Sleeping that well of late. Waking up with my heart racing, weird, incredibly convoluted dreams, and just basic slumber time pandemonium.
And to be honest, I’ve been feeling quite used up, and, truth be told, used.
Most of the latter I am sure could be directed at me as my own fault and doing, but some of it, and the former as well, just a general sense of me only being here to pay, or to give, or to whatever else it is that I am supposed to do.
Ennio Morricone ‘The Mission’ on now, for reference, and music that suits where my general mindset is residing at the current moment.
A beautiful evening here though, after a day of incredible snow yesterday. Flew in late, got stuck on the tarmac, couldn’t get off the plane due to someone not being able to affix the jetway to the plane, and then over an hour to get home through snow laden roads and general chaos. 2AM is not a time when I go to bed any longer, but it is a time when I am usually awake some nights. LOL.
At any rate, a long day yesterday and a day of general quietude around the old homestead.
But back to the feelings I have. Just a sense of not being me any longer. Of being emptied of what little soul I have left, and any shred of my being that was, at one time me. Not that I was any great shakes, I must tell you, mostly an asshole for most of my life I think, and some exes would hasten to agree to, but I am losing me. Or I’ve lost me and just am too stupid to know it. Either way, I am disappearing into the ether of just being a shell.
And I really am at a loss as how to reverse this process without hurting others along the way. Some would say that I should just do what I need to do to preserve what is left of me, whoever that me is, while others would implore me to be kind and to consider their feelings. I don’t know, I just don’t know.
What I do know is this; I am fading away. And that troubles me. At least I think it does.
Stay tuned, as this part of my journey could get messy but make for interesting and insightful reading.
Until I see you again,
As always, I bid you,
Peace.
... 