Almost six years ago, no, well, yes, almost 6 years ago, a change happened in my life. I left a country, in a region that was my home for the better part of 20 years and came back to a country that I had eschewed for the same period of time.

When I left, I felt nothing. Literally. I was totally bereft of emotion taxiing down the runway to come back to where I currently reside. The country I mean, not the town.

I did not grieve then, nor have I really grieved since. Yes, I have had moments of sadness and regret, but I truly, with all my heart say to you, I have not fully expunged all of the emotions that I know were buried the moment I got on the plane.

Why you ask? Good question that. In all honesty, I am not sure. Afraid of utter collapse maybe? Terrified that if I start, stopping may be an issue? Perhaps I really just am a cold-hearted son of a bitch and I can’t let myself feel anything resembling weakness.

Whatever the case, I haven’t let go. Oh, I have let go, but I haven’t let go if that makes sense. I am not there anymore, nor will I ever be, so that part of me has let go of that, something which I am sure my ex-wife has not done. However, that is another kettle of pumpkins and I shan’t digress into that mess here and now. Best left for another time.

At any rate, I have let go of the fact that while that region was, by and large quite good for me, not really good to me, but for me, I know that I will never grace its’ shores again. But no, what I haven’t let go of is the perhaps sadness, and the disappointment of having to leave in the first place. I left, yes, and yes, I was both saddened by my departure and disappointed with said event, but those were buried deep within this scarred psyche of mine, perhaps never to see the light of day again.

Am I scarred? I would like to think that I am not. Others would argue that I am a mess of scar tissue, but I would not concur. I would though, agree that yes I have been hurt, and continue to be so, but I think that mentally I am strong enough to slough off those pains and get on with doing what I do. However, I do it.

I have great moments, and some not so great, but on the whole I am pretty ok. What I will say though, and is sort of the idea why I came to this document today in the first place, that I am alone. I have thought about this, at times, in the past, but today, right before I started writing this, I really came to the full realization that I am, indeed, myself alone. And I would hazard a guess, that I will be alone for the rest of my natural existence. But that is ok with me. Well, no, it’s really not, however, there isn’t a lot that I can do about it, so, you see, acceptance is a huge part of this, and now, perhaps, I can find a little more peace than I have had in the past. Be nice wouldn’t it, to have some peace? It has most certainly be a long while since that has been part of my life, so it will be a welcome change, that is for sure.

Took my A/C out yesterday. Of course, today was hot, and so will tomorrow be. Oh well, not a big deal. After all, I did live in the desert you know!

Back to the alone bit. Pretty sure that I am ok with this. Of course, there is a part of me that would love to be in a relationship, I mean, who doesn’t want to be with someone and in love, right? But, my life, my current place on this crazy spinning lump of virus laden dirt, isn’t going to allow for that. Nor, I believe, will it allow for it in the future.

I could become twisted (more some wags might say) and lash out at happy couples, like you see in the movies, or I could become withdrawn (again, or more) and just not deal with anyone at all. Become a recluse, refusing to interact with the outside world. I don’t think either of those courses are for me to be honest, so I think that I will just continue down my path, do what I do, and see where the river takes me.

Now, a great deal of this aloneness that can be attributed to my life, really is self inflicted. I freely admit that, and will not point fingers at anyone in blame. This, for the most part, is my doing. I have always, for the most part anyhow, gone to my own beat, to my detriment at times, which I have remarked on in the past, but, I think, I am doing ok. As ok as you can be, without expecting too much out of it. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, music on the victrola, a decent relationship with my father at long last, and well, I have myself. Seems that I have always had myself, although at times, I tended to ignore that fact.

Yes, I do have some people that perhaps could fill that void, sure, but, at the end of the day, my living quarters, my lack of mobility, and my dearth of excess funds, somewhat precludes me from pursuing any of those options too rigorously.

Cinema Paradiso on right now. The Chris Botti version. I could listen to this guy play all night.

