Author: Bob, Just Bob.

memories are funny…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

I’ve been away for a while. Well, not away per se, just avoiding life in general. Coupled with a genuine aversion to people, so away seems apropos to describe my abscence.

Memories are fallible. Well, most memories are. Mine, while still prone to the odd hiccup, is less apt to miss things than others that I could mention.

We all see life in the light that sheds the most brightness on ourselves, do we not? Of course we do. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t, but that leads me to the topic at hand.

Memories.

Wasn’t so long ago that I was admonished for thinking (quite in error I might add this presumption) that I was getting ‘too attached’ were the words, to my ex- on one of the trips that I made to see my son.

‘We aren’t getting back together you know’. ‘Do you know why we aren’t together? You aren’t reliable’ and so on and so forth as my father was fond of saying.

And yet, when my fortunes turned, so to speak, all of a sudden, ‘well, you should send me 1/2 a million dollars so that I can buy a new flat. You do want a roof over your sons head, don’t you?

Huh.

A roof over my sons head. He has one. One that I help pay for, along with the over 10K a year for his private school.

Not reliable. Too attached. But hey, when it comes to handing over hundreds of thousands of dollars to them, all well and good, right?

And as it happens, I am not attached to her. Even if she was 21 and a centerfold I would not be attached to that again.

She is the mother of our son, and full marks and credit to her, she has done an amazing job of it. But her memory has more holes than my Microplane zesting tool. Now all of a sudden, I can’t date, although according to her she has had ‘vast sexual encounters’ and uses Tinder on a regular basis.

I guess what is good for the goose, isn’t good for the gander? I’m old, ergo not supposed to be thinking about not being alone, I should just pay the fucking bills and fund their ‘new roof over my sons head’.

We want to come to Canada says they. Great says I. And we want to go to New York says they, so that my son can see the Apple store (Huh thinks I) and I can see the Guggenheim. Ok says I, who is paying for that? You are of course says they. I see.

Not allowed to not be alone, but I have to fund the rest of their lives.

If I thought for a minute, a second, that I wouldn’t harm my child, I would fucking walk away from this and let them stew in their own juice.

And people wonder why, or have wondered why, I get pissy about money.

Not reliable. Wow.

Have a great day all.

one last thing…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

before i go.

wish you all the best, every last one of you.

i am officially done. there will be no more.

given all that i can, and can no more give.

My most profuse apologies to my homeland and loved ones.
John Balook is dead. He fell on his head. But perhaps John
Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.

peace.

I have started…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / 1 Comment

And abandoned several posts lately, great thoughts at the beginning, and then the steam left me, or the day happened. Whatever the case, they are still sitting there, but today, well, this one will be finished because I think it will be short.

Lying in bed last night, I was going over, again, the reasons behind my seemingly abrupt departure, and concluded that we all want something in life, right?

Well, it occurred to me that what I thought I wanted, isn’t really what I needed, or need, or will require in the future.

So, what is it that I want? No really, can someone enlighten me? Because right now, I haven’t the first foggiest idea of what it is. And this comes from a person who is usually pretty good at being able to negotiate the highways and byways of life. Mostly at any rate.

What I thought I wanted turned out to be not what was needed, and what I thought I needed, turned out to be not what I wanted.

Confusion in my world reigns supreme.

I got an email today from someone that I left behind. Of all the people that I did do this injustice to, she is one of two that I most sincerely, and will forever regret. Life isn’t fair, and at times it downright sucks.

Do I though, have regrets over my leaving my life behind? Yeah, I do. Happy? I admit that I have regrets.

Some regrets you cannot avoid have happen to you, but this one, this was self manufactured, and like when I first walked into the airport when leaving for Bahrain; if I had looked back, I wouldn’t have gone.

I, in my own weird and let’s face it, fucked up brain and damaged psyche, had to do this. The final solution will never be on the table because in my opinion, it is the grossest act of selfishness that can be perpetrated.

However, a solution had to be found, and this one was the best that I could come up with.

Yes, some of you, all of you? Who knows. Got hurt. Or did you? I don’t know. But I will again apologize for it and mean it with all of my heart.

Whither thou goest, oh man of many faults? What road will you travel on, on your quest to find that which you have no idea what you are seeking.

Not sure Bob, really not sure. Sometimes though, as Mick J croons, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. Amen Mick my son, Amen.

Peace.

Listen to me…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / 1 Comment

All of you.

Please.

The rumours of my demise are greatly exaggerated. I’m not dead. Really? I’m sure that there is a list of those folks that would wish that, and it has been tried before, but no, still on the right side of the grass. For what that’s worth at any rate.

