written much of late, and not, to be honest, from the lack of material that is careening about my, at times, coherent and others scattered, brain matter.

as mentioned to a friend the other day i have quite a few documents started, but ‘squirrel’ and the train goes off the track.

sitting here, alone as it happens, in the city that was once home to my family, parents not me, and listening to Miles, i find myself seeking some introspection into my life to date. old files, pictures and of course the ubiquitous me and Amos memory facility.

people, some, a few, maybe more than that, and including my father, may he rest in peace and not be pissing my mother off too much, say that i have lived an interesting life. huh. maybe. not so sure about that.

written on these pages before to be sure, that my life just has been. and, in a post around a month ago, i remarked that the conclusion is that i really am not anything, in the grand scheme of things. Claude Rains as the Invisible Man was invoked at the time.

but, and there is always a ‘but’, i revise that to be not nothing, but more of an atm to many, and once my largesse has subsided, i am relegated to the dustbin of the time, to be forgotten until the next time money or help or well, money, is required to make someone’s life ‘less stressful’. right.

and yes, i know, this sounds bitter, and hey, you aren’t far from wrong on that score, however to be honest, (funny comment about that, remind me) by and large it is my fault. perhaps an inner fault that i need to be seen as someone who helps just to boost my inner sense of something or other, or that i gain some sort of favour in whomever i am helping eyes. not sure where that came from, that feeling of insecurity but i think it is there. not sure though. therapist here i come! LOL.

and about the ‘to be honest’ thing. i love when people, especially sales associates, say ‘can i be honest with you?’… no, i want you to lie to me. WTF? LOL.

ages ago, a lifetime, no, two lifetimes ago, i wrote this little piece about me and who i thought i was, or am, or some such descriptor. recently i sent it to a new friend, and a friend that i truly believe came into my life, while not physically as of yet, but digitally and vocally, at the right time. quite enjoy her company, so to speak, and hope that it continues.

at any rate, she remarked to me, via a voice note that she found it amazing? interesting? something, that i wrote it so quickly. i guess thinks i. it is like this piece today. i’ve been at this for 15 minutes so far, ish, and here i am, and well, not sure where it’s going to end.

this AI thing interests me. to change the subject at 50K feet. chatgpt, which i will admit, i’ve used, and on here as well. they have an AI Assistant which analyses your post prior to publishing it. i get a kick out of using it at times, because sometimes it comes up with nothing, which i find odd, to the occasions when it comments that i should be more coherent, or make it more subjective, or some such machine way of thinking.

like a machine is going to know how my brain works. i’m sure it thinks it knows HOW my brain should work, however, have to tell you though, i can smell the circuits singeing right now… LOL

silly season is upon us. fuck. cannot tell you how much i loathe this time of year. ok, well, sure, i have in the past, but i will reiterate it for the newbies among you. I. HATE. CHRISTMAS. there, how’s that? fucking hate it. time of year that is filled with commercialism, false niceness, and plain old bullshit.

and sue me if you don’t like my views. i really don’t give a toss. the only good thing to come out of this time of year, is my son’s birthday, and the song A Long December by the Counting Crows.

we go on and on about ‘helping’ those in need at this time of year, but what about the other 11 months? how about that? and people posting on Insta-stupid, or TikCrock or some such social media bullshit, about their wishes, or gets, or what have you, makes me sick.

/end rant

and on to other things. or not. huh.

i need a break. got it into my head that i need to go away somewhere. warm. however, the whole inherent dislike of resorts precludes me going to any of those destinations. what to do yanni, what to do.

life is though, life is.

and until i invade these pages again, i hope that you and yours are all ok, and not in any areas of conflict…

and, as always, i bid you,

peace.