post ages ago, and kept it private, for myriad reasons, but laying in bed last night, my brain mulling over events of the day, and coughing up a storm, the thoughts, some of them at any rate, made known their presence, and this morning, whilst poking around my files, i came across this one. not sure why i’m posting it, as truly i say to you, i am beyond happy at this present moment in time, but, perhaps, some deep seated sense of something or other is prompting me to do so.

so, without further ado, i leave you with…

I have started…

And abandoned several posts lately, great thoughts at the beginning, and then the steam left me, or the day happened. Whatever the case, they are still sitting there, but today, well, this one will be finished because I think it will be short.

Lying in bed last night, I was going over, again, the reasons behind my seemingly abrupt departure, and concluded that we all want something in life, right?

Well, it occurred to me that what I thought I wanted, isn’t really what I needed, or need, or will require in the future.

So, what is it that I want? No really, can someone enlighten me? Because right now, I haven’t the first foggiest idea of what it is. And this comes from a person who is usually pretty good at being able to negotiate the highways and byways of life. Mostly at any rate.

What I thought I wanted turned out to be not what was needed, and what I thought I needed, turned out to be not what I wanted.

Confusion in my world reigns supreme.

I got an email today from someone that I left behind. Of all the people that I did do this injustice to, she is one of two that I most sincerely, and will forever regret. Life isn’t fair, and at times it downright sucks.

Do I though, have regrets over my leaving my life behind? Yeah, I do. Happy? I admit that I have regrets.

Some regrets you cannot avoid have happen to you, but this one, this was self manufactured, and like when I first walked into the airport when leaving for Bahrain; if I had looked back, I wouldn’t have gone.

I, in my own weird and let’s face it, fucked up brain and damaged psyche, had to do this. The final solution will never be on the table because in my opinion, it is the grossest act of selfishness that can be perpetrated.

However, a solution had to be found, and this one was the best that I could come up with.

Yes, some of you, all of you? Who knows. Got hurt. Or did you? I don’t know. But I will again apologize for it and mean it with all of my heart.

Whither thou goest, oh man of many faults? What road will you travel on, on your quest to find that which you have no idea what you are seeking.

Not sure Bob, really not sure. Sometimes though, as Mick J croons, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. Amen Mick my son, Amen.

Peace.

mentioned that i truly do, dislike this time of year. myriad reasons as to why, not the least of which is the utter and so blatantly obvious commercialism and false niceness.

but, and there is always a but, perhaps a deeper reason as to my intense, public, discomfort with this time of year.

written about on these pages in the past, as you know, or don’t know, depending on when you were introduced to the ramblings of my at times quite non-linear brain, that i really haven’t been a good guy. not a good father, not a good husband/partner, and most certainly not a good son. yeah, ok, i made up for it a little, mark that, LITTLE, way over the past few years, but i have to tell you folks, no, i wasn’t a good son.

to my credit, no matter where i was in the world, i didn’t miss a birthday, or anniversary, Mother’s Day or Father’s day, and i always strived to give something, flowers, a card, a gift, what have you. if you wanted to delve deeper into that, and i am, i feel that somewhere in the depths of my, i would say, scarred psyche, those gestures were more to assuage my overriding sense that i truly wasn’t the son that my parents hoped for when they adopted me at exactly 6 months old.

yes, i am adopted. that to me is neither here nor there as my parents, the ones that i lost recently as you know, were my ONLY parents, so in a sense, they were my real parents. do i know my birth parents? no, i do not. i do know of them, however that knowledge only came to me in the last few years, and they were already not of this earth.

at any rate, back to the whole i don’t like Christmas motif.

i missed Christmas’s. a lot of them. some of them, i was alone, while my partner left to be with their families in another country/city, whatever. some, i just wasn’t on this side of the world. and by this side i mean the side that just elected that fucking moron down south of us.

i wasn’t around. just not geographically, but not around in the sense that i didn’t feel part of things, of family. on the surface i could attribute that to the overtly ‘we are the best’ attitude of dumb and dumber, but deeper down i think it was that i wanted to be left alone. got my wish on that one. LOL.

missing the celebrations of this time of year became habit for me, and my dislike grew with each passing year. i worked on the 25th, more times than i didn’t. and even this year, i will be alone. yeah, ok, my former neighbour, whom i do like, has invited me to be with his family on the day. 1 1/2 drive up north through shitty traffic and weather, so, might take a pass on that. will i? no, most likely not, as my inner ‘you should be nicer you shit’ self will dictate that i get in the truck and make the trek north to the land of my former residence.

i wasn’t a good son. when i landed in Florida in 2022, and walked through my parents door, that was the first time in 14 years. and prior to that i think it was 7 or 8 years of a gap between visits.

not a good son. i wasn’t present. just like, i’m not a good father. yeah, ok, i pay the bills, or some of them, but that doesn’t make you a good parent.

this time of year, while important to so many of you, just isn’t to me, and that is on me. and my own sense of failing my family (no, not my asshole brother, seriously?) but my parents.

i do hope though, that you and yours have a safe and joyous holiday season, and that, again, you are safe, and healthy, and not in any areas of conflict.

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.

admonished of late, and well, in the past as well, for using ‘just a guy’ as a descriptor for how i see myself.

also, full disclosure; i wrote this for the most part, yesterday while face down on a massage table for 90 minutes. just wanted you to know, if you hadn’t sussed it out already, just how my brain tends to work when left its’ own devices. 🙂

at any rate, being admonished. huh. well, you see, it’s like this (favourite saying of my son’s) i truly don’t see myself as anything other than that.

i wrote recently about being mostly invisible. i stand by that premise with caveats.

and, i am, just a guy. i haven’t done anything. oh sure, i have been nice to some, and helped a few more, but truly i say to you, i haven’t really done, anything of note to warrant me thinking that i am more than what i am.

it was said of me, to me, about me, something, a long time ago, that i had no ego. well, ID, EGO, SUPEREGO as dear ole Siggy F once postulated. I think that we all have them, just that perhaps, and i’m not in ole Sigmunds league mind you, but perhaps we lose or bury one or more of those and get on with using only what remains.

For me, i think, it is the superego. Yeah, not overly grandiose thinking on my part, so don’t think that I am George Reeves come back to life. (he was superman for the record) I just feel that given how i am, and what i do, this is the most apt way of describing me to others. Just a guy.

I have met many a personage in my lifetime, more than some, not as much as some others. But in my travels, whilst seeing some of the more shitty sides of humanity, I have come across those of you that truly are exceptional, and are more deserving of accolades and plaudits than yours truly.

However, I shall endeavour to indulge those of you who seem to feel that i am more than ‘just a guy’ and refrain from describing myself thus.

I do what i do. That cannot be helped. And i was raised to be humble. Hasn’t always been the case i will admit, as there was a time when most likely i was perceived to be an arrogant asshole. Time though, softens and weathers out the rough edges, like a stone in a rushing river.

Thank you, for being here, and as always, i hope that you and yours are safe and not in any areas of conflict,

And, as always, I bid you,

Peace.