mentioned that i truly do, dislike this time of year. myriad reasons as to why, not the least of which is the utter and so blatantly obvious commercialism and false niceness.

but, and there is always a but, perhaps a deeper reason as to my intense, public, discomfort with this time of year.

written about on these pages in the past, as you know, or don’t know, depending on when you were introduced to the ramblings of my at times quite non-linear brain, that i really haven’t been a good guy. not a good father, not a good husband/partner, and most certainly not a good son. yeah, ok, i made up for it a little, mark that, LITTLE, way over the past few years, but i have to tell you folks, no, i wasn’t a good son.

to my credit, no matter where i was in the world, i didn’t miss a birthday, or anniversary, Mother’s Day or Father’s day, and i always strived to give something, flowers, a card, a gift, what have you. if you wanted to delve deeper into that, and i am, i feel that somewhere in the depths of my, i would say, scarred psyche, those gestures were more to assuage my overriding sense that i truly wasn’t the son that my parents hoped for when they adopted me at exactly 6 months old.

yes, i am adopted. that to me is neither here nor there as my parents, the ones that i lost recently as you know, were my ONLY parents, so in a sense, they were my real parents. do i know my birth parents? no, i do not. i do know of them, however that knowledge only came to me in the last few years, and they were already not of this earth.

at any rate, back to the whole i don’t like Christmas motif.

i missed Christmas’s. a lot of them. some of them, i was alone, while my partner left to be with their families in another country/city, whatever. some, i just wasn’t on this side of the world. and by this side i mean the side that just elected that fucking moron down south of us.

i wasn’t around. just not geographically, but not around in the sense that i didn’t feel part of things, of family. on the surface i could attribute that to the overtly ‘we are the best’ attitude of dumb and dumber, but deeper down i think it was that i wanted to be left alone. got my wish on that one. LOL.

missing the celebrations of this time of year became habit for me, and my dislike grew with each passing year. i worked on the 25th, more times than i didn’t. and even this year, i will be alone. yeah, ok, my former neighbour, whom i do like, has invited me to be with his family on the day. 1 1/2 drive up north through shitty traffic and weather, so, might take a pass on that. will i? no, most likely not, as my inner ‘you should be nicer you shit’ self will dictate that i get in the truck and make the trek north to the land of my former residence.

i wasn’t a good son. when i landed in Florida in 2022, and walked through my parents door, that was the first time in 14 years. and prior to that i think it was 7 or 8 years of a gap between visits.

not a good son. i wasn’t present. just like, i’m not a good father. yeah, ok, i pay the bills, or some of them, but that doesn’t make you a good parent.

this time of year, while important to so many of you, just isn’t to me, and that is on me. and my own sense of failing my family (no, not my asshole brother, seriously?) but my parents.

i do hope though, that you and yours have a safe and joyous holiday season, and that, again, you are safe, and healthy, and not in any areas of conflict.

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.