What are you looking for? What it is that you seek? Do you know? Do you care even? I am sure you do know, and that you do care. As for me, I am not sure of either to be honest. I think I know what I am looking for and realize that I most likely not smart enough to know if I even have found it. Perhaps I have. Maybe I did. Quite possible that this is true, and if indeed it is, be willing to bet that I screwed it up somehow.

As I just wrote to someone, I miss me. And I am sure that one day, hopefully, I will meet myself on this road that I am travelling, going the other way, and we shall make amends, and the sun will shine once again. Perhaps.

I wish that I knew what it was that I seek. I truly do. Make life so much easier, you know? However, life being easy has not been my trademark, so perhaps this is how it is to be, and has always been meant to be.

How is it that you are wired? Can one change ones wiring? Therapy? Does that work? Cannot say unequivocally that I am a proponent of that route. Not sure that a person sitting with a notepad, ostensibly not in judgement, but hey, let’s not kid ourselves, they are judging you, can make you change your way of thinking. Events in your life? Can they do this? Perhaps, and I am sure that people have had seriously life-altering points in their lives, as I am sure that I have had too, but have I changed? In some ways, yes, I really have. I see life through vastly different eyes these days, however, has my core wiring changed? Not sure. Don’t think so. What I do think is that the wiring was always there, already in place, and with time, and growth, and experiences, the circuits just became more solidified and in place. That is my entirely non-expert opinion of course, albeit a fairly accurate one I would hazard a guess.

Would I take back things that I have done? Lord yes. So many people have been hurt, and had their life paths altered because of me. And for the life of me, and on my mother’s eyes, I would take the hurt away if I could. But, I can’t. How can you take back what is already done? All I can do is apologise, make amends the best way I can, and deal, adapt, move on. And pray that in the future, I don’t repeat the past. What else can you do, right?

At any rate, back to the topic at hand. What is it, really, that I am looking for. In short? Someone who loves me for me. All that I entail. And all that I am, and dream about, and want for myself, and my partner. The long version? Well, that is just what I don’t know. Who is she? I alluded to this a few years ago in high level terms, but right now, while those thoughts are still valid, and very much on the table, I think that the person I seek is more than that. And am I seeking a partner really? Is that it? Maybe I am just seeking some sort of inner peace. A peace that I have not had since my time in the Middle East. And that dear reader, is it in a nutshell. While I have gone on record as saying that I don’t really miss that region that much, especially Dubai, I cannot say here and now, that I don’t really miss it. I do. I miss so many things about that part of the world. I grew up there, as I have written previously. My life was enriched by the people I met, the experiences I had, both good, great, bad and horrific. They all are part of me and who I am today. But, I wax maudlin, so let us get back to where we were a few hundred words ago. On the path of the seeker, and endeavouring to figure out what it is just that is being sought.

Anyhow, time for a cuppa, so will sign off for the nonce, and re-visit this mini-opus on the morrow.

Peace.