to me, to you.

Keep Me in Your Heart

Song by Warren Zevon

Shadows are fallin’ and I’m runnin’ out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while

When you get up in the mornin’ and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There’s a train leavin’ nightly called “When All is Said and Done”
Keep me in your heart for a while

Keep me in your heart for a while

Keep me in your heart for a while

Sometimes when you’re doin’ simple things around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile
You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while

Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes
Keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver’s headed north up to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turnin’ but they’re runnin’ out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while

Keep me in your heart for a while

Keep me in your heart for a while

Keep me in your heart for a while

I hope you and yours have had a wonderful Easter, if you subscribe to that holiday, and that you and they are not in any areas of conflict,

And, as always,

I bid you,

peace.

i fell the other day. walking from a street onto a sidewalk, i stepped awkwardly and my right ankle twisted and i landed on my back. huh. from someone who has had incredible balance his whole life, this, while only one event (although another stumble happened a year ago, another story) and a small one at that, it rankled, and mildly concerned me. again, huh.

a lot is going on in my life, things that i cannot control, some that i can, and others that i should in all probability just leave the fuck alone. knowing me though, and the proclivities of my brain, i won’t, however that is another kettle of popcorn altogether.

i started re-watching the Newsroom. great series, created by Aaron Sorkin he of West Wing and other cinematic endeavours, fame. at any rate, so much, all of this series strikes a cord with me, but one really pointed part of it, really speaks to what is going on in the world, read, those morons to the south of me, today.

Read this speech. really fucking READ it. and try and get what it says ingrained into you. apply it to your country. i know that i have tried to make parts of it fit the country that i currently call my permanent (for now) residence.

we really aren’t doing that well folks. as a species. we basically suck. Covid and the recent events in the US have spoken to that in resounding volumes.

and no, this isn’t me being political. this is me, attempting to be a human. something that i, in the past, and really even today, fail miserably at.

for your reading pleasure, i leave the speech.

and as always, in addition to wishing you and yours a very Happy Easter, if that is something you celebrate,

i bid you,

peace,

Jennifer Johnson: Can you say why America is the greatest country in the world?

Sharon: Diversity and opportunity.

Moderator: Lewis?

Lewis: Freedom and freedom… so let’s keep it that way.

Moderator: Will?

Will McAvoy: The New York Jets.

Moderator: No, I’m going to hold you to an answer on that. What makes America the greatest country in the world?

Will McAvoy: Well, Lewis and Sharon said it. Diversity and opportunity and freedom and freedom.

Moderator: I’m not letting you go back to the airport without answering the question.

Will McAvoy: Well, our Constitution is a masterpiece. James Madison was a genius. The Declaration of Independence is, for me, the single greatest piece of American writing…

[Professor keeps staring]

Will McAvoy: You don’t look satisfied.

Moderator: One’s a set of laws and the other’s a declaration of war. I want a human moment from you… what about the people? Why is America…

Will McAvoy: It’s not the greatest country in the world, professor. That’s my answer.

Moderator: You’re saying…

Will McAvoy: Yes.

Moderator: Let’s talk about…

Will McAvoy: Fine.

[Turns to Sharon]

Will McAvoy: Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he

[gestures to Lewis]

Will McAvoy: gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn’t cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don’t like liberals? Cause they lose. If liberals are so fucking smart, how come they lose so god damn always?

Sharon: Hey!

Will McAvoy: [Turns to Lewis] And with a straight face, you’re gonna tell students that America is so star-spangled awesome that we’re the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK. France. Italy. Germany. Spain. Australia… Belgium! has freedom… 207 sovereign states in the world, like 180 of ’em have freedom.

Moderator: Alright…

Will McAvoy: [Looks at Jenny] And, yeah, you… sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know. One of them is: There is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest country in the world. We’re 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending – where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst period generation period ever period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don’t know what the FUCK you’re talking about!… Yosemite?

[Stunned silence; Jenny looks deeply humiliated]

Will McAvoy: … It sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws – for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not on poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were and we never beat our chest. We built great, big things, made ungodly technological advanced, explored the universe, cured diseases and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists AND the world’s greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn’t belittle it. It didn’t make us feel inferior. We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election and we didn’t scare so easy. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed… by great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

[looks back at the professor]

Will McAvoy: Enough?

a long time coming.

