where my general mindset is residing at the current moment.

A beautiful evening here though, after a day of incredible snow yesterday. Flew in late, got stuck on the tarmac, couldn’t get off the plane due to someone not being able to affix the jetway to the plane, and then over an hour to get home through snow laden roads and general chaos. 2AM is not a time when I go to bed any longer, but it is a time when I am usually awake some nights. LOL.

At any rate, a long day yesterday and a day of general quietude around the old homestead.

But back to the feelings I have. Just a sense of not being me any longer. Of being emptied of what little soul I have left, and any shred of my being that was, at one time me. Not that I was any great shakes, I must tell you, mostly an asshole for most of my life I think, and some exes would hasten to agree to, but I am losing me. Or I’ve lost me and just am too stupid to know it. Either way, I am disappearing into the ether of just being a shell.

And I really am at a loss as how to reverse this process without hurting others along the way. Some would say that I should just do what I need to do to preserve what is left of me, whoever that me is, while others would implore me to be kind and to consider their feelings. I don’t know, I just don’t know.

What I do know is this; I am fading away. And that troubles me. At least I think it does.

Stay tuned, as this part of my journey could get messy but make for interesting and insightful reading.

Until I see you again,

As always, I bid you,

Peace.

passed away in 2023 and my Dad just over a year ago. written about a few times on these pages i know, and thank you for reading them and being here.

at any rate, their picture, of them both, in their 80’s actually, is sitting on my piano, just off to the right as i look at the keyboard. so every time i sit and play, which isn’t every day, but it isn’t infrequent though, i see them looking at me.

tonight though, sitting and playing a mish mash of notes, most of them just flowing from my fingers, but some a song called Angel from Montgomery, and Walk on Water, it being a song by Eminem.

my parents, weren’t by birth my parents, but they were the only ones i knew, so, i consider myself theirs fully, if that makes sense. anyhow, they weren’t genetically linked to me, and they didn’t give me any inherent skills or talents, those, i assume came from a higher power, but, i will say this, i thank them, every. single. time. i play. be it the piano or the guitar and while the strings aren’t my forte, i can still make music, you know?

anyhow, i do thank them, for what they gave me, even though, like the song goes, i didn’t really ever live up to their expectations. perhaps in the later years, when i was going to Florida to take care of them, but for so many years, i just wasn’t good enough, you know?

do i feel that way now? i do, at times. that i am just not good enough. fatal flaw? perhaps. insecurity? maybe, although i don’t think so.

more so i would attribute it to the fact that when i was younger i truly was just never good enough. product of my environment, right? call someone stupid long enough and they believe it.

i am complicated i guess, but only to those who see me as something that i am not. i’m not Superman. I’m not Tony Stark, well, ok, I am, but that’s another story…LOL

at any rate, my parents gave me what they believed they wanted for me, whether or not i was willing to accept it or not, and trust me, i was neither willing, nor accepting. 🙂

but, now, i give joy to others, maybe, through my abilities and my talents, such as they are.

thank you Mom and Dad, for everything.

i miss you.

with love, always,

your son,

Peace.

piano, well, not an acoustic piano, but a piano of sorts, electric, with wooden keys though, i will have you know, in my flat.

i took piano lessons when i was younger, 10 lifetimes ago, and didn’t really like them to be honest. never practiced, and yet, i did ok. maybe some talent there, who knows? passable at any rate as i once wrote, using a line i appropriated from a Jack Higgins character.

at any rate, there is at my disposal, an instrument of the keyboard variety, along with, i should mention, a 6 string acoustic guitar, and a 12 string of the same ilk.

i sit and play, all 3 usually, on a daily ish basis. no, not at the same time, although to be honest, that would be cool.

anyhow, sitting at the keyboard just now, thoughts came popping up, that i thought apropos, so here i am, at a keyboard of a different set of spots, emptying the brain pan so to speak. i would like to add here, and apropos (love that word, don’t you?) of the moment, that a photo, framed no less, of my parents sits on the top cover, looking down on me as i play.

i don’t play for really anyone, don’t know that many people to be honest, well, none that have gained entry into my abode, but for a few i have tinkled the ivories, so to speak.

one such person, a pretty special person to be quite frank, i’ve played for, a few times. she, yes she, thinks i am quite talented. deflecting compliments as i do, i mutter thanks, and change the subject.

anyhow, tonight, playing of all things Let it Be, by the world’s greatest band, the Beatles, and my passions taking over, (along with my left foot. long story, remind me sometime) and thinking of this person, and of course my parents, i realized just how incredibly blessed i am, and how, even after a life of mistake upon mistake upon incredibly dumb mistake, i have a person in my life, whom i love, and, i know, loves me. and that i was given the gift of parents that gave a shit, and only wanted their son to have something in his life that he could find pleasure in.