Do you really want to know why I left? Besides the glaringly obvious I mean? I left not because I am running away from things, although some of you are sure to assume that. And I am not running towards something that I don’t know what it is. Again, assumptions I’m sure abound.

I left because I am sick and tired of being me. And I am thoroughly disgusted by my brother and his wife who I am sure will have a special place in hell assigned to them when once that happens.

That’s why I left. I no longer want to be associated, in contact, or any other way connected with someone who bears MY family name, and I had it first you fucker. ME! 😊

And really? You thought I was dead? Yeah, ok. If that happened, I would probably end up at a card table selling tickets to the Preacher’s Wife (old Whitney movie) or tourist guides to the Dante exhibition. So no, not dead.

Am I where you think I am? No, most likely not. I’m where I think I need to be, but not completely where I should be. If that makes sense, then someone explain it to me please.

There are those of you who, perhaps rightly so, think I ghosted you. For that, I sincerely and from the bottom of my size 10’s, apologise.

Some of you are collateral damage, lost to the vagaries of my ever-complicated brain. Again, for that, I sincerely, and without any reservations, beg your forgiveness.

Not sure that any of you will understand why I did this, save for perhaps one of you. That one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and whom I will dearly miss for the rest of my days.

They say, I know, the ubiquitous ‘they’ that, well, they say a lot of things. But the one thing that they say is that time heals all wounds. Personally, I think that is bullshit, but hey, what do I know? I just walked away from my life, so who am I to question ‘they’.

I wonder what AI will think of this one. LOL. Do you think that a machine will ever come up with, wow, are you ever fucked up. 😊 If so, well, I’m at the head of the line.

I’ve heard it bandied about the water cooler that I live in the past. Maybe. Force of habit I suppose after a great deal of my life spent being hammered by it. Hoping for tomorrow too. Yeah, no. Tomorrow never comes.

I do what I do folks, and I did what I did. Do I question you and what you are doing? No. I have no right to that. So? And ergo, shouldn’t the same be afforded me? Why are people questioning this? Or are they? Who knows? I most certainly don’t.

At the end of the day, and the end of my day comes earlier than yours, I left because I wanted to sever myself off from things, and people that were in my mind, detrimental to me and my journey. I cut off the head of the snake I hope. Just so happens that some of the other creatures in the forest were affected too. It wasn’t my intention to do so, just happened that way. Had to do it fully, that was the only way.

So, on I go with the way back to the wilderness. What I will find there remains a mystery to me, I just know that I won’t be getting requests for money anymore, or whatever.

I also know that I can be who I choose to be, and Bob looks good right now.

Be at peace everyone. Be good to yourselves and be good to those around you.

I am not important enough to be sad over. Trust me on this one. I am not.

And for those of you who think that I spend too much time in the past. 1919. Read it.

I leave you all to your days/evenings/nights.

The journey awaits.

Pax.

Here I am…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

Sitting at my desk, go figure, coffee cup at hand, some slow blues emanating from my speakers, and all is sort of right with my world.

Dark out, as it is still early, too early some would venture, to be awake and compos mentis, but all in all, I’m ok with it… so far. 😊

Went to bed last night with only a smattering of snow on the ground and awoke to three or four inches of the white stuff. Funny. I get paid with the green stuff Sammy, not the white stuff. As a comic in all seriousness. LOL. Sorry. SCTV. Bobby Bittman and Sammy Maudlin. Old TV sketch with Eugene Levy et al.

Anyhow, where was I? Nowhere yet as it happens, as the thought train is still taking on coal and water in the station.

Myriad thoughts ambling around my brain these days. A trip down south on the horizon, some things to accomplish there, and then perhaps, a quiet two weeks where I do nothing but read, bake, and just contemplate 2024 and what it might bring. The first quarter though is already planned, with regards to flights anyhow so no rest for the wicked there.

Will I miss my little flat when I move? Oh yeah, right, sorry, failed to mention that? Or did I? At any rate, yes, the decision to move was had quite suddenly the other day. I say quite suddenly but that really is a misnomer. It wasn’t sudden as it has been percolating for some time, 6 or 7 years at least, LOL. But the hard ok I am moving declaration, at least to the air around me, came only the other day. Where to you ask? Well, therein lies the rub. I am just not sure, only that I am leaving my little flat, in my small but of late burgeoning burg. Leaving my friends? Ok, sorry, who am I kidding? I have no friends. But I will be leaving people that I do know, and like. My grocery across the street, my computer guy, and other small-town amenities that I have come to accept as part of my fabric.

