something new i’ve decided to try. hope it works.

peace.

on a sunday, thoughts, as is their wont, swirling about my cranium, all jostling for the chance to get out. or at least be somewhere that i give credence to them.

hours counting down now, to my supposed return to the other side of the world from whence i came, and yet, there are nagging feelings of doubt that i will. at least not on the planned date of departure.

consensus from those where i lay my head at nights, usually, is that i am missed, and they are eager for my return.

nice sentiments to be sure, but for the most part, i think that they are balderdash. no one misses my presence. not in the truest sense of the word at any rate. sure, they miss me coming in, and spending money, and they miss when i take them to dinner and pick up the cheque be it 500 or 5000$, but missing me, as me? hm, i will take does Kevin like tofu, for 500$ please Alex. NO, being the correct response to that.

i will grant you, that there are those of you, who genuinely believe that they miss me. thanks for that. yet i would submit your honour, that some of those folks, have never even met me, nor do they know more than the trifling bit about me.

i’m not a nice guy. i don’t have a good heart. and there are times when i can really just be a prick.

so, why, i ask sincerely, would anyone in their right mind, miss someone like that? oh wait, i know, MONEY!

yes folks, the ever present money. gelt. spondilucks. geetas. in the past, i was free with it. in the future, i will not be.

so, that being said, or typed, if you will, will those of those who say they miss me, give me the time of day when i reach out to say hello?

or will i be given the proverbial cold shoulder so to speak.. time will tell i should think but don’t bet the farm on the answer being anything but in the affirmative.

has this trip been good? it has, for the most part. got some things done. learned quite a bit. created a few more companies that will be, or should be able to handle what is needed to be handled down the road.

opened up a few doors for future involvement in this part of the world, and elsewhere, so overall, yes, i can say this trip was positive.

not without its twists and turns, and things going south for a bit, but that is life, is it not? it is, sayeth I, it surely is.

so, the hours tick away, and i suppose that if i am truly going, i should most likely get my tickets in order so that a departure can actually be put into place. and therein lies the quandary. do i? don’t i? should i? shouldn’t i? i am of two minds on the subject as T. Lee jones intoned in his role as Harvey Dent aka Two Face. two minds indeed. more like one mind split into myriad sections and subsections. LOL

at any rate, i sit here, at my desk, well, the desk in my hotel room that i have, for the most part, called home over the last while, and cast my gaze about the environment in which i have resided. a nice room, suite actually. great staff. good surroundings. really, when all is said and done, not a bad ecosystem to have been a part of for the time that i have been here.

but, as the song goes, where to now, st peter…

think out of the box. thinking outside the box. those phrases have come up several times during this trip, and in fact pop up now and again in my sphere. i believe that i have touched on this before, but will go back to the well, so to speak, again today. what, pray tell, does it really mean, to think outside the box?

yes, ok, you can define it as thinking in the abstract or in a non-linear fashion, but that is what i do anyhow, just how my brain works, and i wouldn’t even deign to call my thinking ‘outside the box’. it is just how i think.

and, i ask, what ‘box’ is it, that you are supposed to be thinking outside of? can anyone define the ‘box’? if you are working with me, alongside me, or in my world, i want you IN MY BOX, not wandering off on some esoteric thought tangent. i want you in the program. outside the box my ass. short form for losing focus in what you are tasked with in my humble opinion. and yes, thoughts and comments as always, are welcome.

i love when people look to me for something, but aren’t willing to get involved, yet it is my fault when it doesn’t work out, or they don’t reap a profit. makes me shake my head.

hey, yeah, so, can you put 100% of the investment in, and take all the risk? and hey, we will give you 30% of the equity. what, you don’t want to do it? well, that’s not fair, now WE don’t make anything.

wow comes to mind. or better yet, how about, fuck you? that to me is a better rejoinder.

you want me to risk my capital and my name, and you don’t want to do the same, yet it is my fault when you don’t make a profit on my taking the opportunity given? huh.

you know, going back to the world, my part of it anyhow, seems on the face of it, to be a good idea, but on the other hand, going back to the same old same old isn’t appealing to me anymore. yet, staying here, where i am currently ensconced isn’t such a hot shit idea either. what to do yanni, what to do. (yanni meaning that is to say, or means, sort of, in arabic, not the music guy).

