sure what it is, but for some reason, my brain has been dredging up, no, not dredging, but creating the oddest of imagery and dreams of late.

perhaps it is the melatonin that i was recently cleared to take, or they are from past live(s) that i am most certain to have lived.

nonetheless my sleeping hours, and i use the word sleeping very loosely, have been filled with people and places and sounds and sights that i am sure never have been part of this somewhat odd existence to date.

huh.

there was a time, when my youngest sons’ mother and i were not on speaking terms. and then there was a time when we were. that in essence ended last summer when i had the audacity and temerity to push back on her about something to do with my private life.

and now, you know, i find, that like Bogart when speaking to Peter Lorre in Casablanca when posed with the question…’you despise me don’t you?’ with the response ‘if i gave you any thought i probably would.’

no, i don’t despise her. not in me to do so. not sure that i despise anyone really. well, no, that’s not entirely true. borderline despise my brother, and if i gave his wife, and my oldest sons’ mother, any thought, i would lean towards despising them too.

at any rate, i don’t despise her. she is the mother, and a good one i believe, to our son. not without her faults and shortsightedness, but a good mother on the face of it. but, i don’t really like her that much, and as for love, or any residual semblance of love that was there, no, that has long since eroded and been washed away with the tide.

am i in love now? well, what really, is love? some would say love is what remains when the lust is gone. but, was there lust? or just unbridled hormones at work. don’t know.

which brings me back to my sleep or lack thereof. great quote about not sleeping from, funny enough, a movie called ‘the big sleep’. “…and my sleep is so near waking that it’s hardly worth the name. I seem to exist largely on heat, like a newborn spider.” sums it up quite tidily, no?

Thomas de Quincey said that there is no such thing as forgetting. Freud wrote about dreams and their meanings. Jung the same. I wonder what they would postulate about the dreams that i am having and what their analyses would be. Probably commit me to Bedlam would be an option.

you would think, that after a lifetime, well, not a full lifetime as i am still on the right side of the grass, but after the period of time that i have been on this rapidly descending into madness lump of dirt, that i would have at least partially been able to figure out my brain. no, not so. it remains, as i think that it will remain until the end of my days, an enigma, a mystery, and something that i am probably best just to leave to its’ own devices. for the most part anyhow.

not sure what prompted this post today, other than a few messages from my ex- and my ambivalence towards them, and her. she is ugarte (lorre) and i am rick (bogart). huh.

in october of 1962, a few things happened. i was born for one, but other than that earth-shattering event that was a portent of things to come, and not all good, the USA was entering into a crisis that, if not solved, would have changed this world forever, and in ways that 9/11, Columbine, and others could not have. the cuban missile crisis is what i allude to.

in the movie, ‘thirteen days’, which was about this particular moment in time, president kennedy says that just for a second he wished that someone else was president. i’m sure that i have written about this before, but i will reiterate, sometimes, just for a second, i wish that i wasn’t me. i wish that i wasn’t the one that people constantly look to, to solve their problems, or fund their lives. i wish that i was so plain, that i disappeared into the woodwork. just for a second.

where to now St Peter, show me, which road i’m on.

until i see you again,

as always, i bid you,

peace.