write about myriad subjects today. several posts have been careening about my somewhat lucid at times grey matter, but this morning, as i sit here, the only sound being the keys as i type, and the hum of the fridge, my brain is, uncharacteristically devoid of thought.

would that i could, i would time travel myself back to, oh, let’s say, when i was 26 or 7. no drunken binge for 3 years. no marriages. no kid who, well, that’s another story. no sojourn to the middle east. no other kid either. and myriad other things that i won’t delve into now.

where would i be i wonder.

most assuredly i would not be here, sitting alone at my desk, writing to an unseen or even unknown audience. huh.

i love it when people say ‘we will talk soon’. bullshit. talk? you mean type into some 6″ screen words that are ofttimes misconstrued and taken out of context.

we, as a society. don’t talk. and the ones that do talk, are often such fucking racist and hate filled assholes that they shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

phones. the bane of our existence i say. would that i could, i would ban them. no seriously. how many times have people almost walked into you on the street because they were looking at some feed on insta-stupid, or crock of shit tok or some such nonsense.

backpacks too. outlawed.

gorgeous sunny day here, but there is one gray/black cloud hanging low ala the Addams Family. waiting for the lightening bolts to start flying.

Christmas is upon you. not me because of previous posts about my feelings towards this season. Christ mas. What does Christ have to do with this season? NOTHING! He was most likely born in June or July. He certainly wasn’t blond and blue eyes, and oh yeah, HE WAS A JEW!!!

there is a line in the movie Thirteen Days, and i do believe that i have used it on here before, but i will reiterate it given the sense of self that i have these days… “and I just wished for a second that somebody else was president.” Just for a second I wish that i wasn’t me. That i wasn’t who i am, and i could just not be anyone other than a non-descript wallflower who people walk by without so much as a glance.

Just for a second.

To not be me.

Me and Amos. It’s hard to not think things. As Thomas de Q says, ‘there is no such thing as forgetting’. true that Thomas, true bloody that.

Yes, i know what you are thinking. This guy is fucked up. LOL. Probably. But, i do what i do, and i go through life knowing that what is to be, will be (que Sera anyone?) and my time here should have most assuredly ended 30 years ago, so…

The new year approaches, and with it comes people making this claim, or that prognostication. Me? Well, two things, maybe three. Two of them i can do, the third, well, that will take some doing. Will i though? Ah you see? That’s the beauty of it all. People take these ‘resolutions’ that they make every year, and start, then stop, and then recycle them the next New Years eve as they are drinking shitty champagne and trying to get into the pants of their partner. This is why i eschew such events. New Years Eve? why. i’m usually in bed before 1030 and the next day, is, well, another day.

A lot of folks that i know bitch and complain about our government here in the great white north. Usually about the leader of our happy little misfits. They look to me for input on said subject. Sorry kiddies. I don’t read the news anymore since that fucking asshole got elected down south, and i most certainly even if i did read the news, do not follow the political goings on up here. Why? We aren’t quite as bad as those racist fuckers to the south, but we aren’t the best either. So, i politely decline to enter the fray, take a sip of my wine, smile, and stay quiet.

You know, when it came to pass that my phone wasn’t required as such to be a source of contact between my father and i, or the lawyers, or accountants, hindsight being 20/20, i really should have just shut it off and gone away. I did try in part to do that, but stupid me, i returned to the fold of civilization and allowed the insanity to grab hold of me again.

Could I do it now? Not sure. Would be nice to be sure. I just don’t think that i am cut out to be me anymore. Just for a second.

I am though, at times, as was told to me the other day, my own worst enemy. True. I am. Would that i could, i would call up C Nolan and see if he couldn’t devise a way from one of his movies to re-wire me into, well, not me. Interesting thought.

People see me as something that I don’t see. Yeah, ok, i joke at times about how good i am, but that belies how i really feel. I just do what i do. That’s all. And, again, i, at times, really wish that i couldn’t ‘do what i do’. It’s annoying and it gives people unfair at times, expectations of what i am capable of.

My own worst enemy. Yep. That I am.

And yet, and yet.

Tired of being used. Tired of being expected to (fill in whatever you want here) Just fucking tired of being seen as something that i am truly not.

Would that i could, and in all honesty i probably can, I would walk away from it all and just go live in a little village somewhere. No expectations. No being seen as ‘that guy’. Just a nobody. From nowhere.

But, I am a product of all that i have seen, everyone that i have met, both good and bad, and of course of the environment that my parents created, so walking away from it all, perhaps, would do all of the above a disservice. Perhaps. And therein lies the rub as Willy S intoned in Hamlet.

My own worst enemy.

I do need to shave, that’s for sure. Getting quite raggedy around the edges. Funny. There was a time, when bereft of mirrors, facial grooming was not on top of my list, only the quest for pot noodles and decent coffee. How times have changed.

Anyhow, life goes on, with or without my approval, so on i must go with it, in whatever capacity has been deemed to be my lot.

Warmest wishes to you and yours for the remainder of this holiday season, and into the new year.

As always, I bid you,

Peace.