me, and more me

i’ve been a…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

little off lately.

stressed i think people call it, although i wouldn’t. just. off.

been losing weight, on purpose, and today when i got up, i was actually under my target, so a bright spot in a rather dim-ish few weeks.

been waiting on several items in my world to actually come to fruition, and have encountered the usual bullshit and delays. hate having to rely on others. yeah, i know; people are going to say, well we rely on you to pay for us, and take care of us, and give us money so we can be stress free. yes, i get it, but with those others, it’s a ‘i’m too fucking lazy to help myself so someone else has to’ mentality. with me, it’s i need to get things going so that i can take care of what i want to do.

i am not one for lists. at. all. oh sure, i make a grocery list now and again, but never take it to the store with me. however, i do cross things off when i get home. or add as the case may be.

but lists? like a bucket list? that gives credence to the fact that i am going to die. yeah, no. not dying. so why make a bucket list?

at any rate, i do have 3 lists. not telling you what’s on them, so don’t ask. suffice it to say, that one of them involves not being available to anyone at all anymore to field requests for money. been there. done that. NOT doing it again. not following the white rabbit Morpheus. Sorry. (matrix for reference)

anyhow, these things i am waiting on. hate waiting on 3rd parties. no sense of urgency in them.

one of them, a business partner that i talk with, every day for the most part, we both want this deal done, but an agreement comes in, and he gets to it when he gets to it. WTF?? that i don’t understand.

sigh.

as for the others. well, steps are being taken to address some of those, but again, 3rd party bullshit.

how are you guys doing? all ok in your world? healthy? happy? dealing with life as it comes?

i have been off though. things on my brain, including funny enough, this little pre-cancer thing on the top of my head. literally, on my brain.

the weight loss though. that’s a good thing. i’ve not had any back issues, and i think i am happier, if that word can be applied to someone such as myself. happy and i, as an old no longer in touch friend said, does not belong in the same sentence as he and i. LOL. true that BC, true that.

thing about dropping this much weight though, clothes don’t fit anymore, not really. so, buy new ones, or hope that the tailor can take them in enough to make sense. went from a 56 to a tight 52 in one pant, which is pretty good. went from a 62/60 down to a 54/56 in another jacket, and XXXL down to XL in one t-shirt. so, loss is evident apparently. 🙂

all good things though, so not complaining.

lots of other things to bitch about LOL

anyhow, have to get on with the day. so, i will leave you to yours.

as always, i wish you nothing but the best, and hope you and yours are healthy and happy and not in any areas of conflict.

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.

i needed to…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

start this, but it may go unfinished. or at least not written to the point where an ending makes any sense. forgive me in advance for that…

a movie, ‘Genius’. about a man named Thomas Wolfe. No, i have not read him, and i have been remiss in not doing so. No, i have not finished watching the movie, barely a scant 5 minutes or so into it, but the necessity to write grabbed hold of me so forcefully that hitting pause and coming here, to this medium, to you, seemed the only logical course of action. especially since the one quote that i read from this author,  “If a man has a talent and cannot use it, he has failed. If he has a talent and uses only half of it, he has partly failed. If he has talent and learns somehow to use the whole of it, he has gloriously succeeded” amongst other words of incredible wisdom, some of which i will elucidate later in this tome. at least, i hope to at any rate.

if a man has talent. coming from the late 20’s, the 1920’s that is, one could be forgiven for not saying ‘person’ or ‘human’, but i am a proponent of being historically correct even if i am not by and large 21st century ‘woke’ (whatever the hell that is, stupid republican fucking moron’s term) by any meaning of the word.

i had, have, talent. this i know. realization, FULL realization of which came so late in life so as to largely preclude any capitalization of said alleged talent.

have i used this talent. reading the aforementioned a resounding NO would be the answer Alex, so, by Thomas W’s estimation, i have indeed, failed.

the question remains however, if i have used any of it. even a portion of it to elevate my status as an abject failure to perhaps a partial one, or an almost not one, but not quite a success.

how does one rate themselves as failure or success. a jury of their peers? by their circle (in my case, a dot) of friends? by their family? i would argue that this is all purely subjective, but the quandary remains, have i failed. have i utilized those gifts god given or otherwise, to the best of my abilities, therefore making me, at least partially, not a failure.

Mr Wolfe also wrote this “I don’t know yet what I am capable of doing, but, by God, I have genius — I know it too well to blush behind it. ” I know I am TW, but i do not sound the trumpet, because as you also wrote, “Make your mistakes, take your chances, look silly, but keep on going. Don’t freeze up.”, i have made myriad mistakes. I have taken chances, i have looked, and been made to look, silly, i have frozen up, but Dear T Wolfe, i have kept going.