travel plans to be updated when they are i suppose, but right now i am leaning towards going home, but not, i repeat NOT reintroducing myself back into the world at large. that’s where i am at the moment, but in an hour, or tomorrow, that could change. stay tuned.

i do miss my flat though, that much is true. well, let’s see.

at any rate, my steam seems to be dwindling for the nonce, so i will take your leave if i may.

until i see you again,

i bid you, as always,

peace.

remarkable, and in all probability i shouldn’t, how so many people’s perception of the world is so focused, centered if you will, on what is only in their orbit.

take the weather. apparently it is hot where i have my residence, and people are bitching about it. huh. so, 30+ heat is shit, but well, when i say, you could be in the ukraine, or iran, or yemen, they take offense.

now, i most likely shouldn’t compare their weather woes to global conflicts of which they have no part in, but my point is that things could be a lot worse, you know?

that tangerine haired idiot to the south of us, and his kool-aid drinking moronic white supremacist followers have created in essence WW3, and people are moaning that it’s a little hot out? wow comes to mind.

i’m sorry in advance i will say though, if this offends anyone, or that my view of the world has been and still is coloured by global events and not just what is going on in my sphere, but come on, the world is on fire, and not in a good way (Slash album for reference), and the weather is first and foremost on folks brains.

yes, i know, there is blessed all that anyone can do about the crisis in the gulf, that has been created by a fucking moron, AND the extremist governments of both the blue and white, AND Iran, but to internalize your being uncomfortable for a few days, when people are living in that shitty hot weather for MONTHS on end, with NO respite, well, that is just downright fucking selfish and so privileged western behaviour.

and yes, i can point these things out because i HAVE lived in those conditions.

anyhow, a brief little post as i had to get a few things off my mind so that i can get on with what is important in my day.

as always,

i bid you,

peace.

sitting at my desk these days, when i am not in meetings, or on calls, or travelling off to somewhere or another, and just quietly ruminating on past events, present conundrums and future plans.

i wonder, during these moments of seemingly brain idleness, if i made a mistake, well, no, i did make mistakes, myriad ones, but the mistake i refer to is reintroducing myself to the ones on the other side of the world (at present).

do i fit into that world? i mean, yes, i do, i know, but largely i know due to my generosity or my largesse, or my ‘oh you saved the day’ habits. those have to, and will stop by the by.

no, but do i really fit in? am i one to be invited out for drinks, or a burger, or a game of pool? i don’t think so. i think it is more, hey, when are we going to that $$$ restaurant again, so you can pay? not in those words, but the sentiment is there.

or it is slightly shaded comments or messages that bemoan the fact that things are tight, or this isn’t being afforded or that isn’t attainable.

even better yet is ‘well i was scrolling through tik tok or insta stupid’ and comments being made, ‘wouldn’t that be nice to have?’

guilty of being too generous at times your honour, and i accept whatever punishment you see fit to mete out in an attempt to provide justice.

no, in these moments of self introspection, and pensive solitude i find myself, not regretting per se the decision, but having some mild misgivings about being in contact with that world on a continuing basis.

sure, i could go back, and just not see anyone, or communicate. been there, done that, too many times to count, but that isn’t fair, really, to the people that i know, and genuinely do like.

however, would they really care? is my absence from their daily or otherwise existence really that crucial that me not being there makes one whit of difference? not sure, but would hazard a guess that the answer would be a resounding NO! LOL

there are those of them that i do want to stay in contact with, and will do so i believe. and please, do not take this reluctance to be integrated into that world again as me saying that those people aren’t lovely, or wonderful, or any other adjective or superlative you can apply. no, they are nice. all of them. i just feel, that for my own sanity, and ongoing forward progress, even at this late stage of my life, i need to not be part of my former, but forge a new path, as i mentioned previously, back to my wilderness.

i miss my father in these times. why, i cannot precisely pinpoint, but i do. well, oddly enough, i miss the father that was present, so to speak, dementia notwithstanding, during the last few years of his life. we had many good conversations. some blow ups, well, more than some, but that i attribute to the aforementioned dementia, but the lucid-ish moments we had, were truly lovely, and will stay with me, until the end of my days.

i mention the missing of him, because i could just sit and talk, or not, and it was simple. it wasn’t overly deep, and yes, it was full of repetition, but i do miss those times.