To Whom It May Concern,

Let me be clear: it is not my responsibility to pay everyone’s bills. I am not the bank, I am not a safety net, and I’m not here to rescue people every time they fall short — especially when it’s become a pattern.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and financially. I’ve stretched myself thin trying to help others, often at the expense of my own needs. And instead of appreciation, what I feel is taken for granted — like my support is expected, not valued.

It hurts to feel used. To be called on only when there’s a crisis, and forgotten when things are fine. That’s not a healthy relationship, and I won’t continue to enable it.

I have my own life, my own struggles, and my own responsibilities. From here on out, I’m choosing to protect my peace, my time, and my finances. If that sounds harsh, it’s only because I’ve been too soft for too long.

respectfully yours,

and bidding you, as always,

peace,

Bob

where i am. a thunderstorm is raging, yet somehow my world, that has been turbulent of late, is drifting towards being more at peace. don’t ask me how i know, just how my brain is working of late.

in the past, and i am positive that i have written about this before, music has been my saving grace. whether it was just picking up my guitar, sitting at whatever keyboard, if any, and playing whatever came out of my fingers, or just putting on an artist that had created sounds that meant to me more than i was consciously able to recognize, but music, on more than one occasion, has saved me.

and saved me again this day.

as alluded to in past posts, myriad mistakes were committed by yours truly in the last how many ever years, and digging out from under them is happening, but going slowly. and yet, today, whilst listening to Melissa, who has saved me in the past, i realized that nothing is so insurmountable as to be impossible. am i struggling? yes, in a word, i am.

struggling with at times crushing self-doubt, being, as someone said to me once, too nice, and a plethora of other maladies that i am sure a therapist would have a field day with. a costly one, but a field day nonetheless.

i am overweight. my fitness isn’t what it should be. and my brain, while still a great tool, has lost some of its’ vigor for the task of keeping this ship afloat.

so, i turned yet again, to a gift, given to me by both powers that be, and my parents, and found solace therein.

some would say that i am a good person, and this has been documented on here in the past i know. i have my moments i’m sure, but deep down inside of me, i know that i am not how others may perceive me. i really am not.

this past weekend, i, yet again, walked away from my world. one that i sort of liked to be honest, but one that would have been the end of me had i stayed as one of its’ inhabitants. this i know for certain, make no mistake.

there are those of you who may mourn my loss, while others may lash out with criticism and insults, and there are others who may just brush it off as the behaviour of someone who just isn’t all there. on that i would tend to agree with you at times. sometimes, i really do feel that my persona is somewhat eccentric and not quite balanced.

but, i am taking steps to rectify this world, and my place in it. i’ve lost 5 or so pounds in the last week. not a lot i grant you, but it is a start. as previously mentioned, i’ve cut myself off from the, how i saw it, harmful world, with an eye towards one day being able to reintegrate myself in it, without the outcome of losing myself at the same time. that, though, dependent on whether that world accepts me back. i know part of it will, but not sure that part is what i want anymore.

music though, thank you, has saved me yet again, and i am so very grateful for the innate passion that was given to me, and the outward ability that my parents endeavoured to foster in me at a young age. thank you again Mom and Dad, from the bottom of my scarred heart. i cannot thank you enough.

at any rate, i will finish up my glass of red, turn off the lights, and listen to the sounds of nature as i, hopefully, fall into a dreamless, and less fractured than normal, sleep.

i hope you and yours are all well, and not in any areas of conflict,

and as always,

i bid you,

peace.

i want to wish my father a happy birthday. he would have been 90 years old today. Happy Birthday Dad, i hope that you have found peace wherever you are. i miss you, and i love you. always.

i made a decision yesterday, but in all honesty it was one that was coming for quite some time now, and one that was borne out of a need to save myself from myself.

i put into play something that will result, has started to result, in my isolation from those around me. i wish that i did not have to do this, but truth be told, i am not strong enough to alter the path that i was on, one that i had hoped would lead me back to the wilderness, so i cut myself off, for the most part, from those that count me as a friend, a loved one, or just someone that they like.

am i right in choosing to take these measures? as the wags like to say, only time will tell. however, you need to stand by your decisions, be they right or erroneous, so i stand by mine.

will there be those of you that are hurt? yes. that i can say unequivocally, there will be. am i happy with that outcome? no, again, unequivocally stated. do i wish that i could have done this without hurting those of you who matter to me? yes, i do.

