well, i’m a guy, so thinking isn’t part of our dna, however, i do often wonder if i wasn’t born at the wrong time, or perhaps i’m just really not meant to be part of this era.

i see things differently than others do, or rather, others see things that i don’t? no, that’s not correct, as i do see life with a different set of eyes than those around me.

not sure where this is going to be honest, but i was just reading a bio piece about a NHL goalie, Glenn Hall, who passed away at the age of 94. the sense of this man, arguably famous for many on-ice heroics, but to me, the goalie who was in net when Bobby Orr scored that famous goal to secure the Stanley Cup for the Bruins.

he was humble, with a sense of humour, and from a time when there was decency and honour in the world. not like today where everyone is out for themselves, and wanting others to be the ones to fix things, or pay for things, or make the world better, just so they have a nicer environment to exist in.

would i have been better off to be born 10 or 20 or even 100 years earlier? not sure. i think that even though i ponder life in let’s say, Victorian times, my presence in this world came at the time it was supposed to.

why? not sure. maybe just to be the one who looked out for his elderly and ailing parents when i did, or to be the one to bring two sons (whom i don’t see, and most likely never will again) into the world.

or, well, i just don’t know the or.

to say that i am struggling is a vast understatement, and yet, the consciousness of this struggle, the front and center of it, isn’t there. my brain, for better or worse, is wired in such a way that it deals with what it deals with, and any extraneous influences, like ‘i’m really struggling here’ aren’t part of the program.

yes, i know, i’m odd, and most likely have issues. LOL.

been cold and shitty of late, snow storms, etc… but hey, this is the great white north, so… but, today, while pretty cold out, it’s sunny, which is nice..

struggling of late.. seems to be a recurring theme with me, but it is true. my work life is stagnant, and my personal life, well, let’s just say either the train is still in the station for repairs, or it has left the tracks somewhere and it’s going to take a year to get it cleaned up. you choose.

comes down to this;

in my work life, i am dealing with layers for the most part, and everyone wants to get paid, but no one wants to work. and, everyone it seems wants me to do the work, yet, not get paid… there seems to be a slight disconnect between those two thoughts… LOL

and in my personal life.. well, as always, it comes down to, well, you can’t pay my bills, so i can’t commit to you or us. self valuation taking a hit on that one, to say the least.

Sully Erna – Avalon on now for reference. If you’ve not listened to this, you should. Great album. He of Godsmack lineage.

I think one of the things, that is wrong with me, and yes, there are more than one, trust me on this point, but I think that perhaps I feel too deeply. There are times when I wish my IQ was a few points higher so that my EQ was diminished. Meaning that I could still interact, but the romantic, caring, empathetic sides of me were in smaller percentages. Why?

Well, here’s the thing. I care. Yes, I do. I know, it seems like I don’t at times, but I do, and my memory and my brain and the intricacies of both have been well documented on here, don’t allow for me to bury things easily. No, it’s not that I harbour ill will, or hold grudges, not unless I specifically need to, but to say to someone that you love them, or that you miss them, or what have you, and not get it back. Well, it sucks. And the reason why it’s not coming back is that you, meaning me, can’t take care of them in the lifestyle that they want.

And yes, I am fully aware of the fact that I have been guilty of not returning affectionate phrases or declarations of love/caring in the past, still am to be honest.

But that is neither here nor there. What is here, and what is present in my existence is the simple fact that I am struggling with a side of me that wants a life, a home, and the other side that just wants to say the hell with it, and move on. What to do yanni, what to do?

I know what a therapist would say. At least I think I do. Trouble is the acceptance of that resolution. However, the desire, if you want to phrase it as such, is diminishing with every passing day. I think it is anyhow.

People say that I am interesting. People say a lot of things… LOL
Anyhow, I don’t see it. I just don’t. I see me. As I believe everyone does when they consider themselves unless of course they are ego laden like some people that I could mention. 47 being the chief amongst them.

Anyhow, I really don’t see me as others do. Yes, I know, I joke about how good I look, or what have you, but deep down, I am me. A guy who has lived a life of ups and downs (more than I can count, and been down so long it’s staring to look like up to me), lefts and rights, and more mistakes than I am able to remember. No, sorry, that’s not true. I remember them all. There is no such thing as forgetting. We just layer our memories to make them harder to access. The trouble with me (a long list I assure you) is that I can access them. And if I cannot, my brain finds them anyhow, and brings them up, usually at 3am when I am wide awake.

Looking back on this life, this amazing and really pretty varied life, I wonder at times, if one of the times that I was shot. Yes, shot. Well, I was wearing a vest, so nothing in me, but it still freaking hurt, and trust me it’s not like the movies. You don’t get right back up.

Anyhow, one of the times, I wonder if it shouldn’t have been the end of me. But then, I think of my two sons. No, they aren’t present in my life, but they are in this life, and bringing joy (I hope) to those around them. I think of my parents in the last years of their lives. Would they have been taken care of by my asshole brother and his wife? No. This I can categorically and without fear of being wrong, state that they would not have. Not to the level that I cared for them. Or tried to at any rate.

I have done some good I think. Yes, I have hurt people. This I know and will take that to my grave. But, I have been hurt too. At least I think I have.

Anyhow, music and me today. Tom Waits on the list, which is cool. I am going back to listening to albums again, and not pre-ordained playlists. Need to change the narrative and this is a change, albeit a small one, but hey, each journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Yes, I still love her, but my love is, at least I hope it is, unconditional. Not sure that it can be said of the other party.

Until I see you again, and inflict my brain upon you, I hope that you and yours are all healthy and happy and not in any areas of conflict.

And, as always, I bid you…

Peace.