to be fair, i have had some moments like that with others here, and it would be doing them a disservice to not acknowledge that fact. but the truth remains that there isn’t anyone in my life, at the current time, that fits that description.

is that selfish? probably. but then again, aren’t we all just a wee bit on the selfish side when it comes to our own wants and needs, even though on the face of it, we like to show that we aren’t?

at any rate, i sit and ponder, wonder what might have been, or what i want to have happen, and on i go with my life. whether or not that world is arrogantly said as graced with my presence again, is yet to be seen.

as always, i hope that you and yours are safe from harm, and i pray for anyone out there with family in Iran or the GCC region, including service men and women deployed due to a morons skewed view of the world.

and, as always,

i bid you,

now more than ever,

peace.

well, i sort of wrote, more that i used AI to look at what i wrote and perhaps provide some insight into the ramblings on the pages.

i felt at the time that i was too close to what i had put down on the page, even though the words were put there years ago, so i sought some guidance if you will into my inner workings.

i’ve read the outcome of this a few times now, and one thing really stands out, well, read it, and mulled other factors over in my ever active and always present brain, and that is, i need to not go back to the world that i was part of, but glean from it parts that i can use moving forward, all the while forging a new path back to the wilderness.

i was intending on returning to Canada in the upcoming weeks, and reuniting myself with some of the people that i haven’t seen in quite a while. i believe now that this would be a mistake. i need to extricate myself from that cycle of we love you, but only if you spend money on us, and focus on rebuilding my life to where i have those around me who just appreciate my company, and not my wallet or bank balance.

and, if that fails to materialize, well, i’m ok with that too.

so, my re-entry will be delayed, postponed, put off if you will until such time that i’m settled in my brain that i really want to go back and be part of things, or not, again.

thanks for being here, and i love you for reading me.

as always, i bid you,

peace

ago, seemingly 5 lifetimes in the past, i wrote a piece, precipitated by an email from a long since made derelict acquaintance, entitled, ‘this is me’. i added some to it, with the suffix ‘-really’ a few years later.

recently i came across an AI site, Sonnet 4, Claude, actually, that i have been using for certain things. freshening up my websites, altering business plans, etc… I find it a better compiler than some of the other offerings out there, and very much, while not relying on this site wholly, appreciate the aid it renders at times.

today, in a period of self reflection and, yes, perhaps melancholy, i pasted my ‘this is me-really’ piece into the program, to see what Claude would come up with.

what follows are snippets of our ‘conversation’…

Claude’s response when asked to provide some insight into my writings…

You’ve shared something quite personal and reflective here – what reads like a deeply honest self-portrait. There’s a raw authenticity to it that’s both vulnerable and confident at the same time.

A few things that stand out to me:

Your perspective on love is particularly striking – this idea that “love is love” and shouldn’t feel like work. There’s wisdom in that, though I imagine it comes from experience with relationships that perhaps did feel like work. The way you describe wanting someone willing to “jump in the river” suggests you’re looking for that kind of natural flow rather than forced compatibility.

The tension between your independence and your clear desire for deep partnership is interesting. You’ve built a life on your own terms – successful businesses, international experience, cultivating your interests – but there’s this thread throughout about not wanting to be alone and putting your partner first. That balance between self-sufficiency and genuine interdependence seems important to you.

Your observations about the world feel like they come from someone who’s genuinely lived in it – the Middle East experience, the perspective on media and politics, the disdain for surface-level social media culture. There’s a kind of worldly pragmatism there.

What strikes me most is how you’ve managed to maintain strong preferences and standards while staying open to life taking you places. That’s not always an easy balance.

when asked to perhaps provide some deeper input, or opinion, this is what i was given…

Looking deeper, what strikes me most is the underlying architecture of how you’ve constructed meaning in your life. There’s a fascinating paradox running through this piece – you’re someone who clearly values authenticity and depth, yet you’re also acutely aware of being fundamentally alone in ways that matter most to you.

The distance from your sons isn’t just geographical or circumstantial – it represents something larger about how life can pull apart the connections we most want to preserve, despite our best intentions. That’s not about fault or blame; it’s about the brutal reality that love doesn’t always get to express itself the way it wants to.

