getting on to the shank of the evening, a tot of 40 year old Old Sandeman port at hand, in my Tiffany cut glass rocks glass, dishwasher chugging away, and a series on the TV that I have watched 100 times, and my thoughts turn towards the love of my life. the one that i live, every day, in fear of losing.

my life, such as it is, is a struggle these days. people looking to me to save them, to make things better for them in their world, while mine is, perhaps not in full blown inferno, not entirely just a low smoulder either.

i have made myriad mistakes over the last few years, well documented on these pages for sure, and one that i made, was that i let my own sense of invincibility override my at times forgotten common sense.

i am in love. deeply. and i know, without a shred of doubt, that my love, loves me. but, how long can she, or will she, wait for me to turn into Harry Potter again, and make things better for us. Us. Always.

drawn back into a world that i left years and years ago and one that i did not want to be in, and one that i cannot wait until i leave. this time for good.

relying on 3rd parties, yes, i know that song has been sung, but it is true. 3rd parties that aren’t reliable, and block my path to the parties that i need to deal with to ensure that my life, OUR lives, are returned to what they should be. Us. Always.

so many voices. so many pleas for help. so many things on the go, and so, so many ways for things to go left.

i am struggling. there, i said it. every day, is a tug of war between trying to stay beyond positive, and seek out alternative avenues of solutions so that i can finally put certain parts of my life behind me, and get back to being her person. her man. her hunny bunch, and sinking into a spiral that i know will lead to nowhere good.

tomorrow though, is another day, right? how many times have those words been uttered, and how many nights have i sat, alone, with nothing but my thoughts, hoping, praying that tomorrow would turn out to be ‘that’ day, when the lights shine, and i can shout it from the mountain tops that i am back, and look the fuck out.

my past is past. i need to leave it there. i will, no, not true, i cannot forget it. my brain isn’t wired that way, but i can leave it in a spot where i don’t need to deal with it on a daily basis.

she is the love of my life. my future. my always. and i need to get things back to where they were before i fucked up.

i love you. more than you know.

until i am back here again,

as always.

i bid you,

peace.

would have been, well, really it is, the 67th anniversary of the marriage of my parents. so, Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.

i don’t think, other than when i was too little to understand about all of this, i have ever missed wishing them a happy anniversary. even when things were not so great between us, or i was in areas where i wasn’t really able to communicate, did i miss this day, or, really, wishing them a happy birthday.

to digress a little, but in reference to above, i had a birthday recently. 63 years something or other. i did get birthday wishes from some, but one noticeable absence was the birthday wishes from my youngest son. not surprising to be honest, but still in all, it both rankled and hurt somewhat.

i do understand it, in part, his mother is a cunt, and his grandmother the mother of a cunt, however, even, as i mentioned, when things weren’t really that great, beyond shit to be honest, between my folks and i, i never missed an important date. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthdays and Anniversaries. Never. Not in my pretty good memory banks at any rate.

anyhow, today, 67 years ago my parents were wed. my Mom passed away going on 3 years ago (February of next year will be 3) and my Dad passed away in two weeks, two years ago. quite a year that was, with both parents leaving us and joining, as Thomas de Quincey says, the majority.

they were good parents, and i think of them often. their photo’s are resident in my flat, and my mom’s paintings, some of them adorn my walls.

I still talk with my Dad at times, asking for advice or help as the case may be, and i hope that they know that they are both missed. by me anyhow. not sure about my asshole brother.

back now after an extended interlude.

a lot of thought these days. of my life. my faults. my parents. my future.

my future.

how i wish that my parents were still around to actually meet my future. she is, to me, perfect. and by the grace of whatever higher power there is, she is still, my future.

i’d like to think that my parents had something to do with this, so, thank you, Mom and Dad, for allowing this very flawed child of yours, to have one more chance to find the person who brings the ultimate happiness, and peace to my life. just like you had in yours, for over 64 years.

i miss you both. every day, but in some ways, a great many ways, you are still here with me, and my incredible gift of my future.

with my love, to you, and to my future, forever and always,

your son, and your biggest supporter,