Moving entails finding a new pharmacy, a new doctor, new everything really. At least though, at least I think so at any rate, where I end up, I won’t have to change my internet provider, or a few other things. And, I will have more space to actually cook, and move about without bumping into shit because I have too much stuff and don’t know where to put it because I don’t have the space.

So, I have that going for me.

Funny though, apropos of change, the requests are already starting to come in. Latest from my ex-. Yes, ok, the request was based on a short conversation we had, but still and all it comes fairly early days in the process. And of course, well, this one I will leave until later as it hasn’t played out in full yet. Sorry, but I can’t get into it here and now.

Tell you one thing though, that I will not miss and that is the location of my flat. Right next to the main entrance of my building. And the reason why I am sitting here, so freaking early is that it did snow last night. And of course, the guy, who by the way is a nice guy, was outside my window at just gone 530am shovelling. So, there is that on the I won’t miss this list. A few other things as well, but I think that the I will miss this, at least for a while, list, will be longer. Most definitely the convenience of the things that I have in my orbit. But, depending on where I end up, those things might be close at hand. One never knows, does one.

And, I will have to find a new dentist. That I will miss. I like my dentist, and finding one that is a close, or is as suited to my needs will be a task. Not one that cannot be overcome I am sure, but a task, nonetheless.

My Dad has been gone for 8 days now, well, departed from this earth physically for 8 days. Seems like a million years ago. I miss him, and my mom of course, but my thoughts aren’t overflowing with sadness or even, well, I don’t know what or even. I think, and this is only my brain working now, so don’t take it as gospel, but I think that perhaps seeing as how my lines of communication to him, and really, about him for the most part, over the last number of months, the acceptance that he was no longer an everyday part of my life, was allowed to settle in. Maybe, who knows? These are only my thoughts, and as you know my thoughts aren’t always in line with how things are. Well, ok, I see things a lot more clearly, for the most part, than a great many people, but, well, just but.

Grey day dawning here, and I have a boat load of things to do today. And apropos of my dentist comment, I actually do have an appointment this morning, so there is that.

Laundry, packing, cleaning up, and just general shit to do. I love that phrase. All encompassing really. I have shit to do. Doesn’t delineate anything nor give details, just denotes that you are busy, or have things on the list.

Conundrums abound though, but for the nonce I shall allow the ebb and flow to, well, ebb and flow as it were.

The day beckons, and my shit to do, won’t get done, unless I get up off my ass, and well, do it.

So, I bid you, as always,

Until the next time,

Peace.

failure, and success…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

I read an interview with Kenneth Branagh just now, in the NYT, which you can read here –> Kenneth Branagh Is Finally Processing His Childhood Trauma – The New York Times (nytimes.com)

Interesting to say the least, from an incredibly, in my opinion, gifted actor and director. Many things, lines, sayings, etc… in the interview intrigued me, but this line, from Samuel Beckett, of Waiting for Godot fame, really resonated with me;

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

I find that truly inspiring, to say the very minimum. Oh, dinner jazz on at the moment, in case you were pondering what musical background was appearing on my stage.

At any rate, as I was saying, that line, really grabbed me. Myriad quotes out there in the google-sphere about failure, or losing, or some other way of saying you fucked up, but a couple, along with Becketts are pretty cool.

Jack Canfield said, ‘Everything you want, is on the other side of fear’ and Janet Fitch remarked that ‘The phoenix must burn to emerge.’ Powerful stuff, no?

I have failed. Many times. Too many to count one shouldn’t wonder. But I don’t give up. Yes, we all have on occasion, however, as obstinate that I am, I look for a way through the issue(s) and power forward. The argument might be made though, that unlike Gena Showalter’s take that giving up is the only sure way to fail, my opinion is that, giving up might give rise to a way of success, only in a different manner that one has set out to achieve. Does that make sense? It did in my head. Thoughts and comments are welcome.

Failure can, I agree, build character, however as the infamous Dr. Emilio Lazardo aka Lord John Whorfin spouted.. “History is-a made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.” So you can see, character in some ways isn’t always a visible thing, if you subscribe to the ravings of an alien from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension.

I know of people who are devasted by failure. I used to be, at times, crushed by not being able to do this, or perform that, but, over time, my expectations of both myself and those around me have altered in such a way that I expect people around me to let me down, and to have the utmost faith in my abilities. Wow, was that egotistical and cynical all at the same time, or what??  LOL.

I think that giving up sucks. I hate giving up. There are times though, that pragmatism and sensibility outweighs the personal sense of failing. My opinion only, and you are welcome to agree or call me a dunderhead.

