a week. well, more like a collection of weeks all strung together into one.

as i have mentioned i’m sure, i am back into a world where i didn’t want to be, and where, apparently, nothing has changed. everyone wants others to do things for them for free.

raise me millions please, and oh, can we not pay you? or maybe pay you later?

can you just find millions for these clients of ours please because we can’t… no mention of remuneration at all on that score.

oh can’t you just invest in my company because we really need it.

sounds like all the rest of the list that are constantly asking me for money on most days because they are oh so stressed.

mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

got on the treadmill yesterday, a real one, not the figurative one that people think of, and that, oddly enough, i am on every day and well into the night, but mine, here, in my flat.

didn’t last as long as i wanted on it, but i did get on it, and will do so again today. it was nice to visit an old friend. it’s a relationship that i need to keep intact, you know? for the sake of something or other, but one well worth it.

almost half way through the last month of this rather tumultuous year, and if i was pressed, in polite society to recall the lowest point experienced, i would be at a loss to pinpoint one. it seems to me, sitting here with the wind gusting outside, and my coffee at hand, that the year, apart from a few high spots, was one of constant lows. all melding into each other.

Dante would have a field day with this one, i’m sure.

people have looked to me, one in particular, and to them, it’s been my job to pay for them, give them money because i said i would help. all my fault. forget that others owe me money, but to them, it’s well, make them pay because I NEED MONEY, and YOU have to get it to me.

huh?

the debacle with the folks from the continent will be over this week. a successful conclusion is of course hoped for, but will be it? 50/50. i, and others dearly hope for the positive side of that equation as this has been a nightmare of Hitchcockian proportions, and one that i think could have been avoided, by at least two or three of the affected parties.

anyhow, this mid-week will tell all.

monday will be good i feel. at least in part. i truly want to shed the weight of so many of these ‘give me, give me’ folks and get on with my life.

i sat, the other day, in my usual spot at my desk, and expounding on the above comment about ‘my life’. not sure that i have one. nor, more to the point, am i sure who i am, anymore.

when i started travelling south to help with my parents, and the constant presence of them in my life, i disappeared to some extent and i became just this guy who was doing what he was supposed to do, and doing it without much thought involved.

then came the end, and the bullshit that accompanied siblings and wills.

the reintroduction to the world that i sit and gaze down upon came next, and with that a whirlwind of dinners, and travel and shopping and extraordinary experiences. but the person that i am, that i think i am, was not really anywhere to be seen.

at least, looking back on that time, i don’t think he was there.

and now, where i am, and where i want to go, rattle around my brain, on a daily (and nightly) basis, and i am struggling with endeavouring to find my way back to the wilderness.

why do you still love me. i asked that question.

the answer came quickly and and spoke to how that person perceives me.

i’ve been asked by a company that i am in talks with to be on their board, and possibly enter their C-Suite as well. huh. me? sure? why?

you bring great energy, you are in tune with what the world around you is doing and you can help us achieve our goals.

me?

wow.

i truly wish that i saw that person when i look in the mirror. i just don’t.

i see, in brutal honesty, and old, tired, washed up man, who is struggling to find a way to not disappear in the sea of his existence and finally make his way to the shore and dry land where life, such as he has left, can begin anew.

not sure how much more ‘begin anew’ moments i have left in me, but let’s see.

have to keep moving forward, right? even if those around you, or in this case, me, are keeping you, not going backwards, but static in a sense, with very little progress down the track.

weekends. ugh.

however today i will embrace the day, for as long as i can, and shun the chaos and calamitous goings on in the world, my world at any rate, and step back for a while. perhaps i will read, or just regenerate. not promising anything, but i will try.

so, with that said,

as always, i wish you and yours nothing but happiness for the holidays if you subscribe to them, and hope that no one is in areas of conflict.

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.