where i am. a thunderstorm is raging, yet somehow my world, that has been turbulent of late, is drifting towards being more at peace. don’t ask me how i know, just how my brain is working of late.

in the past, and i am positive that i have written about this before, music has been my saving grace. whether it was just picking up my guitar, sitting at whatever keyboard, if any, and playing whatever came out of my fingers, or just putting on an artist that had created sounds that meant to me more than i was consciously able to recognize, but music, on more than one occasion, has saved me.

and saved me again this day.

as alluded to in past posts, myriad mistakes were committed by yours truly in the last how many ever years, and digging out from under them is happening, but going slowly. and yet, today, whilst listening to Melissa, who has saved me in the past, i realized that nothing is so insurmountable as to be impossible. am i struggling? yes, in a word, i am.

struggling with at times crushing self-doubt, being, as someone said to me once, too nice, and a plethora of other maladies that i am sure a therapist would have a field day with. a costly one, but a field day nonetheless.

i am overweight. my fitness isn’t what it should be. and my brain, while still a great tool, has lost some of its’ vigor for the task of keeping this ship afloat.

so, i turned yet again, to a gift, given to me by both powers that be, and my parents, and found solace therein.

some would say that i am a good person, and this has been documented on here in the past i know. i have my moments i’m sure, but deep down inside of me, i know that i am not how others may perceive me. i really am not.

this past weekend, i, yet again, walked away from my world. one that i sort of liked to be honest, but one that would have been the end of me had i stayed as one of its’ inhabitants. this i know for certain, make no mistake.

there are those of you who may mourn my loss, while others may lash out with criticism and insults, and there are others who may just brush it off as the behaviour of someone who just isn’t all there. on that i would tend to agree with you at times. sometimes, i really do feel that my persona is somewhat eccentric and not quite balanced.

but, i am taking steps to rectify this world, and my place in it. i’ve lost 5 or so pounds in the last week. not a lot i grant you, but it is a start. as previously mentioned, i’ve cut myself off from the, how i saw it, harmful world, with an eye towards one day being able to reintegrate myself in it, without the outcome of losing myself at the same time. that, though, dependent on whether that world accepts me back. i know part of it will, but not sure that part is what i want anymore.

music though, thank you, has saved me yet again, and i am so very grateful for the innate passion that was given to me, and the outward ability that my parents endeavoured to foster in me at a young age. thank you again Mom and Dad, from the bottom of my scarred heart. i cannot thank you enough.

at any rate, i will finish up my glass of red, turn off the lights, and listen to the sounds of nature as i, hopefully, fall into a dreamless, and less fractured than normal, sleep.

i hope you and yours are all well, and not in any areas of conflict,

and as always,

i bid you,

peace.