J.M. Barrie says it best, I think ‘We are all failures – at least the best of us are’ True that J.M., true that.

I have, as I am sure you have to, attended or been a part of countless interviews wherein the question is raised ‘what are your greatest strengths’. Really? I never ask that. Ever. Rather I pose this, ‘what is your greatest weakness’. No one, not me anyhow, needs help with my best attributes, but work, and guidance is always welcome on what I am not so good at. Makes more sense that way, doesn’t it? Does to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate failing. Or losing. They suck. More than suck, they really fucking suck. But, with each less than stellar result (read – failure) I build something stronger, perhaps on an altered path, and keep pushing forward as best as I know how. You know? Fall. Get back up. Keep going.

I am sure that I could write a lot more on this, but for now, I will pause, have a glass of Pinot Noir, enjoy the jazz, and leave you alone.

Until you allow me into your space again,

I bid you, as always,

Peace.

i am alone…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

Almost six years ago, no, well, yes, almost 6 years ago, a change happened in my life. I left a country, in a region that was my home for the better part of 20 years and came back to a country that I had eschewed for the same period of time.

When I left, I felt nothing. Literally. I was totally bereft of emotion taxiing down the runway to come back to where I currently reside. The country I mean, not the town.

I did not grieve then, nor have I really grieved since. Yes, I have had moments of sadness and regret, but I truly, with all my heart say to you, I have not fully expunged all of the emotions that I know were buried the moment I got on the plane.

Why you ask? Good question that. In all honesty, I am not sure. Afraid of utter collapse maybe? Terrified that if I start, stopping may be an issue? Perhaps I really just am a cold-hearted son of a bitch and I can’t let myself feel anything resembling weakness.

Whatever the case, I haven’t let go. Oh, I have let go, but I haven’t let go if that makes sense. I am not there anymore, nor will I ever be, so that part of me has let go of that, something which I am sure my ex-wife has not done. However, that is another kettle of pumpkins and I shan’t digress into that mess here and now. Best left for another time.

At any rate, I have let go of the fact that while that region was, by and large quite good for me, not really good to me, but for me, I know that I will never grace its’ shores again. But no, what I haven’t let go of is the perhaps sadness, and the disappointment of having to leave in the first place. I left, yes, and yes, I was both saddened by my departure and disappointed with said event, but those were buried deep within this scarred psyche of mine, perhaps never to see the light of day again.

Am I scarred? I would like to think that I am not. Others would argue that I am a mess of scar tissue, but I would not concur. I would though, agree that yes I have been hurt, and continue to be so, but I think that mentally I am strong enough to slough off those pains and get on with doing what I do. However, I do it.

I have great moments, and some not so great, but on the whole I am pretty ok. What I will say though, and is sort of the idea why I came to this document today in the first place, that I am alone. I have thought about this, at times, in the past, but today, right before I started writing this, I really came to the full realization that I am, indeed, myself alone. And I would hazard a guess, that I will be alone for the rest of my natural existence. But that is ok with me. Well, no, it’s really not, however, there isn’t a lot that I can do about it, so, you see, acceptance is a huge part of this, and now, perhaps, I can find a little more peace than I have had in the past. Be nice wouldn’t it, to have some peace? It has most certainly be a long while since that has been part of my life, so it will be a welcome change, that is for sure.

Took my A/C out yesterday. Of course, today was hot, and so will tomorrow be. Oh well, not a big deal. After all, I did live in the desert you know!

Back to the alone bit. Pretty sure that I am ok with this. Of course, there is a part of me that would love to be in a relationship, I mean, who doesn’t want to be with someone and in love, right? But, my life, my current place on this crazy spinning lump of virus laden dirt, isn’t going to allow for that. Nor, I believe, will it allow for it in the future.

I could become twisted (more some wags might say) and lash out at happy couples, like you see in the movies, or I could become withdrawn (again, or more) and just not deal with anyone at all. Become a recluse, refusing to interact with the outside world. I don’t think either of those courses are for me to be honest, so I think that I will just continue down my path, do what I do, and see where the river takes me.

Now, a great deal of this aloneness that can be attributed to my life, really is self inflicted. I freely admit that, and will not point fingers at anyone in blame. This, for the most part, is my doing. I have always, for the most part anyhow, gone to my own beat, to my detriment at times, which I have remarked on in the past, but, I think, I am doing ok. As ok as you can be, without expecting too much out of it. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, music on the victrola, a decent relationship with my father at long last, and well, I have myself. Seems that I have always had myself, although at times, I tended to ignore that fact.

