Sleeping that well of late. Waking up with my heart racing, weird, incredibly convoluted dreams, and just basic slumber time pandemonium.

And to be honest, I’ve been feeling quite used up, and, truth be told, used.

Most of the latter I am sure could be directed at me as my own fault and doing, but some of it, and the former as well, just a general sense of me only being here to pay, or to give, or to whatever else it is that I am supposed to do.

Ennio Morricone ‘The Mission’ on now, for reference, and music that suits where my general mindset is residing at the current moment.

A beautiful evening here though, after a day of incredible snow yesterday. Flew in late, got stuck on the tarmac, couldn’t get off the plane due to someone not being able to affix the jetway to the plane, and then over an hour to get home through snow laden roads and general chaos. 2AM is not a time when I go to bed any longer, but it is a time when I am usually awake some nights. LOL.

At any rate, a long day yesterday and a day of general quietude around the old homestead.

But back to the feelings I have. Just a sense of not being me any longer. Of being emptied of what little soul I have left, and any shred of my being that was, at one time me. Not that I was any great shakes, I must tell you, mostly an asshole for most of my life I think, and some exes would hasten to agree to, but I am losing me. Or I’ve lost me and just am too stupid to know it. Either way, I am disappearing into the ether of just being a shell.

And I really am at a loss as how to reverse this process without hurting others along the way. Some would say that I should just do what I need to do to preserve what is left of me, whoever that me is, while others would implore me to be kind and to consider their feelings. I don’t know, I just don’t know.

What I do know is this; I am fading away. And that troubles me. At least I think it does.

Stay tuned, as this part of my journey could get messy but make for interesting and insightful reading.

Until I see you again,

As always, I bid you,

Peace.

passed away in 2023 and my Dad just over a year ago. written about a few times on these pages i know, and thank you for reading them and being here.

at any rate, their picture, of them both, in their 80’s actually, is sitting on my piano, just off to the right as i look at the keyboard. so every time i sit and play, which isn’t every day, but it isn’t infrequent though, i see them looking at me.

tonight though, sitting and playing a mish mash of notes, most of them just flowing from my fingers, but some a song called Angel from Montgomery, and Walk on Water, it being a song by Eminem.

my parents, weren’t by birth my parents, but they were the only ones i knew, so, i consider myself theirs fully, if that makes sense. anyhow, they weren’t genetically linked to me, and they didn’t give me any inherent skills or talents, those, i assume came from a higher power, but, i will say this, i thank them, every. single. time. i play. be it the piano or the guitar and while the strings aren’t my forte, i can still make music, you know?

anyhow, i do thank them, for what they gave me, even though, like the song goes, i didn’t really ever live up to their expectations. perhaps in the later years, when i was going to Florida to take care of them, but for so many years, i just wasn’t good enough, you know?

do i feel that way now? i do, at times. that i am just not good enough. fatal flaw? perhaps. insecurity? maybe, although i don’t think so.

more so i would attribute it to the fact that when i was younger i truly was just never good enough. product of my environment, right? call someone stupid long enough and they believe it.

i am complicated i guess, but only to those who see me as something that i am not. i’m not Superman. I’m not Tony Stark, well, ok, I am, but that’s another story…LOL

at any rate, my parents gave me what they believed they wanted for me, whether or not i was willing to accept it or not, and trust me, i was neither willing, nor accepting. 🙂

but, now, i give joy to others, maybe, through my abilities and my talents, such as they are.

thank you Mom and Dad, for everything.

i miss you.

with love, always,

your son,

Peace.