Does that now alleviate some of my failure? I would argue that yes, perhaps i have risen to a higher, not lower, level of the circles that fair Dante created. But as my summer turns to fall, the fuel in my balloon grows less and less, and my time to show that i am not perhaps, a complete failure grows dimmer with the passing years.

Mr Wolfe also coined the term ‘you can’t go home again’. Those words were part of a longer paragraph, but in essence, no, you cannot. The Velveeta doesn’t taste the same as it did when you were a kid. The Big Macs are smaller, and no longer 35 cents, the loaf of bread is smaller and costs a lot more, and your childhood home is now a convenience store. You can’t go home Oatman, but I guess you can shop there. (Grosse Pointe Blank for reference)

As i stated when i started, i knew i had to begin this, but wasn’t sure i could finish it in any start at the beginning end at the end sort of fashion, however, start it i did, and finish it, well, after a fashion.

Look at your lives with the clarity of the ancient oracles. Take into account who you have helped, and whose lives you have provided some positive impact on, and always even though missteps and miscues are made, look silly, but use your talents and rise up above the idea that you have failed.

Life is, life is, as i have originally coined as a phrase, just keep on going with it, as it goes on with or without your approval.

As always dear reader, I bid you,

Peace.

today…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

is a day, that should be joyous, and it is, to a point, it also should be monumentus (sort of a combined word, but a good one as it happens) as well.

14 years ago, no, i correct myself, almost 16 years ago i was wed to the mother of my youngest son. who, by the by has chosen not to communicate with me (cynically i would wager, until he wants something), and just over 11 years ago we were torn asunder by factors that shall remain sealed. at any rate, we are, were, splitsville to use a bit of movie/tv jargon.

divorced according to the powers that be in the country of of wedding, but not accepted, as it turns out, by the country of her birth, and current (i think) residence.

so, i was put upon to ‘figure it all out’ as it were.

in typical me fashion, i did. applied for a divorce in the country/city where i currently have an abode, although i haven’t been there for ages, and went through the pains of applying online, having things rejected, applying again, etc., etc.

they, the gov’t, courts, what have you, want you to do things online, yet, they make it nigh on impossible to do so. and of course, you have to pay every time you file, or re-file. bullshit i say, but that is a rant for another time perhaps.

at any rate, 31 days ago today, the ‘order’ came through to my email. stipulating that neither party, blah, blah, blah, can’t wed for 31 days.

31 days is today.

what does this mean you ask? well, not a lot, at least it doesn’t to me. my life with her was gone eons ago, so there isn’t any real heartbreak involved here.

however, it does now mean that she can get her shit together, and finally pay me back the large sum of money she owes me. whether that will happen, remains to be seen, but karma is a funny thing, so, here’s hoping.

anyhow, thought i would jot the note down, and pass it along.

hope you are all well,

i bid you, as always,

peace.

just a few…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

things on my mind.

not sure where to begin as it happens. would like to say that i could start at the start, and give a resounding middle, and end with a flourish, however the quandary is, at what point in the narrative of what is on my mind, do i start, and where exactly is the finish line?

interesting to me, when people around me start to whine and complain about whatever it is they are whining and complaining about. the weather is chief amongst the issues at times. wow. yes, it’s 30 degrees C where you are.. but in places in Iraq and regions, the temps were over 50 the other day, and in Al Haif today, (Iraq) it is 47. So, 30 is, what, hot? Drink more water, or stay inside.

I hear all the time how stressed people are. About this thing or that thing. People have friends, family, a support network, yet they look to me to solve their fucking problems. And yet, well, just and yet…

I hate waiting. I’ve been waiting since February for one aspect of a project to begin, and it is down to the last week now, so it’s been an arduous process. One that has been filled with bullshit, outright prevarication, vague words, and more outright bullshit. However, down to the short strokes now, so once that is done, a number of other things are able to be unleashed. 38 week plan for one of them. That I am looking forward to. Of course, at the end of it, comes a 52 week jaunt, but that one will be easy.

Where to now St Peter…

It is interesting to me, how, when life is stressing folks out, all they can see are their own petty little issues. Well, I say petty because that’s all I hear from those that message me. Small, shitty little things. Like a fucking phone bill, or rent, whatever. Fuck me. You could be in Yemen, or the Ukraine, or Texas, and facing not only life changing, but life ending situations, and you complain that your phone isn’t working? Fuck off.

A fucking phone. Phones, smart ones at any rate, should be fucking banned. Let’s go back to dial up… LOL

People love to tell me what to do. Or how to do. I find it funny. Fuck off. Attend to your own lives, and leave mine alone. Oh wait, you can’t. I have to pay for your life, so mine isn’t worth anything.

Huh.

Surprised a former colleague with a gift the other day. Nothing big. Just a bag of wine gums, but it created a smile. So that was nice. Door was opened for a renewal of dialogue. Not walking through it though.