i’m lucky. no other way to describe it.

thank you, Mom and Dad, for everything. i didn’t deserve most of it, but you saw something, and kept believing in me.

and thank you, love of my life, for being you. and for allowing me to be part of us. together. always.

i love you.

as always, i bid you,

peace.

another day as it happens. but in the part of the world that i currently reside, it is Christmas. December 25th. huh.

last evening, whilst going through my yearly dose of the shows dealing with this time of year, and from my alleged childhood, it struck me, during the Charlie Brown special, and listening to Linus’ monologue about this time of year, that while i am not particularly religious, the words, which i put here for your reading enjoyment, hold some salient truths to how the world should be, and not just at this time of year.

“I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn’t have picked this
little tree,” said Charlie Brown. “Everything I do turns into
a disaster. I guess I don’t really know what Christmas is
all about. Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas
is all about?”

“Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about,”
said Linus. [Linus walks to center stage.]

“Lights, please.”

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding
in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them,
and the glory of the Lord shone round about them:
and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold,
I bring you good tidings of great joy,
which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour,
which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe
wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the
heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace,
good will toward men.

Taken from the book of Luke.

Now, 25 December is NOT when Christ was born, and to be fair Christianity was created by Constantine in the 300’s, but the sentiment remains. WE need more good will towards humans. WE don’t need hatred, and misogyny. WE don’t need some tangerine faced moron spewing his dementia laden diatribes.

We need peace. And tolerance. We need to be human again.

Happy holidays everyone.

Peace.

have it all figured out as to why i choose? tend? to be alone during this time of year. yes, ok, i deplore the commercialism, and the, give me give me atmosphere of it all, but, sitting here, alone, it came to me.

it is the sense of karma that the world has, and it’s paying me back for not wanting to be social, or holly jolly at this time of year, for so, so, so many years in the past.

my mom, bless her and may she rest in peace, (or as peaceful as it can get with my Dad around, LOL) loved this time of year. i mean, she would actually come in and wake us up to go down and get into our stockings for pete’s sake. (not sure who Pete is, but i thank him for the use).

My Dad was the same, at least i think he was. and, to be fair, i probably was at one point in my childhood. well, i’ve been told i had a childhood, although evidence of that is now fairly scarce and suppressed for the most part.

no, i am alone because it’s payback. LOL. i have offers every year to spend the day with others, and i politely decline or make up an excuse to not be in the presence of others. i traipse off to other countries, or just plain old shut off for a few days. misanthropic of me, no?

but now, well, next year at any rate, that might change. no, it will change. the kitchen will be redolent with the scents of a seasonal repast, the air will be filled with the sounds of Christmas music coming from the old Victrola, and love, and closeness, and peace, will be all around.

no, my heart didn’t grow three sizes, and i haven’t been visited by the three ghosts, but my life has changed, and the journey that i embarked on, lo these many years ago, will no longer be a solitary one.

warmest wishes to you, and everyone you care about, and again, i hope you are all healthy, and safe, and not in any areas of conflict.

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.

posting today.

i find myself, and for me, oddly enough, at peace. or, well, as at peace as one can be when you are me. LOL.

but truly, all kidding aside, i am, i find, at peace.

why you ask? well folks, it’s like this; i do believe that at long last i am finding myself, complete.

i know, it’s Ripley’s, but truly and verily i say unto you, i am at peace and finally whole.

makes me sound like a basket case does it not? no, far from it, but hey, we all have baggage do we not? and i do, sure, but my baggage is that which can be dealt with, without the drama or tears.

no folks, this completion i speak of is real. it is present. it is without a doubt what i sought but wasn’t seeking. that made sense in my head i swear.

at any rate, Trans Siberian in the background, the music not the train, i sit here, sunny day among us, happy, quietly calm, which well, for me… LOL…

so, thus starts perhaps a new(er) me before the dreaded January 1st blah blah blah.

thank you, everyone, for being here on my journey, it is appreciated. just now the journey isn’t just me.

as always, i bid you,

peace.

the shortest day of the year, or so they say. and, as mentioned smack dab in the midst of the longest, most excruciating, and for some, the most expensive month of the year.

a clear, sunny, but very cold day here as i sit and write this nonsense. and from my seat in the window of my comfy flat, i have really nothing at hand to write about. sort of odd for me, and yet, quite welcome to be honest.

my flat is still sort of a disaster, as it will be until such time that i move to a house. but i am, strangely enough ok with that. no, i’m not going to stop cleaning or those domestic chores that people either love or loathe, but i’m good with where i am right now. huh.