Yes, I do have some people that perhaps could fill that void, sure, but, at the end of the day, my living quarters, my lack of mobility, and my dearth of excess funds, somewhat precludes me from pursuing any of those options too rigorously.

Cinema Paradiso on right now. The Chris Botti version. I could listen to this guy play all night.

Back to the topic at hand. Yes, there are options, I mean, come on, this is me, right? Always options. But the question is how seriously do I consider them. And the one option, that I know I made a monstrous mistake with, I don’t think could ever be a revisited option again. I am sure that the niggling doubt would be there, you know? And I have way too much respect and admiration for that person to do that to her. I do miss her though. She brought much joy to my life, and clarity, and thought provoking conversations, and I will be forever in her debt.

I am of the mind though, that perhaps why I am so accepting of being alone, and partially withdrawn, is that, of late, I have put myself, my emotions if you will, out there in the open, and have had them taken for granted, along with my generous nature. So call it what you want, but I am tired of that. It is my fault, I will admit, that I let this happen, but I need to walk those instincts back a bit, and I apologise for the buzzwordy term in there. But I do, need to step back from those urges inside of me that push me to open up, and help, and let people lean on me. Especially seeing as how I really have no one, to speak of around me, to lean on when I need a shoulder.

I think that it is because I project this air of self reliance, and strength, that people tend to not believe that I could use an ear now and again. I do, don’t admit it often, but I do. However, me and the four walls, you know? LOL.

At any rate, there you have it folks. My reasons why I cannot, or have not, let myself grieve. Perhaps one day, the flood-gates will open and I will be released. Until then,

Peace.

seeking? looking? not finding, that’s for sure…

/ Bob, Just Bob. / Leave a comment

What are you looking for? What it is that you seek? Do you know? Do you care even? I am sure you do know, and that you do care. As for me, I am not sure of either to be honest. I think I know what I am looking for and realize that I most likely not smart enough to know if I even have found it. Perhaps I have. Maybe I did. Quite possible that this is true, and if indeed it is, be willing to bet that I screwed it up somehow.

As I just wrote to someone, I miss me. And I am sure that one day, hopefully, I will meet myself on this road that I am travelling, going the other way, and we shall make amends, and the sun will shine once again. Perhaps.

I wish that I knew what it was that I seek. I truly do. Make life so much easier, you know? However, life being easy has not been my trademark, so perhaps this is how it is to be, and has always been meant to be.

How is it that you are wired? Can one change ones wiring? Therapy? Does that work? Cannot say unequivocally that I am a proponent of that route. Not sure that a person sitting with a notepad, ostensibly not in judgement, but hey, let’s not kid ourselves, they are judging you, can make you change your way of thinking. Events in your life? Can they do this? Perhaps, and I am sure that people have had seriously life-altering points in their lives, as I am sure that I have had too, but have I changed? In some ways, yes, I really have. I see life through vastly different eyes these days, however, has my core wiring changed? Not sure. Don’t think so. What I do think is that the wiring was always there, already in place, and with time, and growth, and experiences, the circuits just became more solidified and in place. That is my entirely non-expert opinion of course, albeit a fairly accurate one I would hazard a guess.

Would I take back things that I have done? Lord yes. So many people have been hurt, and had their life paths altered because of me. And for the life of me, and on my mother’s eyes, I would take the hurt away if I could. But, I can’t. How can you take back what is already done? All I can do is apologise, make amends the best way I can, and deal, adapt, move on. And pray that in the future, I don’t repeat the past. What else can you do, right?

At any rate, back to the topic at hand. What is it, really, that I am looking for. In short? Someone who loves me for me. All that I entail. And all that I am, and dream about, and want for myself, and my partner. The long version? Well, that is just what I don’t know. Who is she? I alluded to this a few years ago in high level terms, but right now, while those thoughts are still valid, and very much on the table, I think that the person I seek is more than that. And am I seeking a partner really? Is that it? Maybe I am just seeking some sort of inner peace. A peace that I have not had since my time in the Middle East. And that dear reader, is it in a nutshell. While I have gone on record as saying that I don’t really miss that region that much, especially Dubai, I cannot say here and now, that I don’t really miss it. I do. I miss so many things about that part of the world. I grew up there, as I have written previously. My life was enriched by the people I met, the experiences I had, both good, great, bad and horrific. They all are part of me and who I am today. But, I wax maudlin, so let us get back to where we were a few hundred words ago. On the path of the seeker, and endeavouring to figure out what it is just that is being sought.

Anyhow, time for a cuppa, so will sign off for the nonce, and re-visit this mini-opus on the morrow.

Peace.