i have hurt a great many people in my 62 plus years on this earth, and while i could say that since i’ve hurt so many, what’s a few more, it isn’t within me to be so cavalier about that sentiment. i truly wish that i could have done this without causing any more pain, however, what i have done is what i needed to do, for the sake of my own wellbeing, so do it i must, and i did.

i will state this for the record; i am not, in my own eyes, a good man. lousy husband. even lousier father. and probably an even lousier than lousy lover. but, we are all something better than we are in our own eyes, are we not? not so i, sayeth the author of this tome. not so i.

i know what i am. at least i think i did, or want to be. my life is a facade and it’s exhaustive quoth M. Mathers in walk on water. amen Em, amen.

will i return? to where those of you who think they like me or know me, or some such other perception of the person they laughed with, shopped with, had dinner and such with? i hope so. better, and more capable of putting aside those demons of self-doubt and building on what i know to be true. there is, inside me, inside all of us really, a good person, who knows how to get along in life, to be sociable and companionable, and based on that faith, and yes, i do have some level of faith folks, i believe in my heart of damaged hearts, that one day, i will come back.

until i see you again, and you grace me with your presence,

i bid you, as always,

peace.

sure what it is, but for some reason, my brain has been dredging up, no, not dredging, but creating the oddest of imagery and dreams of late.

perhaps it is the melatonin that i was recently cleared to take, or they are from past live(s) that i am most certain to have lived.

nonetheless my sleeping hours, and i use the word sleeping very loosely, have been filled with people and places and sounds and sights that i am sure never have been part of this somewhat odd existence to date.

huh.

there was a time, when my youngest sons’ mother and i were not on speaking terms. and then there was a time when we were. that in essence ended last summer when i had the audacity and temerity to push back on her about something to do with my private life.

and now, you know, i find, that like Bogart when speaking to Peter Lorre in Casablanca when posed with the question…’you despise me don’t you?’ with the response ‘if i gave you any thought i probably would.’

no, i don’t despise her. not in me to do so. not sure that i despise anyone really. well, no, that’s not entirely true. borderline despise my brother, and if i gave his wife, and my oldest sons’ mother, any thought, i would lean towards despising them too.

at any rate, i don’t despise her. she is the mother, and a good one i believe, to our son. not without her faults and shortsightedness, but a good mother on the face of it. but, i don’t really like her that much, and as for love, or any residual semblance of love that was there, no, that has long since eroded and been washed away with the tide.

am i in love now? well, what really, is love? some would say love is what remains when the lust is gone. but, was there lust? or just unbridled hormones at work. don’t know.

which brings me back to my sleep or lack thereof. great quote about not sleeping from, funny enough, a movie called ‘the big sleep’. “…and my sleep is so near waking that it’s hardly worth the name. I seem to exist largely on heat, like a newborn spider.” sums it up quite tidily, no?

Thomas de Quincey said that there is no such thing as forgetting. Freud wrote about dreams and their meanings. Jung the same. I wonder what they would postulate about the dreams that i am having and what their analyses would be. Probably commit me to Bedlam would be an option.

you would think, that after a lifetime, well, not a full lifetime as i am still on the right side of the grass, but after the period of time that i have been on this rapidly descending into madness lump of dirt, that i would have at least partially been able to figure out my brain. no, not so. it remains, as i think that it will remain until the end of my days, an enigma, a mystery, and something that i am probably best just to leave to its’ own devices. for the most part anyhow.

not sure what prompted this post today, other than a few messages from my ex- and my ambivalence towards them, and her. she is ugarte (lorre) and i am rick (bogart). huh.

in october of 1962, a few things happened. i was born for one, but other than that earth-shattering event that was a portent of things to come, and not all good, the USA was entering into a crisis that, if not solved, would have changed this world forever, and in ways that 9/11, Columbine, and others could not have. the cuban missile crisis is what i allude to.

in the movie, ‘thirteen days’, which was about this particular moment in time, president kennedy says that just for a second he wished that someone else was president. i’m sure that i have written about this before, but i will reiterate, sometimes, just for a second, i wish that i wasn’t me. i wish that i wasn’t the one that people constantly look to, to solve their problems, or fund their lives. i wish that i was so plain, that i disappeared into the woodwork. just for a second.

where to now St Peter, show me, which road i’m on.

until i see you again,

as always, i bid you,

peace.