my thoughts at times turn to those that i have left behind and i truly hope that they are ok. i was a shit, and i allowed a situation that i knew i could win, but refused to sully myself with dictate and put in play my default defense mechanism. that is, to shut off, and walk away. something that i have perfected over the years, to my detriment to be sure, and to the hurt of others. would that i could, as written previously, i would turn back time as the song goes, and rework some of those times.

however, life, as they say, goes on, and we must go on with it.

how are you guys doing? are you all having a good season so far? excited for the time away from whatever it is that you do on a daily basis if on a daily basis you do stuff? i marvel at that sometimes. that people think that days off during this season are a break. really? how? i am willing to bet that you work harder during this time than any other time. in the sense of cooking, meeting people, shopping and all the other activities that happen during the ‘festive’ season.

at any rate, i hope you all are doing well, and that everyone around you is safe, healthy and happy.

do you watch christmas shows? movies? admittedly i do. not a lot, but i do have some that i will watch. and yes, Die Hard and Lethal Weapon ARE Christmas movies. LOL. 🙂

i refuse to watch though, ‘it’s a wonderful life’. god, what a dark and black movie. how on earth do people think that this is an uplifting cinematic offering timely for this season? it sucks! and it’s really, really not a good movie!

now, the aforementioned movies on the other hand, well, come on. Bruce? Mel? Alan Rickman? and how about the Nightmare before Christmas? Two holiday movies in one to be sure.

I personally eschew the typical movies, ‘Home Alone’ (ugh), Miracle on 34th Street, and other such tripe filled celluloid presentations, for the classics. Charlie Brown. The Grinch. THE REAL ONE! not the Jim Carrey live action crap. And of course ‘A Christmas Carol’. the 1951 black and white one with Alistair Sim as Ebenezer S if you please. And that is it really. And as for the tonal offerings of the season, well, my listening list is quite small. Tarja. Trans Siberian (seeing them on the 30th, so excited) and Vince Guaraldi. That’s about it. Oh, and Stevie Nicks doing Silent Night.

Enough though of the insights into my festive psyche. Lord save us.

I really wish that iTunes volume control could be accessed via my computers sound mixer. Sort of a technological oversight i think. However, funny enough, due to the fact that i have bluetooth on my PC, i can actually airplay to my three external speakers residing in various areas of my flat. sort of like my own little surround sound system without, well, having a surround sound system. kinda neat from a techy geeky standpoint.

cold today, very cold actually. have to go out today. well, no, i don’t have to go out, but i will go out and do my rounds as it were and then home to the comfort of my flat where i can sit, ruminate, reflect… no, just kidding, i’m going to read and probably have a glass of wine, play the piano, and then go to bed. ruminate? really? well, ok, i do do that, but today isn’t the day for the ponderings of this and that, it is the day for, well, just the day.

i did though, yesterday, actually have a shower.. two as a matter of fact and shaved the grizzly adams off my face. was getting pretty Ted K there for a bit.

well, not really Ted K because i haven’t sent any letter bombs or written a kill technology manifesto, but speaking of the facial hair, being facially hirsute so to speak.

what else is going on? myriad subjects to comment on i know, but seeing as i how i have forgone the reading of my news feeds, i find myself devoid of the headlines or meatier news offerings to make light of, deride or just plain ask WTF???

and yes, i have not opened the NYT, BBC, CNN, not even AP or Reuters since that fucking asshole got elected. and oh sure, i’ve seen a few things that i could probably jump into, but no, refraining until he is either out of office or dead, whichever, hopefully the latter, comes first.

the trouble though, with the demise of tangerine hair fuckhead, is that there are so many others like him to follow in his dementia laden footsteps that you really would have to find a way to sequester all of them, and just pack them all off to some remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. that, or a gulag in Siberia.

anyhow, enough of that, and on to other things. what they will be, i have not a clue, all i know is that i need to go get a few things for the larder and perhaps start another set of cookie dough batches. making french onion soup though, on Sunday? Monday? for a few friends as part of a 3 or 4 course dinner. yeah, i know, that’s a nice thing to do. and as i mentioned to a friend just today as it happens, the nice side of me comes out now and again. only fair i guess seeing as how the less than nice is so present for most of the year. and yes, i know, you are going to say ‘see? it’s the season for being nice’. no. sorry. i’ve actually had these people over before, and i thought it high time to do it again, as i actually do enjoy being in the kitchen, and apparently they like my food. got nothing to do with ‘christmas’. are you nuts??

i need to fold clothes and put them away today, or tomorrow. because, well, i have foldy type clothes now. lord save us.

and on that note, i again, wish you and yours a safe and happy holiday season, and that no one you care about is in an area of conflict.

also, as always, i bid you,

peace.