i want to wish my father a happy birthday. he would have been 90 years old today. Happy Birthday Dad, i hope that you have found peace wherever you are. i miss you, and i love you. always.

i made a decision yesterday, but in all honesty it was one that was coming for quite some time now, and one that was borne out of a need to save myself from myself.

i put into play something that will result, has started to result, in my isolation from those around me. i wish that i did not have to do this, but truth be told, i am not strong enough to alter the path that i was on, one that i had hoped would lead me back to the wilderness, so i cut myself off, for the most part, from those that count me as a friend, a loved one, or just someone that they like.

am i right in choosing to take these measures? as the wags like to say, only time will tell. however, you need to stand by your decisions, be they right or erroneous, so i stand by mine.

will there be those of you that are hurt? yes. that i can say unequivocally, there will be. am i happy with that outcome? no, again, unequivocally stated. do i wish that i could have done this without hurting those of you who matter to me? yes, i do.

i have hurt a great many people in my 62 plus years on this earth, and while i could say that since i’ve hurt so many, what’s a few more, it isn’t within me to be so cavalier about that sentiment. i truly wish that i could have done this without causing any more pain, however, what i have done is what i needed to do, for the sake of my own wellbeing, so do it i must, and i did.

i will state this for the record; i am not, in my own eyes, a good man. lousy husband. even lousier father. and probably an even lousier than lousy lover. but, we are all something better than we are in our own eyes, are we not? not so i, sayeth the author of this tome. not so i.

i know what i am. at least i think i did, or want to be. my life is a facade and it’s exhaustive quoth M. Mathers in walk on water. amen Em, amen.

will i return? to where those of you who think they like me or know me, or some such other perception of the person they laughed with, shopped with, had dinner and such with? i hope so. better, and more capable of putting aside those demons of self-doubt and building on what i know to be true. there is, inside me, inside all of us really, a good person, who knows how to get along in life, to be sociable and companionable, and based on that faith, and yes, i do have some level of faith folks, i believe in my heart of damaged hearts, that one day, i will come back.

until i see you again, and you grace me with your presence,

i bid you, as always,

peace.