sitting at my desk these days, when i am not in meetings, or on calls, or travelling off to somewhere or another, and just quietly ruminating on past events, present conundrums and future plans.

i wonder, during these moments of seemingly brain idleness, if i made a mistake, well, no, i did make mistakes, myriad ones, but the mistake i refer to is reintroducing myself to the ones on the other side of the world (at present).

do i fit into that world? i mean, yes, i do, i know, but largely i know due to my generosity or my largesse, or my ‘oh you saved the day’ habits. those have to, and will stop by the by.

no, but do i really fit in? am i one to be invited out for drinks, or a burger, or a game of pool? i don’t think so. i think it is more, hey, when are we going to that $$$ restaurant again, so you can pay? not in those words, but the sentiment is there.

or it is slightly shaded comments or messages that bemoan the fact that things are tight, or this isn’t being afforded or that isn’t attainable.

even better yet is ‘well i was scrolling through tik tok or insta stupid’ and comments being made, ‘wouldn’t that be nice to have?’

guilty of being too generous at times your honour, and i accept whatever punishment you see fit to mete out in an attempt to provide justice.

no, in these moments of self introspection, and pensive solitude i find myself, not regretting per se the decision, but having some mild misgivings about being in contact with that world on a continuing basis.

sure, i could go back, and just not see anyone, or communicate. been there, done that, too many times to count, but that isn’t fair, really, to the people that i know, and genuinely do like.

however, would they really care? is my absence from their daily or otherwise existence really that crucial that me not being there makes one whit of difference? not sure, but would hazard a guess that the answer would be a resounding NO! LOL

there are those of them that i do want to stay in contact with, and will do so i believe. and please, do not take this reluctance to be integrated into that world again as me saying that those people aren’t lovely, or wonderful, or any other adjective or superlative you can apply. no, they are nice. all of them. i just feel, that for my own sanity, and ongoing forward progress, even at this late stage of my life, i need to not be part of my former, but forge a new path, as i mentioned previously, back to my wilderness.

i miss my father in these times. why, i cannot precisely pinpoint, but i do. well, oddly enough, i miss the father that was present, so to speak, dementia notwithstanding, during the last few years of his life. we had many good conversations. some blow ups, well, more than some, but that i attribute to the aforementioned dementia, but the lucid-ish moments we had, were truly lovely, and will stay with me, until the end of my days.

i mention the missing of him, because i could just sit and talk, or not, and it was simple. it wasn’t overly deep, and yes, it was full of repetition, but i do miss those times.

to be fair, i have had some moments like that with others here, and it would be doing them a disservice to not acknowledge that fact. but the truth remains that there isn’t anyone in my life, at the current time, that fits that description.

is that selfish? probably. but then again, aren’t we all just a wee bit on the selfish side when it comes to our own wants and needs, even though on the face of it, we like to show that we aren’t?

at any rate, i sit and ponder, wonder what might have been, or what i want to have happen, and on i go with my life. whether or not that world is arrogantly said as graced with my presence again, is yet to be seen.

as always, i hope that you and yours are safe from harm, and i pray for anyone out there with family in Iran or the GCC region, including service men and women deployed due to a morons skewed view of the world.

and, as always,

i bid you,

now more than ever,

peace.