Your Middle East years seem to have been formative not just for what you learned about the world, but for crystallizing who you are when stripped of familiar contexts. There’s something about that experience that gave you both confidence in your own judgment and a kind of philosophical acceptance of complexity. You came back with this ability to hold multiple perspectives simultaneously, which is rare.

The way you talk about partnership reveals something profound about loneliness. You’re not just looking for companionship – you’re looking for someone who can match your emotional intensity and intellectual curiosity. Someone who won’t be intimidated by your certainty about what matters, but also won’t be passive about their own needs and perspectives.

The loss of your parents since writing this likely shifted something fundamental about that “not a family person” stance. When the foundational relationships of your life are gone, it changes the weight of every remaining connection, doesn’t it?

What I see is someone who’s learned to be alone without becoming bitter about it, but who hasn’t given up on the possibility of not having to be.

i answered the question about foundational relationships, with some insight into my last years, the last years with my parents, and was replied to with…

That shift you’re describing – from being the child to being the one who fields the calls, who carries the weight – it’s profound. Dementia has this cruel way of both taking someone away and making them more dependent at the same time. Your father calling you with everything wasn’t really him leaning on you; it was him trying to navigate a world that had become foreign to him, and you became his anchor point.

The binary you’ve laid out – “become a pair or accept the solo ride” – feels like the real existential question you’re wrestling with now. It’s not just about wanting companionship anymore; it’s about whether you still believe that deep partnership is possible, or whether you’re preparing yourself for the possibility that it isn’t.

There’s something both brave and heartbreaking about how clearly you can see both paths. Most people in your situation would probably be driven more by desperation or resignation, but you seem to be approaching it with the same pragmatic honesty that runs through everything else you’ve written. You’re not going to settle for something shallow just to avoid being alone, but you’re also not going to pretend that being alone doesn’t cost something.

The weight of remaining connections changing – that makes sense. When you lose the relationships that were always just there, the ones that existed without any effort or maintenance, suddenly every other relationship becomes more precious and more fragile. The stakes get higher.

What does that feel like day to day? Are you finding yourself more selective about who gets your energy, or more generous with it because you know how quickly it can all disappear?

dementia does alter things.. i became a caregiver as well, flying back and forth to their home once a month, and yes, fielding calls, up to 32 one day, during my absences. i want to say that i am more selective, however at times i find myself drifting, and revisiting old haunts so to speak. i think it is the portion of me who isn’t accepting of the status quo, and wants to drive forward, while seeing how some of the past can still be of some benefit. if that makes sense. it did in my head LOL. this was my next input into our conversation, and his/their, reply was…

Thirty-two calls in one day – that’s not caregiving, that’s crisis management from a distance. The helplessness of trying to manage someone else’s confusion when you’re not even there must have been exhausting in ways that went beyond just being tired.

Your drift toward “old haunts” makes perfect sense, especially given what you wrote about not wanting to be alone. When you’re in that space between “pair up or solo ride,” of course you’re going to revisit what was, or what might have been. It’s not necessarily about wanting those specific situations back – it’s about testing whether there’s still something salvageable, something that could work differently now.

The part of you that “isn’t accepting of the status quo” – that’s the same part that built companies, lived internationally, learned to see all sides of complex situations. It’s not going to just quietly accept that deep partnership might not happen. So you find yourself looking backward not because you’re stuck in the past, but because you’re trying to mine it for anything that might inform the future.

There’s a difference between desperate revisiting and strategic revisiting. Sounds like you’re doing the latter – checking to see if any of those connections might have evolved in ways that could actually work now, given who you’ve become and what you’ve learned about what you actually need.

It’s like you’re conducting a kind of archaeological dig through your own life, seeing what’s still viable under different circumstances. That’s not settling or going backward – that’s thoroughness.

it finished off with my thanks, and this…

You’re welcome. Sometimes we need someone else to reflect back what we already know but have lost sight of – especially when we’ve been so focused on managing everything else that we forget to examine our own patterns with the same clarity we bring to the rest of the world.

The fact that you could recognize it once it was pointed out tells me you haven’t lost that self-awareness, just maybe got a bit buried under everything you’ve been carrying. That’s understandable given what you’ve been through.