Back to the topic at hand. Yes, there are options, I mean, come on, this is me, right? Always options. But the question is how seriously do I consider them. And the one option, that I know I made a monstrous mistake with, I don’t think could ever be a revisited option again. I am sure that the niggling doubt would be there, you know? And I have way too much respect and admiration for that person to do that to her. I do miss her though. She brought much joy to my life, and clarity, and thought provoking conversations, and I will be forever in her debt.

I am of the mind though, that perhaps why I am so accepting of being alone, and partially withdrawn, is that, of late, I have put myself, my emotions if you will, out there in the open, and have had them taken for granted, along with my generous nature. So call it what you want, but I am tired of that. It is my fault, I will admit, that I let this happen, but I need to walk those instincts back a bit, and I apologise for the buzzwordy term in there. But I do, need to step back from those urges inside of me that push me to open up, and help, and let people lean on me. Especially seeing as how I really have no one, to speak of around me, to lean on when I need a shoulder.

I think that it is because I project this air of self reliance, and strength, that people tend to not believe that I could use an ear now and again. I do, don’t admit it often, but I do. However, me and the four walls, you know? LOL.

At any rate, there you have it folks. My reasons why I cannot, or have not, let myself grieve. Perhaps one day, the flood-gates will open and I will be released. Until then,

Peace.

What are you looking for? What it is that you seek? Do you know? Do you care even? I am sure you do know, and that you do care. As for me, I am not sure of either to be honest. I think I know what I am looking for and realize that I most likely not smart enough to know if I even have found it. Perhaps I have. Maybe I did. Quite possible that this is true, and if indeed it is, be willing to bet that I screwed it up somehow.

As I just wrote to someone, I miss me. And I am sure that one day, hopefully, I will meet myself on this road that I am travelling, going the other way, and we shall make amends, and the sun will shine once again. Perhaps.

I wish that I knew what it was that I seek. I truly do. Make life so much easier, you know? However, life being easy has not been my trademark, so perhaps this is how it is to be, and has always been meant to be.

How is it that you are wired? Can one change ones wiring? Therapy? Does that work? Cannot say unequivocally that I am a proponent of that route. Not sure that a person sitting with a notepad, ostensibly not in judgement, but hey, let’s not kid ourselves, they are judging you, can make you change your way of thinking. Events in your life? Can they do this? Perhaps, and I am sure that people have had seriously life-altering points in their lives, as I am sure that I have had too, but have I changed? In some ways, yes, I really have. I see life through vastly different eyes these days, however, has my core wiring changed? Not sure. Don’t think so. What I do think is that the wiring was always there, already in place, and with time, and growth, and experiences, the circuits just became more solidified and in place. That is my entirely non-expert opinion of course, albeit a fairly accurate one I would hazard a guess.

Would I take back things that I have done? Lord yes. So many people have been hurt, and had their life paths altered because of me. And for the life of me, and on my mother’s eyes, I would take the hurt away if I could. But, I can’t. How can you take back what is already done? All I can do is apologise, make amends the best way I can, and deal, adapt, move on. And pray that in the future, I don’t repeat the past. What else can you do, right?

At any rate, back to the topic at hand. What is it, really, that I am looking for. In short? Someone who loves me for me. All that I entail. And all that I am, and dream about, and want for myself, and my partner. The long version? Well, that is just what I don’t know. Who is she? I alluded to this a few years ago in high level terms, but right now, while those thoughts are still valid, and very much on the table, I think that the person I seek is more than that. And am I seeking a partner really? Is that it? Maybe I am just seeking some sort of inner peace. A peace that I have not had since my time in the Middle East. And that dear reader, is it in a nutshell. While I have gone on record as saying that I don’t really miss that region that much, especially Dubai, I cannot say here and now, that I don’t really miss it. I do. I miss so many things about that part of the world. I grew up there, as I have written previously. My life was enriched by the people I met, the experiences I had, both good, great, bad and horrific. They all are part of me and who I am today. But, I wax maudlin, so let us get back to where we were a few hundred words ago. On the path of the seeker, and endeavouring to figure out what it is just that is being sought.

Anyhow, time for a cuppa, so will sign off for the nonce, and re-visit this mini-opus on the morrow.

Peace.