Closed ( I hope fervently) another door yesterday. That one though, was more of a swinging, or revolving door with no way of latching it, so hopefully the latch that was installed takes, and I can relegate that door to the hallway of past bad memories. One can only hope, can’t one?

Still on my weight loss journey. A blip here and there, but back on the down elevator, so to speak, so let us see what this week brings. I know where I want to be, so that’s where I am heading. Well, past where I want to be as it happens, but first I need to get to where I want, then go past it. If that makes sense.

Why do people feel it is imperative to ‘post’ things on whatever social idiocy account they have? Sometimes multiple accounts? What drives that madness? Why are we so hell bent on telling the world about our daily lives? Are we that insecure that we have to get validation constantly?

I for one, have no social media, as I think it is a cancer on society, and the only real outlet I have is here, and no one reads this anyhow. Well, not no one, some do, but the list is very small. Mainly I post here just to get stuff out of my head to make room for the myriad other bits and bobs messing about in my brain.

Plus, I like writing. In the past, I did have blog sites that were read, by many as it happens, but now, as mentioned, I just do it for me.

At any rate, I need to keep on with my day, so for the nonce I will love you and leave you.

As always, I wish for you to be healthy and happy, and not in any conflict areas,

And, as always,

I bid you,

Peace.

recently i read…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

a post by this person, who has a site called red’s wrap. neat site, and i very much enjoyed poking around her posts.

at any rate, the post was titled ‘what bothers me most’…

huh.

myriad things bother me, and i am hard pressed to put a ‘bothers most’ label to any of them, however, i will endeavour, for the sake of the exercise to see what i can do. 🙂

one thing that does bother me, a lot to be honest is this;

getting asked for money, to pay this or that, or someone else’s this or that and not even the asker’s this or that, and then having communication disappear once the funds have been sent. mea maxima culpa for even entertaining the idea of sending anything in the first place, however, deed was done, and now, radio silence.

this is not the first time, but i daresay it is the last.

getting hinted at messages. you know the ones… ‘ oh i’m so stressed, not sure how things can work out, i have bills to pay….’ not an ask per se, but it is there if you look between the lines.

but the send then nothing thing irritates me. really, really.

anyhow, life is life is, and i am moving on.

weather headaches the last couple of days. pressure changes mess with my sinuses. not a lot i can do, but weather (no pun intended) them, and let them drift away on their own.

still away, but the end to the absence is coming closer, and i for one could not be happier. i miss my home, and my life, such as it was/is, and once back, i know that things will have changed, and will have to change, so that is a good thing.

i’ve been re-evaluating my thought processes on several things/fronts of late, and i know now, at least i think i know now, where i am going to be in about 38-40 weeks. and that is a good thing as it happens.

a lot of ‘disturbances’ from the past will be eradicated, and the ones that i let back in, will only be there if they are of benefit to me, not the other way around. it’s only taken me 62 years to get to that point, so there is hope for me yet i suppose. LOL.

one part though, one of the past pieces of my life, i just can’t figure out as of yet. people, some, say this this should be in my life, whilst others say that i don’t need this aspect of my life to continue. what to do yanni, what to do.

at any rate, i will do what i do, and make sure that what i am doing is only going to enrich and improve my life on an ongoing basis. have to look out for me, you know? as no one else will.

until i see you again,

i bid you, as always,

peace.

just, well, just…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

not a voice note today, as i am not feeling it, and besides, i actually prefer writing at times, most of the times.

in my limited spare time, when not reading work docs or trying to read a book, i admit that i poke around Youtube. yeah, i know, fucking Youtube.. I give my son grief over it, and, to be honest, rightly so as he spends an inordinate amount of time on that platform.

at any rate, Rick Beato is a musician, and really, one of the best interviewers that i have come across. as one commenter put it, he asks a question, then gets out of the way…

one of the posts i guess you call it, was with Adam Duritz, he of Counting Crows fame. it was an amazing interview, in depth, open, honest, and Adam laid bare a lot of his own self when it came to his songs, his own struggles with fame, etc.. and it was also a time to explore the background of some of their/his, songs.

you will, or should, know many of them. Mr Jones. Round Here, Anna Begins, A Long December, etc..

one though, that didn’t come up, and in all honesty, at just over 1 minute and change, why would it, was the song ‘Walkaways’.

i love this song, and it speaks to how i am truly feeling now, and have been feeling for a long time, and have struggled with. yes folks, i struggle. one of the reasons why i continue to sporadically post to this blog even though i know it reaches few, and is ignored by many. LOL.

anyhow, the lyrics i present here for you. look up the song, and the band, well worth your time.

as always,

i bid you,

peace.

I’ve gotta rush away
She said, I’ve been to Boston before
And anyway, this change I’ve been feeling
Doesn’t make the rain fall
No big differences these days
Just the same old walkaways

Someday, I’m gonna stay
But not today