before i go.

wish you all the best, every last one of you.

i am officially done. there will be no more.

given all that i can, and can no more give.

My most profuse apologies to my homeland and loved ones.
John Balook is dead. He fell on his head. But perhaps John
Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.

peace.

And abandoned several posts lately, great thoughts at the beginning, and then the steam left me, or the day happened. Whatever the case, they are still sitting there, but today, well, this one will be finished because I think it will be short.

Lying in bed last night, I was going over, again, the reasons behind my seemingly abrupt departure, and concluded that we all want something in life, right?

Well, it occurred to me that what I thought I wanted, isn’t really what I needed, or need, or will require in the future.

So, what is it that I want? No really, can someone enlighten me? Because right now, I haven’t the first foggiest idea of what it is. And this comes from a person who is usually pretty good at being able to negotiate the highways and byways of life. Mostly at any rate.

What I thought I wanted turned out to be not what was needed, and what I thought I needed, turned out to be not what I wanted.

Confusion in my world reigns supreme.

I got an email today from someone that I left behind. Of all the people that I did do this injustice to, she is one of two that I most sincerely, and will forever regret. Life isn’t fair, and at times it downright sucks.

Do I though, have regrets over my leaving my life behind? Yeah, I do. Happy? I admit that I have regrets.

Some regrets you cannot avoid have happen to you, but this one, this was self manufactured, and like when I first walked into the airport when leaving for Bahrain; if I had looked back, I wouldn’t have gone.

I, in my own weird and let’s face it, fucked up brain and damaged psyche, had to do this. The final solution will never be on the table because in my opinion, it is the grossest act of selfishness that can be perpetrated.

However, a solution had to be found, and this one was the best that I could come up with.

Yes, some of you, all of you? Who knows. Got hurt. Or did you? I don’t know. But I will again apologize for it and mean it with all of my heart.

Whither thou goest, oh man of many faults? What road will you travel on, on your quest to find that which you have no idea what you are seeking.

Not sure Bob, really not sure. Sometimes though, as Mick J croons, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. Amen Mick my son, Amen.

Peace.

All of you.

Please.

The rumours of my demise are greatly exaggerated. I’m not dead. Really? I’m sure that there is a list of those folks that would wish that, and it has been tried before, but no, still on the right side of the grass. For what that’s worth at any rate.

Do you really want to know why I left? Besides the glaringly obvious I mean? I left not because I am running away from things, although some of you are sure to assume that. And I am not running towards something that I don’t know what it is. Again, assumptions I’m sure abound.

I left because I am sick and tired of being me. And I am thoroughly disgusted by my brother and his wife who I am sure will have a special place in hell assigned to them when once that happens.

That’s why I left. I no longer want to be associated, in contact, or any other way connected with someone who bears MY family name, and I had it first you fucker. ME! 😊

And really? You thought I was dead? Yeah, ok. If that happened, I would probably end up at a card table selling tickets to the Preacher’s Wife (old Whitney movie) or tourist guides to the Dante exhibition. So no, not dead.

Am I where you think I am? No, most likely not. I’m where I think I need to be, but not completely where I should be. If that makes sense, then someone explain it to me please.

There are those of you who, perhaps rightly so, think I ghosted you. For that, I sincerely and from the bottom of my size 10’s, apologise.

Some of you are collateral damage, lost to the vagaries of my ever-complicated brain. Again, for that, I sincerely, and without any reservations, beg your forgiveness.

Not sure that any of you will understand why I did this, save for perhaps one of you. That one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and whom I will dearly miss for the rest of my days.

They say, I know, the ubiquitous ‘they’ that, well, they say a lot of things. But the one thing that they say is that time heals all wounds. Personally, I think that is bullshit, but hey, what do I know? I just walked away from my life, so who am I to question ‘they’.

I wonder what AI will think of this one. LOL. Do you think that a machine will ever come up with, wow, are you ever fucked up. 😊 If so, well, I’m at the head of the line.

I’ve heard it bandied about the water cooler that I live in the past. Maybe. Force of habit I suppose after a great deal of my life spent being hammered by it. Hoping for tomorrow too. Yeah, no. Tomorrow never comes.

I do what I do folks, and I did what I did. Do I question you and what you are doing? No. I have no right to that. So? And ergo, shouldn’t the same be afforded me? Why are people questioning this? Or are they? Who knows? I most certainly don’t.

At the end of the day, and the end of my day comes earlier than yours, I left because I wanted to sever myself off from things, and people that were in my mind, detrimental to me and my journey. I cut off the head of the snake I hope. Just so happens that some of the other creatures in the forest were affected too. It wasn’t my intention to do so, just happened that way. Had to do it fully, that was the only way.

So, on I go with the way back to the wilderness. What I will find there remains a mystery to me, I just know that I won’t be getting requests for money anymore, or whatever.

I also know that I can be who I choose to be, and Bob looks good right now.

Be at peace everyone. Be good to yourselves and be good to those around you.

I am not important enough to be sad over. Trust me on this one. I am not.

And for those of you who think that I spend too much time in the past. 1919. Read it.

I leave you all to your days/evenings/nights.

The journey awaits.

Pax.