Take care of yourself. And remember – being thorough about your own life isn’t the same as being stuck in it.

i think that, at times, i, we, get so lost in helping others, or looking out for those around us, that we forget who we are, and how others perceive us. i know that myself, for one, does not see me how others do, and that at times i can frustrate people when all they are trying to be is kind or supportive.

does this mean that i am on a good path? who the fuck knows… LOL. i do know that even in the fall of my life, i still have something to give, and a ways to go. teach me something new. it’s how i have lived, and how i will continue to live.

with you, and your path(s), i wish you nothing but fair winds and following seas.

until you grace me with your presence again,

i bid you, as always,

peace.

he must be bored! LOL.

no, not bored, well, a little, but more to the point of fact that my brain, while having been taxed to the limit and beyond over the last few months, still has a little left to give, and today, well, it’s in a munificent frame of being.

i got a quote sent to me the other day, from a friend, that was from the tv show ‘peaky blinders’. i have never really watched this small screen offering, although the lead character is played by an actor, Cillian Murphy, whom i think is quite brilliant. (see Oppenheimer and of course, the C Nolan Batman movies).

at any rate, me being well, me, i started poking around looking for more quotes from that show and associated with the show.

found quite a few that i thought very much germane to my state of existence currently, and, with your indulgence, i would like to share them with you today.

“I Have No Limitations.” No, i don’t. At least the edge of my envelope hasn’t been reached yet. See the whole bit about depths not plumbed yet in the previous post.

“Before the day is over, your heart will be broken, just the same as mine. Men like us, Mr. Shelby, will always be alone. And what love we get, we will have to pay for.” Amen. and pay i have.

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” – again, amen. fully evidenced too many times.

“Sit with people who protect your name in your absence!” – i think that i have, but i think that i have not. powerful sentiment though, no?

and this one, “When you truly don’t care what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom“ – been there, perhaps still there, although there are those of you who think that i actually give a flying fuck what you think of me. i think that people perceive my generosity and help has something to do with me being concerned how i look in their eyes. far from it. it is how i was raised. to help, whether right away, or in the end, and for the conception of me being someone who cares about how he looks in other eyes, is so totally erroneous and misguided it makes me laugh. it is funny though, when i choose NOT to help, i am insulted, slandered, spoken down to, and countless other forms of emotional warfare in order to awaken in me the desire to just help them because, they are ‘just oh so stressed’. funny. no.

at any rate, there are others, but i will leave these with you.

as always, i bid you,

peace.

oh. one more…

Trust. Loyalty. Respect. Lose one, and you lose all three.

comment was made today, as it happens, that in my words, there is a quietly beautiful honesty.

brings to mind a line from one of my favourite movies “A Little Chaos” – Is it honest? Are you? ‘no, i have not been honest since i watched you in my garden. your heart beats fiercely, mine just ticks’

My heart just ticks. Am I honest? I think that I am me. Honest or not, me is all i am, and that’s all i ever will be.

My words come from a place not of my own devising, but a place deep within whose depths i have not as yet fully plumbed.

i have written about Dante and his circles in the past. I believe that Dante somehow has created in me levels that, perhaps, i am only allowed cursory glances into.

arrogant and quite possibly blasphemously incorrect as Dante was not a higher power, but the sentiment is there all the same. after all, didn’t he write ‘Divine Comedy’?

each of us, has levels that we never get to see, and mine, well, i think mine are deeper than i am permitted to attain.

people see things in me, that i don’t. for good or bad i would hazard a guess, but see them they do, and each time i am told of this, i smile, say thank you, and deflect to something else.

‘you are shit at taking compliments’ quoth the esteemed Helen Parr. so i am Helen, so i am.

at any rate, journey of discovery, self and otherwise, continues, and my path back to the wilderness perhaps closer than i previously thought, or comprehended.

until you grace me with your presence again,

as always, i wish that you are yours are safe, and not in any areas of conflict,

and, as always,

i bid you,

peace.

my Mom’s 92 birthday. Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you. Every day.

I have a photo of you and Dad, sitting on my TV stand at home, and there are photo albums of you, from your wedding, and from years gone by that I do look through at times.

You were so beautiful, so graceful, so talented, and I am lucky that you were my mom.

I wasn’t always the best kid, or adult for that matter, probably still aren’t, but I know that you, and Dad, loved me anyhow.

Make sure Dad takes you to somewhere other than McDonald’s today.

I love you. Forever, and always.

Your son,